Reducing contact with Grandmother

No I've never threatened her but she just acts like my daughter is her child. My labour was very quick mil drove us to the hospital and came in I was 10cm and gave birth in the triage room I was too busy pushing to ask her to leave, she called me fat 10 mins after giving birth and I had to wrestle my newborn daughter out of her arms so I could feed her. MIL said she would give her a bottle if I wanted and she tried to stay the whole time cuddling my newborn baby I just wanted to cuddle my baby and have some sleep. I went crazy at my partner after this and told him he should have told his mum to leave he said I should have said something I said I was too busy pushing our daughter into the world!

You are going to have to be very diplomatic and assertive at the same time. You need your own home as soon as possible, but try not to alienate your partner's mother in the meantime. She will probably relax if you allow her more hands on time with the baby, but make it at your request, not hers. Ask her to babysit, perhaps once a week allowing you and your partner to go out together. Invite her to go shopping, or for a coffee with you and baby. Include her, but on your terms.

Make it very clear to her that she is welcome to visit you and even babysit when you move, but it must again be on your terms. But please remember to be generous with allocating time for her to be with a baby she clearly adores.

Most of all do try to make a friend of her, I think she needs a friend.

Was the baby born at home? Do they let anyone in on births these days, permission or no?

My heart goes out to you Veexox it really does. Being the grand mother of only one gc who I am not allowed to see, he is now 2 and I haven't seen him since he was 8 months old, I cannot understand why you m.i.l. is being so unreasonable.

Unless I'm mistaken you haven't threatened her with not being able to see her much loved grandchild. Not having been given the opportunity to be a grand mother to my gs it is difficult for me to be able to speak from experience, but I agree that she is not exhibiting 'normal' grandparent behavior.

You're clearly distressed by the situation and your desire to do the right thing for all concerned or you wouldn't have posted here. I can only wish you the very best. I'm sure things will settle down when the 3 of you have your own place. I hope your m.i.l. will be able to appreciate how fortunate she is in having you as her d.i.l. and that you'll be able to work together and find a happy solution to your problem.

MIL has no rights and however much she loves your child, it is not her child and she has to visit at your home on your terms.

Equally, grandparents are important figures in many children's lives and it would be good to find a compromise once you have your own home.

It is sad that things have got off on the wrong foot, but when you are in your own home you will need to be gentle, but firm. Someone who would "barge in on the birth" might be a bit of a challenge and I wish you lots of luck with this.

How soon will you and other half be able to afford somewhere of your own? If it will be too long you could be better renting. Is your name down for a local authority let? Might be somewhere you would not choose to live, but many others have started that way at first. If it is not, get it down so that you can work your way up the list. If you can afford somewhere before then you can always come off it again.

Once you get there, you will feel more secure in your own home.

I never said I would stop her seeing her obviously when we move out she will not have unrestricted access to her 24/7 and I said I'd prefer her to visit a few times a week or we go round to hers etc. but this isn't enough for her she wants to visit her everyday for hours which I think is it a bit much. FIL has aspergers syndrome and my partner agrees she is far too clingy and OTT with LO but she doesn't listen to him either!

I think the mil was most likely panicking when she said she would apply for visiting rights. Anyone would if they were threatened with not seeing a much loved grandchild.

Is there a FIL in all this ?
Could you try having a word with him ?

MIL has no grounds to claim custody of your child, you appear to be doing everything right for your child. I think your best way forward is a home of your own whilst keeping contact for the baby.

KatyK "It is not easy these days" It never was easy.

When I was a baby my father was in the regular army (1939-ish) He only got an allowance for a dependent, and a married quarter, after he was 25. He reached that great age when I was a year old. Until then they lived in "rooms" in other people's houses wherever he was stationed (paid for out of his £2.50 a week pay, as were all other expenses for me and my mother.) He ate all the meals he could at work, to save spending on himself, and cycled in each morning.

These were not relatives, so there was no MiL to contend with, but the stresses of sharing a house were there - kitchen only to be used within certain hours and no stores kept there, no noise allowed at all! crying baby had to be taken out and wheeled around the streets until she quietened, father accused of "stamping around in his boots" upstairs when he had taken them off as usual at the front door and crept around in socks, nappies only hung on the line at designated times, every scratch on furniture must have been caused by me, even in rooms we never were allowed into.

