Gransnet forums


to ask for help with a pil situation

(18 Posts)
ineedsensibleanswersplease Mon 24-Feb-14 18:11:12

Hi after a bit of advice about my in laws I've asked on mumsnet but have got the usual go NC but its not really helpful.
And I apologise for posting on here I'm really not a troll or a mil hater or anything like that i know there are millions of nice mils on here who give brill advice hence the post.

We are currently no contact with basically my husbands entire family.
I think the family had quite a few issues before I came along from what dh says a few examples are fil wasn't around very much when dh and his dbros & dsis were younger. Mil was constantly leaving home saying she was going to kill herself and that her dc would never see her again then disappear for days at a time. She gave her (young) DC sedatives on occasions to help them sleep and still insists she has pnd now even though her youngest dc is 24.
When I first met dh we went away on holiday mil and fil followed just happened to book a last minute holiday to our resort while we were there and didn't leave us alone for the week.
When we got engaged to be married mil told me she thought my dh was just joking and he wouldn't actually marry me. When we did get married she tried to take over the entire wedding and me and dh said we wanted to do it our way. She agreed we were then invited to a party a week later which was a complete mock wedding the way mil wanted us to get married. Obviously these are the most extreme behaviours there had been lots more subtle issues such as constant nasty remarks and not allowing me to be on any family photos so they're not ruined when my dh divorces me etc.

They constantly warned my dh in front of me that he should put more assets in his name so he is better off when we divorce. I wouldn't mind im the major wage earner and they know so were basically advising him to fleece me to my face.

My dh ended up having a big row on one occasion this happened at their house we came home.

I went on to have a DD 3 years ago and I'm not being dramatic I did actually almost die in labour ended up on a critical care unit. They came unexpectedly and while I was asleep managed to goodness knows how take my DD out of my bay and tried to taker her off the ward to see their friends who had come along. I woke up to a midwife shouting at my pil for trying to take my baby away. I did end up becoming obsessed with keeping her safe after this to the point i was having anxiety attacks i again do think they played a part in this. I got frightened to see them on my own because they were so nasty to me. They started just turning up at my house and sitting outside in their car until dh came home without knocking on my door. I do admit when i saw them i wouldnt go out and invite them in as i felt i couldnt face them. they started calling my dh work to speak to him when i wasnt around and were rude to his boss when she didn't put them through.

It all got too much and my dh told them he didn't like their behaviour it blew up into a massive row and they told him they hated me and always had i would never be as accepted as his exgf and that they wished my dh had never been born.

We tried one more time to visit them at a family party at their home but mil kept insisting she held DD I didn't want her to because I just felt like she wouldn't take proper care of her. It blew up into a massive row with everyone in the family getting involved telling me i was being too ott about my daughter I felt pressured and let her hold DD next minute I heard fil scream at mil ran into kitchen and she had DD in one arm while pulling food straight out of oven when my fil came in my DD had been just about to grab the oven luckiky she didn't. I just knew something like that would happen and felt sick that I'd let her hold my DD.

I immediately left the house my mil told my dh she couldn't wait until he snapped and divorced me. Another row with dh followed and we've been been NC ish since. We have since gone on to have another DD that they have only seen a picture of.

The problem we have is my dh adores his brothers and sister but they are now all refusing to speak to him until he makes up with his parents. Everyone in his family know how they have behaved but think we should just back down and move on as 'thats just how they are they will never change' Everyone his brothers sister aunties uncles cousins etc are not speaking to him. No one has even congratulated us on our new DD in case it offends his parents. His parents have texts to say they don't want to see the kids or me but want to see my dh and my dh is appalled by this so he won't reply to them. However theyve told everyone else we are refusing to let them see our dds.

I'm the baddy out of all of this apparently when even my pil say I've been nothing but nice to them they just don't like me.

I don't know what to do I know my dh wants to see his brothers and sister but not his parents but they won't budge.

