To consider cutting contact with mother in law

MIL I know exactly where you are coming from.
The thing that upset me the most apart from the nasty comments was our children were always treated differently to my husbands sisters children.
She couldn't do enough for them, she took them on outings and had them stay for weekends, praised them until you were sick of hearing it.
I was never good enough for her son and she made it clear. we had nothing in common her only interest was bingo.
I tolerated her as you do to keep the cart on the wheels as you say and after the children grew up just visited occasionally with my husband, he was a very good son to her but when we moved out of the area I stopped visiting and we only had her occasionally for a stay over.
She died last year at 92 and she never realised that I was the one who asked the children to visit her because they never would have bothered since they didn't have a relationship with her.
I have to smile because after all the bragging about her daughters children being so clever they never did get to University but ours did, that must have really stuck in her throat.
As she got older my husband visited her on his own did the shopping and gardening staying over if she needed him.
My husband only realised later what a nasty person she could be he had made excused for her behavior for years.

Tell your husband you don't want her in your home, life is too short to put up with nasty people.

My DH does support me, but he teases her too, which makes her mad (come to think of it most things seem to make her mad!). I agree I must be the bigger person and not let her get to me, but its very wearing! Ill try some of the strategies suggested, maybe even initiate a conversation (something I avoid like the plague). Fortunately we are away this weekend so excuse not to have her round, so we have an excuse not to see her for a bit, by which time she will no doubt have invented a story to justify her unpleasant comments.

Does DH stand up for you to her face or only behind her back? I really think he should put your feelings first in these circumstances, and intervene immediately. If he insisted on taking her home early each time she is rude it is possible she might think before speaking out of turn!

I had the opposite problem with my ex MIL. She mistakenly thought I was wonderful. Until I divorced her DS!

She sounds like a female Alf Garnet, suzied. I think your only option is to grit your teeth and try to see the funny side of some of her comments. You could also imagine a little thought bubble above your head where you store all the things you would really like to say but can't. I used to do this when I was teaching and it worked every time.

If you have put up with it for a long time - you may as well carry on as she is 93.
Just bite your tongue and refuse to get into an argument.

However, if it is really upsetting you and making you feel stressed I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask your DH to visit his mother on his own or bring her to your house when you are out.
You don't HAVE to tolerate this if you don't want to.

Discuss with your DH - He should be helping you come to some sort of solution over this!

Suzied

Having had a lifetime of dealing with exactly the same MIL as yours I will say the advice Mamie has just given you is pretty much bang on. It sadly took me years to do it but it worked and we are now, reasonably sociable with each other.

The advert on the tele where the old granny leaves the room after being rude at the dinner table and bangs the piano keys on her way out and says "We never knew who your father was" always makes me smile as it sums her up to a tee.

At her age I would carry on with the contact but introduce the actions Mamie has mentioned. Why?. Because I would suspect you are the better person and one day you will be glad you did.

I wouldn't mind betting that there are many folk around you who have the situation sussed and I would say lastly, don't be hard on yourself if you start to take control, she may even respect you more.

Good luck.

Mamie

Sorry interrupted by a delivery mid-post.
I would also let her see that bad behaviour has consequences. If you take her for coffee and she behaves well then you can say that it was nice and arrange a day to do it again. If she behaves badly, then leave it longer than normal to contact her. She may not get the message, but you will be in control.

I would challenge her a bit. Not over everything, but I would say, "Actually MiL we don't like racism in our house, much rather you didn't make that sort of comment". Say it calmly, in a non-confrontational way and smile. "Oh, I can't agree with you there". "No, I haven't laid the table yet, are you very hungry?". Mumsnet would suggest "Did you mean to be so rude?"
My MiL was cantankerous and would have just got more and more difficult if had let her get away with it.

