Gransnet forums


DH's ex partner is getting married...

(24 Posts)
vampirequeen Sat 12-Oct-13 20:03:30

and she's going to invite us. We tolerate her and are nice to her for the sake of our children. Obviously I'm bloody good at being a two faced bitch or she'd realise quite how I feel about her. DH does not get on with his or her family. The guest list will be full of people who hate DH and, by default, me. I just think it's weird for her to even want us to be there.

AIBU not to want to go to her wedding.

Mishap Sat 12-Oct-13 20:23:04

Let her invite you - you do not have to go!!

Elegran Sat 12-Oct-13 20:23:10

I am sure you can find a previous engagement. If not, get someone to invite you somewhere, before the invitation from her arrives.

thatbags Sat 12-Oct-13 20:26:49

If you only tolerate her for her children's sake, all you need to do is reply along the lines of "regret we will be unable to attend" and wish her all the best. You don't have to give a reason.

thatbags Sat 12-Oct-13 20:27:18

or your children, sorry.

glammanana Sat 12-Oct-13 20:44:12

Yes I think you should refuse the invitation with regrets also,you never know what may be said by x inlaws and better to be safe than sorry,will the children still attend ?

glassortwo Sat 12-Oct-13 20:56:43

Just refuse, use a previous engagement.

JessM Sat 12-Oct-13 21:09:58

Went to a wedding recently where there was the "bride"'s ex husband and at least one of her other exes. And at least 2 old flames on the groom's side that I was aware of (maybe more?). Does your DH want to go? Do the children want you there? Is is one of those grin and bear it family occasions?

numberplease Sat 12-Oct-13 21:14:02

My second daughter and her husband get on extremely well with his ex-wife and her husband, to the extent that they`re always visiting each others houses, and his ex and her hubby were at their wedding. Nice, in some ways, but I find it rather strange.

vampirequeen Sat 12-Oct-13 21:21:37

The children will still go. Our daughter is going to be a bridesmaid and our son is going to be a page boy. If we thought our absence would upset the children we would go no matter what but they'll be so swept up in their roles they'll be fine whether we're there or not.

vampirequeen Sat 12-Oct-13 21:25:58

numberplease....your family are very fortunate that they all get on so well. I wish we did but it will never happen. The best we can do is pretend. As long as our children think we're all good friends that's all that matters.

glassortwo Sat 12-Oct-13 21:28:09

vampire as long as the kids think all is hunky dory that's all that matters.

vampirequeen Sat 12-Oct-13 21:31:02

That's how we feel and we work hard to make them think that.

glassortwo Sat 12-Oct-13 21:36:46

Good for you vampire

seasider Sun 13-Oct-13 07:54:03

I am confused why your children are part of her wedding? confused

vampirequeen Sun 13-Oct-13 09:41:27

Sorry I use the term 'our children' because I don't think of them as only my DH's children. I'm their step mother.

Our children are in the fortunate position of having four loving parents. Just because we don't really like each other doesn't affect how we feel about the children. If I spoke about DH's children or my stepchildren it wouldn't reflect the strength of feeling I have for them.

Our children are the most important people in this odd family situation. We all work together to ensure they feel secure and loved.

LizG Sun 13-Oct-13 09:45:06

As Glassortwo said 'good for you vampire'

Aka Sun 13-Oct-13 10:46:51

Go Vamps. Don your glad rags, put on the slap and fix a smile. Keep up the pretence one more time. And yes 'good for you'.

annsixty Sun 13-Oct-13 11:11:49

Yes so agree with that Aka I also would be there showing I was the better person and showing the children just how to behave.

petallus Sun 13-Oct-13 12:49:44

Perhaps the invitation is an attempt to let bygones be bygones for the sake of the children.

I can see it might be stressful for your DH to attend the wedding if he doesn't get on with his ex's family or his own, though, and if it is really the case that everybody at the wedding will hate him (and by extension you).

Is it possible things aren't quite that bad?

seasider Sun 13-Oct-13 13:01:52

Thanks vampire I understand. We never refer to our assorted children as half brothers and sisters. To us they are just brothers and sisters but I know OH' s ex thinks differently. Do you think your DH ex feels the same as you and might be relieved if you declined? Could be she is just inviting you for the sake of the children. If you are doing a great job of pretending you are all good friends the children may have assumed you would be invited.

vampirequeen Sun 13-Oct-13 20:00:12

Things are really that bad. His niece hadn't spoken to him for years but then contacted us when she wanted to use us as a free hotel for a few days. She wasn't happy when he said no and suggested the local Premier Inn. Not long after his mother phoned to tell me she'd heard rumours from his niece that he was having an affair. She didn't want to tell me but 'felt' I had to know. He's not having an affair of course.

His brother ignored him for five years then phoned out of the blue on Christmas Day. We thought he was being nice. Holding out the hand of friendship etc. Then it turned out he was touting for business. He wanted us to rent his caravan in Skegness for £500 a week.

His ex's father and partner got DH alone a few months ago and threatened him. DH was a PTI in the army and was in the county judo team so it didn't bother him.

These incidents are only the tip of the iceberg. Hence we have no wish to be in a room with them all. Ex is very friendly with DH's family so there are bound to be a lot of them there.

If we think our children will be upset then we'll go but otherwise we'll have a prior engagement.

thatbags Sun 13-Oct-13 20:17:01

May I ask how old the children are, vamp?

vampirequeen Sun 13-Oct-13 20:22:01

Our son is 5 and our daughter is 8.