Do I just accept this situation? I personally don't feel able to see my pil as its just so disteessing and I cannot send my children to see them without me there too look out for them. Which is fine anyway apparently as they don't want to see us. Should I be the better person and force my husband to go even though he doesn't want to because he says they have been disrespecful to his family. its easy to say nc but everyday this situation is on my mind. i dont want my dh to ignore them and regret it if anything happens to them. sorry this post is like war and peace.

Mishap Mon 24-Feb-14 18:16:00

Whew! - I feel exhausted! How are pil with your husband's siblings?

harrigran Mon 24-Feb-14 18:26:27

I think some situations can not be resolved and this sounds like one of them. If it was my DH I would tell him to visit his siblings and perhaps his parents if he wanted to, but I would not put myself in the firing line. Good luck they sound real charmers hmm

ineedsensibleanswersplease Mon 24-Feb-14 18:28:11

im be honest theres always a drama they just seem to row constantly i think its shocked everyone this fall out has lasted so long. im just not used to so much drama it makes me feel sick when they all start

thatbags Mon 24-Feb-14 18:36:47

I'd let my husband decide for himself. Whether he visits members of his family is not your problem. I think you are wise to avoid situations that stress you out so much.

rosesarered Mon 24-Feb-14 18:49:42

What an awful situation.Yes, it is up to your husband if he wants to visit but will he really, if his parents are just going to say bad things about you? My DH would probably cut all contact with them, but everyone is different.Would a meeting between you, your DH and P-I-L [nobody else] help at all, where you can all say your piece and somehow resolve this, or are they just too awful even for that?

sunseeker Mon 24-Feb-14 18:49:42

Your first responsibility is the safety of your children and you, quite rightly, don't feel happy with them being in the company of your pil. As harrigran has suggested perhaps your DH could visit his brothers and sister and try to explain your concerns, that may at least get them on your side and you and DH could socialise with them and he could visit his parents alone if that is what he wishes. Good luck

Dragonfly1 Mon 24-Feb-14 19:52:33

I reckon you'd be wise to stand back and let him decide what he should do, and just back him up in his decision, and support him through any consequences. Best not to force any issue, you could end up getting the blame if it goes pear-shaped. Good luck.

Grannyknot Mon 24-Feb-14 20:10:01

harrigran and others have the measure of it. I'd let them get on with it, and focus on my own life. Most definitely, I would not get drawn into this dysfunctional whirl.

My in-law siblings are forever rowing (there are 6 of them). They've learnt now to not even report to me with the latest update, because I just do not get involved, I never take sides, and I have a courteous relationship with all of them and a close(r) relationship with some of them.

Penstemmon Mon 24-Feb-14 20:20:59

I think that your DH has decisions to make. You need to reassure him that you love him and do not want to prevent him seeing his siblings so if he feels he needs /wantsto see them, even in the company of his parents, you would not stop him or want him to feel disloyal to you by doing so. But as thatbags says it must be his choice.

You need to build a strong & happy life for you, your DH and children. If you have parents/siblings try & plan social times with them so the children, and your DH, experience a positive family time. The fact that your DH visits his family occasionally should not intrude too much into your nuclear family.

It will be hard not to resent the pils and their undermining of you and your marriage but if you want a happy nuclear family that is what you will have to do.

I would also advise some couple counselling to help you both manage this unhappy situation.

ineedsensibleanswersplease Tue 25-Feb-14 16:37:10

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.

I think my dh thinks if he just ignores the situation long enough it will disappear as this seems to be what he is doing. I do think he is genuinely scared of his parents as well which doesnt help. He says he doesnt want to speak to them again because of how they have treated us but i do think if thats the case he should put them out of their misery and message them just to say he loves them but doesnt feel able to meet with them or talk to them at this time i just feel like its a bit mean to just leave them hanging. I know they have.done bad things but i know they love my dh too and its on my mind everyday so i know they must wake up everyday and wonder if they will hear from him which is really sad.

I just read all the posts on here about parents who dont have contact with their children and think maybe he should try and maintain any kind of relationship with them even just aa phone call every couple of months ive tried to get that across to him but he says if he starts to phone them they will pressure him into visits.

I know if im being realistic i doubt me and our daughters will ever see them on a one to one again but i think my husband has the responsibility to either maintain some sort of contact or put them out of their misery and tell them they wont hear from him for a while.

