Gransnet forums


Breakdown of relationship with DIL/Son again !

(19 Posts)
Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 12:09:39

My son and his girlfriend have three children - boys - 6,4 and 3.

They are out of control and are becoming unpleasant, spoilt brats . They are not nice to be around.

My ex husband and I started a bakery thirty years ago and my son sells the bread at markets. They do not pay my ex for the bread and he has suffered greatly and me too as he is unable to pay me my alimony. I am living on JSA until I get my prnsion next year.

My son and his girlfriend spend on average £150 - £200 per day. My son is very worried and is bullied by his g/f if he does not give her money. He is on the brink of bankruptsy. She is being sued for £5,000 non-payment of rent and he says he has debts of £10,000. He is powerless in stopping her out of control spending and asks for me to move closer to them.

My relationship with the g/f had improved over the past year and she has been very nice to me. I , however do not want to be drawn into her web and frankly my grandchildren are so unpleasant I am ashamed of them

annsixty Fri 04-Oct-13 12:39:11

Just unbelievable,and I have seen most things!!!

Anne58 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:39:16

That sounds pretty awful Tonky it sounds as though at the very least they should be considering a debt management plan.

Aka Fri 04-Oct-13 12:51:25

Your son needs to 'man up' and not allow his girlfriend to bully him. There are some problems we cannot help with and in your position I'd be moving further away, not closer. You have my sympathy though.

Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 13:09:54

Thank you all for your support it has helped me feel better. They are very young only 25 but it never ends. There is always a bad problem and who knows what the outcome will be.

She was pregnant at 17 - my son is not the father but thinks he is - so she conned him and when all the money has gone she will dump him.

I am afraid I have told him the blunt truth in an email, which he has shown her and so that is that.

I had to say something than let them continue with their lifestyle.

Is it right that the boys only play on her iphone and she seems to encourage the fighting over it. She thrives on chaos.

Anne58 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:29:03

What are they spending £150 to £200 a day on?

Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 13:44:45

Food, make-up, clothes cigarettes, takeaways, cannabis, chocolates, Next catalog, alcohol. It is truly unbelievable and now the girlfriend wants to control the bank account.

I must try to forget about it as it is so distressing. They will probably lose their house which is the third one they have had and the third one they have trashed.

Her attidude is they will be re-housed in a council house.

annsixty Fri 04-Oct-13 13:56:29

Just re-read OP why on earth does your ex keep giving him bread to sell if he doesn't pay him for it?.Forgive my bluntness but I think you have maybe overindulged them both for far too long and it is a sin I have been guilty of in the past.A lesson has been learned in politition's speak.

Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 14:14:20

I completely agree

whenim64 Fri 04-Oct-13 14:46:51

Tonky who is looking out for these children so that they get some guidance about their behaviour? It concerns me that chidren are the innocent ones when parents don't act responsibly, and they are setting the children up to behave as badly as them.

Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 16:29:35

They listen to me when I visit but I live four hours away. They are good at school I believe.

FlicketyB Fri 04-Oct-13 16:38:06

Tonky, what a terrible situation to be in but whatever you do, do not give them money to help sort out their affairs. You will never see it again and retirement looms.

My rule has been never to bail my children out financially. I have never had the problems you had and but when they were teenagers I have helped them sort their affairs out, talking through solutions and going to banks with them and I have on occasion lent them a couple of £100s, but always with a tight and monitored repayment plan. I doubt that would work for you, but I think, more than anything, our children need to learn how to handle money and to know that any money they borrow has to be paid back with interest.

Given the current housing situation, they are more likely to end up in bed and breakfast than in a council house.

Tonky Fri 04-Oct-13 17:31:27

Thats the trouble he has had loads of money but it is coming to crunch time now FlicketyB ! What I find so hard is the way he confides in me and tells me how worried he is and how awful their life is. He is a good kind boy who gets up at 4.00 am every morning works till 9 to provide for the family. he gets no rest as he is bullied by her on his one day off. What i am upset about is that I had just rebuilt my relationship with her and now it is finished. I cannot condone her behaviour and by accepting her friendship I am doing just that.