Yes she always been a difficult "my way or no way" personality, and as she's got older and inevitably no longer the queen bee this makes her even more grumpy. She does have some good qualities doesn't moan too much about her health ( that would be an admission of weakness) , works hard and doesn't give up, but her constant criticism from the minute she gets in the door ("you haven't laid the table yet I see" or "I hope you're not cooking me sprouts as I had them for lunch " ) I know this sounds minor and we do try to smile and my DH says " the sergeant major's arrived" is irritating beyond belief. The racist remarks about the neighbours and personal attacks are less easy to smile at. I do compare her to my own gran who lived to be 100 and was sweet and smiley and loved to sing to us. Being nasty at any age is surely unacceptable, however I do know she won't change, won't apologise ( it's all my fault and she is only telling the truth after all is the way she sees it), so I will just keep my distance and try to avoid any further unpleasantness. I don't see myself avoiding her completely though. I know we all have a limited time , but this has been going on since she was widowed about 20 years ago. Before then she had her poor husband to terrorise. To be honest I've had enough of gritting my teeth.

absent has expressed my own views on personality and ageing above. I agree with her that most people usually become more like themselves as they age. The exception is dementia, or other significant health problems that can change personalities.
Some people have unpleasant personalities. There, I've said it. They are likely to continue to indulge themselves, or even indulge their bad behaviour even more, with the excuse of age.

I have known plenty of people in their nineties who never lost their manners, good nature or natural charm. It is not an automatic part of growing old to grow obnoxious. I think people just become more of whatever they already were as they get older, except in cases of dementia. I simply do not believe that there comes an age when it is excusable and acceptable to be rude to and insensitive about other people including family members.

It's the when I grow old poem without actually having read it, Jane.
Hope she doesn't start spitting in the street.

I think as people get older, they become disinhibited, and also less aware of the effect their words and deeds have on other people - a polite way of saying they regress into childhood, but without the redeeming freatures of most small children.
Suzie it's really hard for you I can see, but at least your DH is on your side. I would follow his advice, and try to rise above it.
Good luck.

I dare you, suzieb. Tell her at least she's not boring. See what happens.

My MiL is very fond of one of my grandsons. He laughs when she has one of her hissy fits and says" oh great granny at least you not boring" for some reason she finds this very amusing and thinks he's the most wonderful boy!

My mother in law has been like that since my son was a year old, and he's just turned 47, so I cannot blame plaque in her carotid arteries.
She has seven great grandchildren and the only ones she sees are my grandchildren when I take them. My grandson puts her in her place. He asks her how old she is and tells her she is not going to die until she is a hundred. She finds that quite charming for some reason.

Suzied, my mother in law has always been like that. She is 92 now, and I just feel sorry for her. She had 3 sons, and none of them visit her very often because she has always made it clear that she does not like her daughters in law. My husband died two years ago, but her two other sons do not seeher very often. One of them takes her shopping once a fortnight, picking her up and dropping her off at the door. He lives half an hour's drive away from her.
It's not just family. She falls out with friends as well. She lives on her own, like I do, but her family rarely see her. When they do she's nasty, so they do not bother. She once fell out with her eldest son who lives in South Wales, over the fact that his wife did not cook anything to suit my 7 year old son's tastes. The first we all knew about it was when she and my father in law came downstairs with their cases and flounced off home. They never visited again for seven years.
I keep phoning her up and take my grandchildren to see her when I can, but I live at least an hour away and cannot drive far. I keep having to remind her sons that she is actually their mother, not mine.
Just accept that she's the way she is and is not going to change. It makes things a lot easier.

A bit of tolerance for someone of that age would n't go a miss. That's all.

DH has the right idea. Just let her stew for a bit and when she comes out of her strop carry on as if nothing has happened. Also instead of inviting her to your house why not instead, occasionally arrange to meet her for tea and cakes at a local cafe. She might behave better in that sort of setting and it need only be for 30 minutes or so.

I knows she's a pain but she is 93.

It does sound as though she has been unpleasant for years though, jings and she has had a lot of slack in her time. Or was that aimed at those saying she won't be around much longer?

Why? At what age are you "allowed" to be obnoxiously rude?

She's 93!!!

Cut her some slack for God's sake!

Yes I believe personality change can be due to central nervous system changes. But you stick up for yourself. Remember that a man of 102 cycled 17 miles the other day. She could be around for another 10 or 15 years.

Oh that's interesting Paige and May very well account for some of my MiL outbursts. Though not when she was younger but certainly over the last 10 years. Thanks