Reducing contact with Grandmother

If your OH is offered and takes this job, it could be just what you need. A chance to start afresh in your own home with your own family. I do hope this plan comes off.

From the sound of this woman if you do move a 2 hour drive away, she will invite herself to stay more often than you would like! As others have said you have to put rules in place now. Tell her you are pleased she loves the baby so much, that you want your DD to have a loving relationship with her BUT she is your daughter and you are the one responsible for her day to day care. Your OH should also be with you when you have this conversation with her and back you up all the way. Good luck!

My DD MiL used to nip into the nextdoor neighbour's garden several times a day to cover the sleeping baby up. The mother would gently pull the blanket down as it was a warm day then watch as the neighbour (MiL) would sneak across and cover it up again. She is of Italian origin and was still giving my SiL a full meal every day even though he and my DD has a home of their own. He would drop in to see her every day on his way home from work where she would feed him up then go home to my DD who would give him another meal. He put on 3 stone in the first 6 months of their living together. My DD confronted him and he admitted what was going on, he then told his mum that he is fed at home. The first time he didn't go round she walked to his with the biggest bowl of pasta for their dinner. My DD then told her that she would feed him and he certainly did not need two big dinners a day. They still remain the best of friends. The MiL is a lovely lady although she never puts my DDH's name on a Christmas Card because we are 'Sinners' ie divorced and remarried

I think this goes across all cultures. The worst case I know was 100% British in culture, a mother who came between husband and wife, broke a marriage and 20 years later still has daughter and granddaughter living with her and still dominates and runs their lives.

Reading through all these posts makes me wonder if Grandmother is from a different culture? She does sound extreme in her relationships with both her son and daughter in law and the way she is behaving reminds me of the unhappy life a British Indian girl I worked with had with her in-laws.

She must be a very sad person. What a shame you are not able to enjoy your baby as you should. I would let her see these comments!

Well, after reading all of the posts I think she sounds horrendous. An absolute control freak. I would move away, not let her have a key, ask her to ring before she visits. I respect all of my children's lives and always ring to make sure they are not entertaining or busy. I have a lovely relationship with all of my grandchildren and have never interfered with the way they are brought up . If I were you veevix I would definitely move asap. Tell you DH to be firm with his mother. Of course she loves the baby but IT IS NOT HER BABY as you say. I really feel for you and hope this can be resolved for everybody's sake.

Two hours away sounds about right - hope he gets the job. You will then reduce the contact with grandmother to an amount that feels a bit healthier for all concerned.

I think I was being optimistic about £400 covering rent for a month so ignore that - senior moment., I imagine double would be nearer the truth. The distance sounds fine, but how would that impact your university studies?

TriciaF that sounds great.

I think you need to be more assertive, veexox

As I understand it, when you talk to your MIL you are saying two things.
Namely
1. I'm so pleased my dd has a loving grandmother.
2. Could you butt out a bit day to day.
The problem is that all of us tend to only hear what we want to.
Your MIL hears the first and ignores, downgrades, minimises, the second.
We all do this - conversations are complex and nuanced, but we like to take away a simple message, and if possible a message that pleases us !

I feel that unless you start being more direct and blunt in both your words and actions, she will never change.
I don't think this is being unkind. If she doesn't change then further down the line, it's possible you will just crack and go no contact with her.
And then, she will be aghast and hurt and will genuinely say
what did I do wrong
All because she didn't hear the second part of your message. . .

re older women breastfeeding - I think I've written before about our 2nd son and his wife living in India and adopting because she can't have children.
She managed, in late 40s, to breast feed the last baby they adopted. I was there and saw it.
She followed advice on the internet about stimulation of the milk-producing glands.

Sounds like a safe(r) distance to me.

I don't know where you live and amn not going to pry but as jessM says have you done your sums? £400 a month should cover rent for a small flat but if you are buying in the SE you will need all of that 2OK! Given how bad you feel about it all I am surprised you are still there!

It is realistic OH has 20 thousand in savings and we pay the family 400 a month they don't have a mortgage and both MIL & FIL work. I moved out when I was 16 and I have been in care so I fully well know how to look after myself without having someone doing everything for me. I dont feel included in her family MIL tells everyone that my daughter looks like her dad & her nothing like me but she has my skintone but her's will be better whatever that means she asked me in front of the whole family "why are your stretchmarks so bad?" I've caught her telling my daughter that she's lucky she looks like her and daddy not mummy and that grandma should look after her all the time. She's just not a nice woman I've tried talking to her, I think I'm just going to be civil well OH had a job interview for a job paying 15k more and 2 hours drive from MIL I think I will be telling him to take it!!

Dunno about wanting to breastfeed my first grandson but he was so gorgeous I wanted to eat him.

celeb bags

I completely agree with Jingle's first two posts. Get your own place and then come to an arrangement with Granny when she can be part of her grandaughter's life. Granny is as besotted with your DD as you are.. I know from experience the first time I held my DGD, she completely captured my heart and DD did not have an easy time as I initially offered all sorts of advice, mainly to make things easier for DD but I eventually realised DD was learning and nurturing her own baby as I wanted to do when she was born. It's a new role for everyone. Good luck.

Who is Vanessa Feltz?

She would need lots of extra hormones to do it! Probably just a bit of an exaggeration of how much she wants to bond with the babe.

Just a remark made in excitement

veexox I get the impression from your posts that you feel you MIL has great love for your child and great love for your husband.

However, you don't seem at all sure how much affection she holds for you.

That must be hard for you.

Vanessa Feltz attention seeking; Surely this cannot be !

You can breastfeed without giving birth but why on earth a grandma would want to do this, heaven knows!

It's not a life-threatening situation if a baby doesn't have breast milk.

I can't believe she's serious, just maybe over-excited and attention-seeking.

Does the mother not want to do the breastfeeding herself? Or can't? Breast milk is the best option for babies as we all know. Guess the baby would n't mind who it comes from.

How would she get milk going though?

Is it much different from donating blood?