And no raised voices! If things got stressful, my father would put his boots back on and go out and work in the garden.

It takes tact and tolerance on all sides!

I'm glad to read that you and your partner will be moving to your own place in a few weeks. I do think it's OTT for your mother in law to say that she will be asking for custody and visiting 'rights'. I think you need to bite your tongue whilst you're still living with her, but be prepared for a discussion about roles once you've moved. Please don't cut contact with her, or even threaten to as it will push her into a corner and I suspect she'll come out fighting.

This is a tricky situation and at a time when you are all a bit vulnerable. You are needing to find your own way of doing things and someone is there "telling you what to do." And you are still heaving with hormones and flooded with the instinctive "protect my child" tigerish qualities that we all have towards our children as a matter of nature.

It sounds as though MIL does not have a lot of satisfaction in her life, and she is suddenly presented with a situation where she feels she has a role and can make a contribution.

So, the situation is set up for conflict.

Where does your OH stand on all this? Would he sit down with you and sort some ground rules that you could then discuss with MIL, or is he desperate to keep out of it , as indeed a lot of men would be? It is quite important that the two of you find common ground over this, so that you can tackle it in the right way together.

We had one of our DDs and OH and baby living with us for 5 months and we did indeed need to be very careful about how we played things. We were very careful to make sure that she felt that her decisions about how the baby was cared for had priority, but that our decisions about what is acceptable in our home had their proper place too.

I have to say, it was a delicate game to play, and I am not at all surprised that your MIL, in the context of her rather unsatisfying life, is finding it tricky.

But - she should not indeed be telling you that you are an unfit mother - this is of course out of order and must be very hard for you whilst you are finding your feet as a new Mum. We are all vulnerable to criticism at this time.

I know it is hard to find the energy when you are beset with sleepless nights, but one idea might be to try and develop a life for you and the baby outside of the home: mother and baby groups, visits to friends, visits to the swimming pool or library for their baby sessions etc.

Please do pursue all channels for finding your own accommodation (housing dept, CAB, housing associations, private rentals, MP) and do not be worried about MIL's custody threats.

It might help if you could try and treat MIL as a sad and lonely middle-aged lady who is frightened about losing this lovely new person who has come into her life.

Being a grandparent is not always easy, and, whilst it does sound form your account (and we have only heard one side) as though she is getting a lot of things wrong, at least she does care about her, and there are few enough people in our lives who love us unconditionally, so the aim should be to keep her in your lives, but on your terms when it comes to child care.

We aren't dependent teenagers my partner works in London and is 27 when I fell pregnant partner expressed he would really like to buy his own home and stop renting so he asked me to move in with his family. It was ok for a while but she seems to think this is her chance to be a mother to a young baby again. Baby goes to the University creche when I attend lectures because I can never be sure what shifts MIL will be working and she never takes her out of the house when she babysits. She's scared of her getting cold etc..

We lived with my MIL for a few months when my daughter was born. I was only 20, very unworldly, my MIL didn't like me one bit. She didn't try to take over my baby but she considered that I should do more to help her (MIL). She had type 1 Diabetes and a fair few problems. I did my best but it was never good enough. She was a very intimidating lady and had 2 equally intimidating sisters who used to appear every day and MIL would tell them that I had bought the wrong bread, put the wrong fillings on her sandwiches, left her on her own while I went to the shop (!), the list went on. I would then be questioned by the sisters about why I wasn't doing more for MIL. All this whilst trying to cope with a new baby. Fortunately the we were only there for a couple of months. I know it's not easy these days, but try to get your own place. I do sympathise.

Have you tried to get somewhere to live by yourselves?

My dad and his partner live 200 miles away but they are involved in my daughters life and come to visit regularly. My mum walked out on me when I was 13 she abused me physically and emotionally I haven't seen her for 4 years and she doesn't have contact with me or my daughter this is why I want have such a close bond with my daughter and do things my own way. Of course I want MIL to have contact it's so important to be close with Grandparents as I was with my own Grandmother before she died but this is not normal Grandparenting this is trying to take over. I think visits twice a week is reasonable?

