First-time grandma, desperate to see granddaughter:'(

My son and his partner 'did' the NCT thing but events panned out that they needed me both times and this certainly didn't prevent any bonding going on. Families are should be inclusive.

I do so agree regarding the NCT having a lot to answer for. The dad bonding thing also. My DDH bonded with our son as did my ex with our 4 children. He wasn't there at the birth in the early 70s and still bonded and has a lovely relationship with them. Family members were welcomed and made for a wonderful upbringing. The world has gone NCT mad.

I do feel for you Wishedgecrone, I am estranged from two of my grandchildren but I am sure that with gentle persistence you DD will come round. Just give them time to enjoy the sleepless nights and they will probably need you before long. sending you hugs to be going on with.

Rows tree. I do hope you manage tomsortboutbthe problem soon. it must be heartbreaking. I hope it has nothing to do with S I L

That's exactly it Rowantree although I don't get a rebuke really - just a sort of 'oh that was ages ago' attitude. I think we are all in the same boat with some things. In my DD's case, it's just thoughtlessness I'm sure. She has a lot on her plate.

KatyK and Mishap, that often happens to me! Or she will simply not refer to it again. And meanwhile I am researching online for answers or reassurance for ages, send a long email with advice and support and get either no reply or an irritable rebuke along the lines of, 'I didn't ask for your opinions!'

Mishap - I have had so many of those experiences with my daughter. Worrying myself sick about something she has told me and then next time
we speak and I ask her about it she will say 'oh that was sorted ages ago'.

PS ROWANTREE is WISEHEDGECRONE's NEW NAME :D

Thanks again, all - and I'm changing my name to Rowantree from now on (long story!) Not sure if previous posts will change too. Going out now - got to have a break from worrying! x

Interestingly, one of my DDs would ring up really upset about something and I would spend ages on the phone trying to help and then worry about it for days; then when we next spoke to her we would ask how things were and she would appear to forget that anything was ever wrong! We learned to let things flow by a bit, whilst still providing support at the relevant moments.

I can see a bit if this in your dilemma - one minute she is struggling with breast-feeding and wanting your advice and the next she seems to be pushing you away - leaving you worrying about how che is coping. She is probably coping just fine! - and wants to get onto her stride so that later on she can involve you on her terms and with the ammunition to say "Look - I can do it!"

What a delicate line we all tread! You are not alone!

I have to disagree with you jingle. ^ just turn up, you are entitled ^ even a mother can not just arrive on a doorstep. When GC were born we waited to be invited to visit and when it became obvious that we would be babysitters I asked if we could visit once a week so that GC were comfortable with us.
I feel for you wise but I believe you know your DD best and will make the right decision based on your experience.

Wise - relieved to see that you respect the new parents' instructions for no visitors during the week, it sounds as though simply turning up would be disastrous currently. I'm not supporting the 'instructions' but accepting that's what they want right now. A brief glance on the mums net sites suggests so many rules and conflicts around the role of grandparents and their involvement in the lives of their grandchildren. I do hope things settle down fairly quickly but meanwhile letters, cards, emails etc will hopefully encourage your daughter to shout for help if she needs it, or even better, invite you round for a cuppa and a cuddle of your little granddaughter, probably after the father has gone back to work.
I struggled with breast feeding the first time around, and my mum's focus was on encouraging me to give it up, and bottle feed. I'm so relieved we never had cross words about this, I bottled up the irritation and distress I felt at the time. Mum's experience of breast - v- bottle was that bottle feedings was "better", by which she meant it was easier to establish routines, the babies gained weight more quickly and slept through the night earlier. Mum's focus was on me, rather than the baby which I didn't really appreciate at the time. It's a potential minefield I think and one in which first time mums particularly can feel they're doing everything wrong. Good luck x

Mishap, you are right - she is doing just that, but often does this push-pull thing which is still v hard to cope with after all these years! Tells me a little of stuff and then puts up the barricades if I offer support/advice etc. Am aware of the need to respect her boundaries and I know it's my problem rather than hers, and that she knows we are there. What I struggle with is my mixed feelings about it; the silly child in me often sees it as a rejection (I have depression/anxiety too) whereas the rational adult can see where she's coming from. Believe me when I say I hate feeling like this and the last thing I want is to make my problems hers. They aren't. I do not want to be selfish and clinging and make huge efforts not to be, but I want to be close and for her never ever to doubt that we are proud of her, that she is dearly loved and always will be, no matter what.

Thanks to all. During the first week we helped by bringing prepared meals and helped take them back to hosp as the baby was re-admitted for a night. We did some shopping too but both of them are resistant to accepting further help and we can't insist as it upsets and angers DIL. We've learned this.

The situation has changed since yest evening and I can't say more than that here. Turning up would be a total no-no for her. Her partner WFH; they have a small flat and she has said that no one is to visit during the week - period. Also that they do not need any help. We have to respect that. I know that of old! Despite the email she sent me last night which I was concerned about, and us offering all kinds of help practical and supportive, it was rejected though she did thank us for that. She wants me not to ask any more questions. So we will do as they ask and I will just have to 'suck it' as a previous poster suggested, and get on with it, hoping they will ask for support as and when needed.

I never met any of my grandparents. The last one died when I was 4 months old, so I never knew how grandparents were supposed to behave.
So when my first granddaughter arrived, we turned up at the hospital, a hundred miles away, just after she was born.
I do not have daughters either, but I think that we have just as much right as the daughter's mother to have a decent relationship with grandchildren. I agree with Jo. Turn up on the doorstep. Then ask what you can do to help.
My son's second wife likes telling her stepdaughter what she can have to eat and drink in my house. I tell her to mind her own business. My house, my rules. Grandmothers are for spoiling kids if they want to.
Start off as you mean to go on. I have four grandchildren, aged from 6 to 20. They lost a grandad last year,when my husband died, when the youngest was 4. I nearly died this year. So do not waste time and get to know your granddaughter. Like Jo said, you're her mum.

