Denied Contact? How to move forward?

Kiora, thanks for your sensitive and honest post. I share your hope that no-one has been hurt by your comments. I don't see how your description of the influence your friend's well meant comments on your feelings about the situation can be hurtful to others.

This thread is about how we move on when denied contact. The way you are doing this, is inspirational.

Oh dear I think I may be about to say something controversial and I hate controversy. I have been where some of you are now so I do have some insight. I agree it that there is no harm in letting your grandchildren know that you always loved them and were heartbroken that you couldn't be in their lives. You could say that very simply in a letter without going into the painful details. You could leave them gifts or money. Please be very careful that you don't inevitably cause more pain. I couldn't bear the thought of causing a rift or causing resentment between my grandchildren and their own parents. It would just perpetuate the pain throughout future generations. I can remember thinking of some pretty awful scenarios were my estranged daughter would suffer terrible guilt. But they were just that thoughts. I realise I'd have hated them to come true when a good friend who found my pain to much for her said" if anything happens to you I'm going to tell her what she's put you through" I was horrified and made her promise not too. I loved her and my grandchildren with all my heart and could never have really hurt them or made them live with such a black terrible legacy. I hope I haven't hurt any of you. Your already suffering so much.

Think wishfully Smileless it will give you hope (((hugs)))

No Aka I'm afraid that isn't possible as he's living in Australia at the moment and could be there for another 3 years, although I wouldn't be surprised if they come back before then, or maybe that's just wishful thinking .

Smileless have you ever considered moving to be near the son who does appreciate you, or is that not possible?

Thank you Mishap and Acorn. It is so comforting to receive messages of support . I've had my life enriched with the friendships that have developed thanks to Gransnet and have re kindled an old interest by joining a new gym.

That old saying 'what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger' is so true. We've been married nearly 34 years, and yes we've had our problems, but it is, and always has been a good marriage and since this estrangement, we have grown even closer and stronger as a couple.

for you both.

I am sorry, Smileless2012, of the mishap to your husband. I hope he's now feeling much better. Often mishaps in life make you stronger and I hope this is the case for you and your husband. I know how difficult it is to put aside what are normal, parental feelings of love for your offspring. I am not suggesting you put aside that love, simply that you retain it but learn not to let the anguish depress you. It's hard I know, but I have done it. My life is now enriched in other friendships and interests.

Tough times for you. Glad you are both safely home. So sorry that there is this estrangement in your life. I truly feel for you.

Those are very brave and wise words Smileless I hope you find the courage to carry them out and enjoy your life again.

What a great post Acorn, especially the final sentence you've managed to express exactly how I feel but was unable to find the right words.

We've just come back from a month's holiday, three and a half weeks in Oz and 4 days in Singapore. We went to see our son who we hadn't seen for a year and had a wonderful time, but while we were there my dear hubby had a health scare. He experienced severe chest pains so we took him to the hospital as we thought he was having a heart attack. After 6 hours of tests and wonderful care, he was given the all clear.

While we were waiting for the results, our son 'phoned his brother to tell him what was happening, he told us his brother was shocked and asked to be kept informed, which we assumed he was. There wasn't even the briefest email or text message from him to his father to say he was pleased or relieved that he was OK.

The doctor told us that there is a medical condition called 'sad heart syndrome' which can damage heart muscle and is caused by prolonged periods of extreme stress and anxiety. Poor hubby had had an extreme anxiety attack which had affected his heart rate but thank goodness there was no evidence of damage.

We too are at a loss as to what we could have done that, as you said Acorn "is beyond a spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation" and appears to render him incapable of being able to express any sense of relief that his father is well.

It is ultimately a question of self preservation. Hubby's doctor and our son told us that we need to take steps to distance ourselves emotionally from this terrible situation, easier said than done of course, but hopefully not impossible.

There was a time that day in the hospital when I thought I might lose my wonderful hubby. Thank God our son and his lovely wife were there to support and comfort me. Back home again and getting over the heart breaking goodbye's as we left our son in Oz, not to mention that terrible day, I'm realising just how important it is to focus on what we do have. To treasure and enjoy the people and things with which we are blessed, to fill my heart and mind with these things, leaving less room for the pain that our estrangement from our son and only grand child has, and continues to cause.

My thoughts entirely, Iam64.

I rather think you have the correct approach, that is to get on with your own life. It's a matter of self preservation. I've been denied access to my grandchildren, told in no uncertain terms by my son not to make contact with anyone at the address where they live. I'm not aware that I have committed any serious demeanour that is beyond a spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation.