She won't get custody unless you are incompetent as a parent, and you don't sound like that to me.

You say you are a student. Where is baby while you are at lectures? I don't imagine she will be sitting in her buggy beside you.

I agree with everything Elegran has said but my DD was in a very similar situation in Northern Ireland and I know how much she suffered with a battleaxe of a MIL living in the granny annexe on the side of the house. I therefore can't help seeing this situation from the young mother's point of view.

Jingl is right. They need a place of their own where they can function as a family. Living with parents is tricky enough even if you all get on like a house on fire. If you don't it's a nightmare and everyone will have a miserable time.

I can see what you mean, Jingle The basic problem here is that the poster is living under someone else's roof, with the mother of her other half. She feels as though she is still a dependent teenager, not the mother of her own little family. The other side of the equation is that when she doesn't want to share her daughter, she probably appears to her MiL like a child who wants to keep her best toy all to herself. And MiL has had plenty of experience in childcare, and is longing to do a bit more of it.

This is not a toy. She is a little person, who will grow into a big person. As she gets older she will need al the family she can get. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. By knowing her grandmother, she will understand her father better - I know I could understand both my parents' outlooks on life because I knew all four grandparents (and four greatgrandparents and a lot of aunts and uncles) very well.

Letting MiL into the circle will not make her love her mother less. Love is not limited, it expands to cover all.

If a separate home is possible, go for it. It will be hard work - I bet MiL does most of keeping things right in the house. You can then be queen of your own castle, and invite your Queen Mother to visit, ask her to babysit while you go out with your other half, and even keep baby overnight in her own home occasionally. But if you have to share a home, try to be gracious about fixing how it should be, and don't become alienated from baby's grandparents. You are the primary carer of your baby, but she owes half her genes to that side of the family. Of course there is a bond there too. Don't break it.

I'm thrilled to bits she loves her granddaughter the problem is she now seems to think she is my daughters mother/primary carer as well she tries to co-parent with us. My partner works all week and even on the weekends she makes sure she's not working so she can spend time with me partner and our daughter for the whole day. Me and partner have tried to tell her we like to spend time alone sometimes but she doesn't listens his mother gets up at 5 am to make his breakfast and cook his lunch for the day at work which seems a little excessive to me at the weekends she's constantly asking partner what he wants to eat and making food for my daughter (I'd like to do this but she gets really moody if I cook anything). She only works 2 days a week and then even in the week it gets worse as she's off work so tries to co-parent with me never goes out and gets upset when I say I'm meeting friends without her . Asking me will baby be ok and should I leave her with her because she's worried some of the other babys will give my daughter a cold. I've told her she doesn't need to be so OTT as I've looked after my baby for 6 months and she's fine and I don't want to co-parent but she just ignores me and carries on with her behaviour. I just feel so suffocated! I don't want to cut contact completely that is so unfair because she does love her but it's a bit too much to me I want her to be a Grandma not a co-parent. I just want her to come visit a few times a week instead of 24/7 her being there now she's threatening me for custody I don't know what to do. It's like she thinks my daughter is hers...

veevox, are you still in touch with your own parents? Is it significant that you don't mention another set of grandparents?

jingle I don't think it does. Have a heart. Young mum living in IL's - this is a tricky situation even if there is a really solid, open relationship between all parties and there is a degree of sensitivity on the part of the MIL about not taking over and undermining the new mum. Please tread gently jingle with new members that are obviously quite upset, or they would not have posted here.

I don't think I could explain it in such a way that you would understand it dorsetpent.

How is the title of this thread controlling ? Elegran's remarks are very helpful indeed - try and meet on neutral ground and discuss it properly. She has gone a bit overboard, but she obviously loves her grandchild very much. Something all us grannies can appreciate. I'd hate to lose contact with my two so don't cut her off. Between you come up with a plan for contact but point out that you are the mother, not her, and she must abide by your rules and feelings. Good luck.