I have no money now and I have struggled for two years with non-payment of alimony but have survived. What is galling is the fact she spends in a morning what I spend in a week ! But there it is, she has clearly got some emotional problem whereby spending money alieviates it.

She never lets me be alone with my son either.

FlicketyB Fri 04-Oct-13 19:51:07

*Tonky it is very difficult when we see our children make mistakes and they know they have messed up but lack the will to sort it out themselves. The worst thing we can do is step in and do or say anything ourselves, although we are aching to do so. Usually, if you have the courage and strength of purpose to step back and let them deal with it themselves you can preserve and rebuild your relationship and later look back on it together with love and affection. Once you have taken sides or tried to interfere you are part of the problem, when what you wanted to be was part of the solution.

A friend and husband went through a difficult patch and separated temporarily. The next day her mother rang her husband up and asked him to return all the presents she, the mother in law, had ever given him. This did more to hinder their later reconciliation than anything else. The relationship with the friend's mother was never repaired and the couple changed jobs and moved 200 miles away. Her action's to all intents and purposes lost her, her daughter and, when children were born, her grandchildren

Tonky Sat 05-Oct-13 10:05:01

Thanks FlicketyB I agree but surely standing back and saying nothing is not an option when just maybe by telling them the truth they might realise what a mess they are in.

I was denied access to my g/c for years so it is not particularly going to break my heart as it already has been.

To be honest the situation is so toxic I am better off out of it.

glammanana Sat 05-Oct-13 17:18:47

Tonky Can your x husband not speak to your son and tell him some home truths and stop supplying him him with his bread unless it is paid for,surely your boy must realize that ingredients need to be paid for by your x OH ?
As for spending that amount every day well the mind boggles,a 1/4 of that would keep them for a week in a reasonable lifestyle and cannabis at that !! No excuse for them being "only 25" and young it doesn't wash with me I'm affraid, you can't just blame the GF here you DS needs to as my boys say "man up" and be noticed. Hoping things turn out well for them as they don't seem to see how serious this is if they become homeless.

FlicketyB Sat 05-Oct-13 17:37:10

Tonky. I understand the temptation but when you tell people the truth they very rarely realise that is what it is and still more rarely realise the mess they are in and do anything about it as a result. They just see it as you interfering in their lives, putting them down or otherwise attacking their friends/partners. It makes the situation worse, not better.

A friend of mine had an utterly disastrous boyfriend, a crook and a cheat. Her parents told her that, so she walked out and married him and ended up having to take out court injunctions against him before divorcing him 5 years later. Another friend with a daughter in the same position said nothing but encouraged any ideas her daughter had that would separate them. She encouraged her to go to university, to go to one a long way away, (it is absolutely the perfect course for you dear, I will transport you many mile at the beginning and end of term (but not buy you a car)) and bit by bit over several years the relationship fell apart. Years later her daughter is thankful the relationship fizzled out but still doesn't realise how hard her mother worked to achieve it.

jeanie99 Sat 05-Oct-13 17:58:57


Both your son and dil are adults and are responsible for all their spending, DO NOT give them any money or goods to sell if they know you are a soft touch they will never give up trying. Falling in with their plans will never allow them to grow up.

Listen to what your son says and only offer advice if he asks for it. If they are in debt suggest he speaks to the companies he owes money too and get advice.
What ever happens it is their responsibility and they should me sorting their mess out not you. You only have enough money for yourself.

Try and keep on the good side with both your son and dil by being sympathetic only.
It's best to not become estranged from your grand children. Although they may be nightmares now they will grow up and hopefully will change and you can spend time with them and set a good example for them to see.

Your X should not be giving bread for selling to your son. He should speak to him about this and negotiate a rate, that's what being in business is all about.

If possible you should try thru a solicitor to get maintenance for yourself, take some advice on this.

We all see things in life that our children do but have to bite our tongues to keep the cart on the wheels I do the same.

Tonky Sat 05-Oct-13 18:33:26

Thank you all for your very kind thoughts, advice and caring participation in my troubles. I agree with all that has been said and it has helped me a great deal.

Bless you