Japan

I have a Japanese daughter in law who is lovely but so opaque - she always smiles and is helpful- no idea what goes on in her mind. She is a lovely mum and partner to my difficult son - how do I connect with her?

I had a Japanese DiL who was really engaging, friendly and lovely. She was kind, loving selfish and a liar.

I doubt the fact that she was Japanese had a lot to do with it as I also had a British DiL who had similar characteristics

Go with the flow with your DiL and be grateful for her good points.

Stop trying. Just be pleasant back and gradually things will ease between you, or not, as the case may be. Just accept her as she is. She has no 'responsibility' to open up to you. Stop wanting her to be what you want rather than simply what she is.

Or, to out it another way, what makes you think you have any right to know what goes on in her mind if she prefers to keep it private?

Would you know what she was really thinking if she were English?

I'm not sure I'd want to know what goes on in my two British DiL minds. If my Irish MiL knew what went on in my mind at times, we wouldn't have the reasonably good relationship we've got.