I think its difficult as i have a totally different relationship with my parents i couldnt imagine not speaking to them but then again they wouldnt have.ever done the things pil.have done.

I do keep asking him to resolve the situation one way or another as kinda in limbo and to be honest the longer this goes on the more likely i think they are just to turn up at the door which worries me. Also we live about 2 hours away from the village we grew up in but still have loads of friends there who we cant go and visit anymore as its a small village and we will most likely bump into his parents which will then just blow up into a scream fest in the street.

Sorry ive waffled again just wish my dh would do something one way or another.

cathybee Tue 25-Feb-14 16:42:32

Wow!! That's quite heavy stuff going on.

The old saying comes to mind ..You can not choose your family..

The bad news..Families can be horrible, I have experienced it myself in my own family, people not talking to each other for one reason or another, It happens all of the time to all kinds of families, and un-fortunately you are going to need to accept that this is the lot that you have been handed--or chose--which ever way you want to put it, although to be fair you probably would not have chosen his family, just himsmile.

The Good news..You have the best part of that mad crazy family, their son. And you now have your own lovely little family, your children are all happy and healthy and you sound like a loving caring Mother and your DH also sounds very much in your corner and puts his immediate family first, and you can not ask for more than that from him.

I guess you have two choices

A..You could dwell on the negatives in your life and let them make you un happy
B..You just get on with enjoying your own DH and children and forget all about DH's family and if anyone wishes to get back in contact with your DH I am sure they know were his is, its no good chasing them, they don't sound worth the chase to me, they have made it clear who they wish to agree with, so why waist your precious time on them.

Life goes by so quickly I think most Grans would agree, and it is too short to be wasting on all the negativity that DH family are bringing. smile

ineedsensibleanswersplease Tue 25-Feb-14 16:46:45

You are all right though i should leave it to him i just know if i do he will lose touch with his entire family simply because he's too intimidated to talk to them or his siblings. I could scream at him for being so passive about this but it is ultimately his choice.

ineedsensibleanswersplease Tue 25-Feb-14 16:51:35

Sorry cathy x post.

Yeah i never though of it the way you say his family know where he is im expecting me husband to resolve the whole situation when his family have all stopped speaking to him.

I think im just projecting how i would feel if i lost touch with my family on him but i suppose i have a very different family and a very different upbringing so i cant really compare

janerowena Tue 25-Feb-14 16:56:37

How very sad - but yes, it happens. Your OH is right, these things do blow over, my own mother is pretty appalling and I have left three years between contact sometimes, two years quite frequently. She is truly dreadful to one of my sisters. Some parents think they own their children and expect total obedience from them. I expect your OH's siblings are just glad they aren't you, but don't want to rock the boat. My ex-MiL used to 'kidnap' my daughter occasionally, but at least I was able in the end to make her understand that she wouldn't get away with it, and in the end I loved her very much. When Ex told her that we were getting married, she first accused me of being pregnant, then told me that he was only wanting to marry me because my father had lots of money, so I would never have thought in a million years that i would miss her a lot more than I miss her son!

Get your OH to send them cards, not phone them. Perfectly normal, loving cards, as if nothing had happened. Find some nice new friends for your OH.

cathybee Tue 25-Feb-14 17:09:04

It is very kind of you to care so much smile and Lucky that your parents are not so confrontational.

cathybee Tue 25-Feb-14 17:10:19

At least your children do have one set of grandparents that they can visitsmile

Gally Tue 25-Feb-14 18:23:04

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, what a dreadful state of affairs. You have done your utmost to be a good DiL, a good, kind and caring wife and a brilliant Mum. I would just step back and let them get on with it and put some space between you, the children and them for everyone's sake. I am sure your DH knows where his true allegiance lies and eventually it seems he will have to make a choice, however hard that might be. My own DD has similar but not so desperate problems with her inlaws; she keeps her distance each time there is a flare up and eventually they see reason and gradually become bearable again, but it's hard work teetering on the edge all the time. I doubt it, but I hope they will see sense and accept you as they bloomin' well should. flowers