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To expect my adult children to save a little money

(19 Posts)
Mumcooper59 Sun 04-May-14 13:09:49

My daughter has recently inherited a reasonable amount of money from my father and yet again has blown the lot! Am I being unreasonable to expect her to save a little for emergencies etc. she
and her husband always have new phones,games consoles,iPads , expensive birthday parties for the kids, etc but cannot one afford to visit her grandmother with the children in York which she would love. She has 3 young children and I know times are hard but she never saves a penny so it is always a crisis when the car needs fixing,washing machine breaks down etc. I help out with clothes, toys ,child care but am getting irritated with their obsession with gadgets . Am I being unreasonable to expect her and her husband to try to budget a little and see that family visits are more important than the newest phone?

janeainsworth Sun 04-May-14 13:21:37

Mumcooper59 You are not really helping, by helping her out, are you?
You're giving her permission, in fact, to spend her money on gadgets.
If you didn't help with toys, clothes, childcare etc, she would have to spend her money on that instead of the gadgets.

As for the family visits, perhaps she's more constrained by time than money. Can't you take the grandmother to visit your daughter?

Mumcooper59 Sun 04-May-14 13:45:48

Sadly mother in law is caring for husband with dementia so won't leave him and she lives 300 miles awY so not a day trip. Just feels like she spends money like water and neither of them very responsible ( due to past problems do not have credit cards but that is a good thing !) I am not mean with money but always have a little rainy day fund.

janeainsworth Sun 04-May-14 14:01:00

That's difficult Mumcooper. Would your MiL not consider respite care so she could get away for a couple of days?
I still don't think I would give your DD money in those circumstances. Sometimes things have to be learned the hard way.sad

mcem Sun 04-May-14 14:15:10

Mumcooper I sympathise. Have often helped out with clothes etc for the GC's but do resent the fact that DD's priorities are very different. Ideas on cutting back may be discussed but will never include switching to more basic phone/tv packages to save a few pounds a month! Plus, is it necessary that monthly grocery deliveries often include DVD's and games? I know I need to be firmer!

Charleygirl Sun 04-May-14 14:52:00

I would not be helping out financially if that is the way they spend/waste their money. I am afraid that I would leave them to get on with it. They have to learn the hard way.

Moocow Sun 04-May-14 14:57:06

mumcooper59 YANBU in your expectations. Try looking at it this way - YABU helping them to continue their spending habits because as long as you are there for the extra help YOU are their savings account. Therefore they are not having to make any additional savings as in their minds what you want to spend your own money on is them whenever they need you to. Be kind now, let them learn to cope now because one day (in the distant future hopefully), they will have to cope , and the longer they don't have to, the harder such a time will be for them.

Aka Sun 04-May-14 14:57:50

I agree it's infuriating. I'd be tempted to cut back on buying toys and clothes, as Jane suggested, perhaps dropping a hint that you are having to watch your own spending.
Re visiting her grandmother....could there perhaps be a family holiday arranged close to York so you could all visit? I once hired a lovely country cottage there very reasonably.

ninathenana Sun 04-May-14 15:17:04

I hold up my hand. I could have written the OP. Except it is SiL and bloody car parts angry that causes their problems. Only yesterday I bought new school shoes as DGS needed trainers (literally falling apart) too and DD couldn't afford both.

She tries her best to budget, and I only buy necessities but I feel sorry for her putting up with him !!

annodomini Sun 04-May-14 16:32:26

Mumcooper59, how old are these adult children? You might consider initiating a system of loans instead of constantly bailing them out. I have given mine loans - interest free of course - and they have never failed to repay them by standing order. When they were much younger and getting established in jobs and studies, that was the time when they had some financial support, but once they had careers and partners, they didn't need and didn't ask for extra help.

ninathenana Sun 04-May-14 17:11:43

anno I have twice 'loaned' my DD and SiL deposit etc. For rented accommodation. I'm still waiting for my first payment sad
I can't see DD and DGC homeless, as for SiL hmm

numberplease Sun 04-May-14 22:44:53

Four of our kids have been reasonably OK with money, but one son has never had any to spare. He`s 44 now, married for the second time, 3 children, grown up and almost grown up, he`s always saying he`s got no money, can`t afford to pay this or that bill, but he and his wife both smoke, constantly, and always have the latest mobile phones, plus she`s just exchanged her old banger for a quite swish car in comparison, and they`re off to Turkey on holiday next month. Yet they were here one afternoon last week, and he said he was starving, hadn`t eaten yet that day! And is constantly borrowing money.

sunseeker Mon 05-May-14 09:32:54

My sister in law - in her 80s - is constantly baling out her two grown children. One, unmarried, lives round the corner and is content for her to call in a couple of times a week to clean, do his washing and stock the fridge. Her daughter, married with 2 small children, expects her to look after the children who are under 5 while she goes to work. On the days my sister in law looks after them she also stocks the fridge, cleans the house and does the ironing. She is worn to a frazzle and is usually in bed by 7.30 pm as she is so exhausted and has no social life. Even when she goes on holiday she usually pays for her daughter and family to come with her, but when they go away they go alone and leave the children with her. I have tried to tell her to do less but she says they would not manage without her.

J52 Mon 05-May-14 10:14:37

There's a lot to be said for 'look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves'! Repeat to offspring from the age of 4! Seriously, I would back off, unless thing are serious. Prioritising need and spending is a lesson we have all had to learn. X

Mumcooper59 Mon 05-May-14 12:28:18

Thanks every one for your comments much appreciated. I have two daughters but
LIke chalk and cheese other one careful with money the other spends like water I know there has to be a middle ground! Maybe I should try being abit reckless with money and get the spender to bail me out !!!!

janeainsworth Mon 05-May-14 18:10:32

mumcooper if you have another daughter who isn't getting financial support from you then I think that's all the more reason to cut back your support for the profligate one. The careful one would have to be a saint not to feel even small twinges of resentment, and who knows, might need your help one day.

apricot Mon 05-May-14 18:43:40

I don't expect my grown up children to consult me when spending their money. Their lifestyles are nothing to do with me. If one of them needed help in an emergency I'd help, if I could, but I'd expect to be repaid.

FlicketyB Mon 05-May-14 19:25:16

Right from the moment my DC had bank accounts I made it clear that they had to manage their money responsibly. Like most teenagers they got into fiscal messes. I would help but only with a loan and stringent repayment conditions. They got the message. Now I do give them money now and again and they know that in an emergency we will always help, but they prefer to stand on their own feet and both manage their money.

Some people are just naturally spendthrifts, and one of my DC's is much more careful with money than the other, but both have developed habits that keep them clear of debt but one is much more cautious with money than the other.

Penstemmon Mon 05-May-14 19:52:31

I have 2 DDs, both sensible with money and I have sometimes offered to help out financially when I know there is a bit of a crisis.. e.g the boiler needed replacing just after Christmas. We also helped DD1 with a small amount of money to enable her and hubby to buy their first home. I also sometimes offer to buy shoes/coats for the DGCs. But it is always me offering and not them even hinting. It gives me pleasure and I am in the fortunate position to be able to do so. If they kept asking for,or came to rely on my help because of careless budgeting I would be very disappointed.