Oh! I think you should just turn up on the doorstep! Take her something nice for herself. And don't refer back to any silences. You are her mum. You are entitled.

Wisehedgecrone Firstly congratulations on your little granddaughter's arrival - I am sure in time things will settle down and you will have a lovely relationship her.
Unfortunately, as grandparents we sometimes have to just suck it up if you will pardon the expression. You just have to fall in with the parents' idea of how things are going to be.
Jess's comment resonated with me - after our DGD was born, we and the other grandparents were allowed to visit for an hour each (we live 4 hours drive away and the other GPs live in France!) and then we were all banished for the 2 weeks' duration of SiL's paternity leave!
You don't say how far away you are from your daughter, but I just wonder if you could be a little more pro-active with offering practical assistance, eg if you live near enough, taking a casserole round for dinner, or just announcing you are coming round to do the ironing or take your DGD out for an hour while your DD gets a rest?

Hope it all comes right very soon for you and your family. Agree with the advice given so far.

It seems that your daughter has had many challenges to face in her life and has probably had to be single-minded in achieving what she has. As others have said, she may now feel under pressure to demonstrate that she can manage on her own.

Remembering the birth of my first child, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted with all the work involved in looking after a new baby and hardly had time to get dressed let alone anything else. That may be part of the reason she is not responding to e-mails, etc.

It is quite natural for you to feel disappointed and a little anxious about the situation. I think the e-mail you sent was very sensitive and loving and provided reassurance that you understood that she and her partner should make whatever decisions they felt were right for them in regard to the baby. Hopefully, once things have settled down a bit and your daughter feels more relaxed and confident, she will welcome your support.

You sound like a lovely mum and not at all needy or clingy.

YES,

Awwww wisehedgecrone I do feel for you. There is also the thing that these days mums are convinced that the dad bonding with the baby is a huge priority and that relatives visiting is a major threat to this on a par with an incoming cruise missile. (NCT has a lot to answer for maybe? )

My DD was the same. I didn't see DGD until she was several weeks old.
It then turned out that she was better with me than other gran and I was happy to hold her while DD got some rest.
Things are fine now and I think I will be welcome soon after the new ones birth (late oct early nov) if only to distract the elder child!

Thank you, all of you, for your thoughtful and kind replies. I am also concerned because I used to be a breastfeeding counsellor (in another life!) and initially DD (is that Dear Daughter?) said she would welcome my support. So I tried to give it. She has been struggling with it terribly, got cracked nipples, an infection and hates every minute of it apparently - plus the baby doesn't settle at night. I had awful problems breastfeeding but persevered and overcame them, and I thought that encouraging her to keep going was what she wanted. Now I am not so sure - maybe she now sees that as pressure.The mother of friends of hers has implied that she wants to stop, but is worried about 'letting everyone down' - though I have never ever made any judgments to her about how she feeds her baby. I would be devastated if what I thought was encouragement was seen as pressure. So, to correct any subliminal messages that might have come across, I've sent her an email, carefully worded, empathising about how tiring the early days and weeks can be and that she and her partner are their own best experts on their own baby, whatever advice they might seek from others - and that they should do whatever is best for them and their little one. I ended it by saying how well they were both doing, how much we loved them and just saying 'keep in touch, love - silence isn't always golden...' and that we were always here for them.
I don't know whether or not I will get a reply. I suspect it will be ignored too, but I can't give up trying to keep the 'line' open, so to speak. I totally agree that she is trying to go it alone, but we so desperately want to be a part of our granddaughter's life - as well as our daughter's and SIL's. That is probably totally selfish of me, I realise: I keep re-living the last time I cuddled her and that wonderful, dear little downy head resting on my chest as I held her.
It breaks my heart to think that we won't be allowed to visit for several weeks or more and waiting longingly for an invitation or response to ours.

And HildaW- a carefully chosen and worded card sounds an excellent idea, if I get no response to my email. Non-judgmental, just sending out lots of love. I won't give up but I am finding it so very hard to deal with the emotional pain and hurt.

How hard for you. It is interesting that people who have had to struggle through problems to be independent find it hard to do anything that might imply "neediness" of any kind. I think she is trying to establish her ability to "go it alone." But it is painful for you.

However - the other side of that coin is that you, and the way you brought her up, have given her the courage to be her own person.

I am sure that things will change with time and will think of you and hope for good things to come.

And so do I! There are enough words of wisdom here to cover anything that I might say, wise so I'll just send a hug.

I can never understand why daughters (and indeed DIL's) keep their mothers at arms length after the birth of their baby. I would have jumped for joy to have my mum cooing over my babies and would have gladly give them over for the occasional overnight babysitting too. It might not be a popular opinion but I think sometimes there is a little bit of selfishness and thoughtlessness involved which is all too often passed off as "hormones". Why would anyone want to keep their baby away from their grandparents who are the people who will essentially love and nuture the child as much as they will. I adore my three grandchildren and cannot imagine the sadness and hurt of being parted from them. I am very fortunate that my DIL has never prevented us from seeing them and knows that as grandparents we are "the next best thing" when she and my son are not available. My heart goes out to all grandmas who struggle to spend time with their grandchildren.

I don't think to are being in anyway unreasonable wisehedgecrone in wanting to be part of your grandchilds life. It is your daughter who is being unreasonable keeping you from him or her. I do hope things get better soon.