You are so right grandadgiff I feel like, Mary Shelley's Dr. Frankenstein I inadvertently created my own little monster and instead of bringing up a well balanced and educated young man, I have created a selfish and self centered one.

I still have to buy a box to put in the cards already purchased and those that will be purchased in the future; a book to write in the poems already written and the things I've not had the chance to say to my dear gs and all the things I will want him to know in the years that lie ahead.

I hope and pray that one day we will know him, be able to hold him in our arms and tell him that we loved him from the very beginning and that that love never went away. We've left him his memory box in our wills so one day he will know and may be he'll question his parents' judgement. I wonder what they'll say if and when he does.

Thank you grandadgiff

Above all just remember you probably spoilt your children rotten and they became selfish and self centred. One day when it is too late their own children will question their judgement. Keep a log of all the cards, presents, requests that you gave to your granchildren and God willing when they are of an age you can share the feelings you had each time you were denied.

Iam64 you put that so well. I wish I could get stronger emotionally just when something happens like husbands accident last week I want my daughter, ridiculous when been 5 years it is just so painful.

Nt having good day!

Whatever happens don't let it spoil your time with your son in oz smileless.
Try to look as positive sign your son needed you and you had to respond tests what mums do.

Thank you Iam

Smileless, it sounds as though you had a fairly awful experience, that's left you feeling hurt and distressed.

We spend our lives emotionally involved with our children, and it's hard to let go of feelings of responsibility for their welfare. Self preservation is something most parents never have to think of in relation to their children. I hope you can create a degree of emotional distance,so that understandable feelings that are raised when we feel rejected, don't dominate your life. Never say never but look after yourself and live your life as well as you can

Well it looks as if I'll be retaining my user name for now at least as our little glimmer of light appears to have been extinguished. Having worked so hard to move on with our lives, we responded to what we believed was our s reaching out to us in his hour of need, only to be reciprocated with that deafening wall of silence.

Even though when the opportunity arose, I was surprised that my prime evil instinct for self preservation was so strong that I feared it would over ride my maternal instinct, it was my maternal instinct that won the day.

Did I do the right thing? Of course I did. Do I regret turning up on his door step at 11.30pm and asking him to let us in because we were so worried about him? No. Do I wonder how to pick myself up again, after laying myself wide open to the possibility of being rejected once again? Yes I do, but I will because what is the alternative.

Perhaps for me, the only way forward IS to accept that it's over. As difficult as it is to live with, it's got to be easier than daring to dream that things are going to get better, only to find that the briefest moment of hope all too quickly becomes another period of despair.

Sorry meant to thank whenim as well.

Iam thank you.
The last 7 words of your response is enough for me.
I am so sorry that your relationship with your daughter is not good and certainly not the way you want, and I hope that one day she will want to try and rebuild.

Another for getting this back on track Minty. I'm a glass half full person as well. The point made by wheni'm64 about children growing up and starting to make up their own minds about family rifts applies to our grandchildren. We were 'lucky', in that despite conflict and difficulty, we did continue to support and love our daughter so had a relationship with our grandchildren before she stopped any form of communication with us. The children were 11 by then, and decided they'd visit us. We're a number of years on now. Sadly, there is very little communication with our daughter. Her children though continue to have a relationship with us. Of course, this isn't what any of us would have chosen. It makes special occasions a challenge, we don't always get it right, but we do our best, and our grandchildren know they are loved.

Thanks for getting this thread back on track, Minty. It's easy to get dragged down into feeling helpless and loss of all hope. Children grow up and start to make their own minds up about family rifts, some decide to act on their curiosity, in the same way that adopted children go looking for their birth relatives. Adult relationships don't all last, and along with divorce and separation, family ties are renewed. It can turn on a sixpence, maybe not the emotional reunion that is dreamed about, but gradual return to contact and opportunities to start afresh.

Mishap what a very interesting and so important comment you have written.
I think by now you will know that I try to be a glass half full person, for a whole host of reasons, and I also feel that those involved in this situation want to raise awareness of denied contact, of course there has to be a place for people to go to share their hurt and pain, but if others don't feel they want to read posts then we will find it increasingly difficult to get our messages across.
I suppose this is why I started this thread.
It is vital as well for people to know that there are good news stories as well and I would ask anyone who has rebuilt a relationship with their grandchildren to share those thoughts.
Very often, understandably,we use forums ect to rant and open up our inner most thoughts, and then when things improve, we no longer need that particular sort of crutch so the uplifting realities are not seen.
They do happen, and things do get better.
Thank you all for your comments.

I dip into this thread now and again - not too often, as it is too distressing. Just wanted to send good wishes to all those going through these difficult times and hope for good outcomes.