Gransnet forums


Daughter and mother in law not getting on

(8 Posts)
Poppyfields60 Thu 12-Jun-14 21:12:53

My daughter has been with her partner, now husband, for seven years and they have two small children. The 'other' grandparents are nice and we all get on well. BUT the 'other' granny criticises my daughter and says quite unpleasant things to her out of her son's hearing. My daughter has reached the end and now refuses to go to any of the 'other' family gatherings and I am unsure as to what to do. Have tried talking to my daughter about sitting down with 'other' granny and talking about it....this she refuses to do as she tells me she has tried so hard but has been disliked since day one.
Her husband is caught in the middle and when he tackles his mother she cries on him and he backs down. She has never apologised to my daughter for anything she has said to her and the situation is now very difficult for us all.

Any suggestions on the way forward?

RedheadedMommy Fri 13-Jun-14 10:23:57

Are you my mom? grin

Its really down to her husband im afraid. He needs to stick up for your DD.
Her 'crying' is guilting him into not confronting the issue. She knows what she's doing.

Ive been where your DD is and its an awful place.

Tell her to talk to her husband and explain how its making her feel. They are a team and atm he's stood by and watching his wife being slated and bullied.

KatyK Fri 13-Jun-14 13:00:10

My daughter has been in a similar situation. My son in law's family ruined their wedding. They said they weren't included in the wedding preparations (I tried my best to include them in it all, reminding my daughter and son in law not to forget to include his mum). It was only a small wedding but none of them spoke to my family at the reception and we didn't have a clue why. Apart from the fact that they felt excluded, they had listened to gossip and tittle-tattle about our daughter and had decided that she wasn't suitable for their son. (We get on very well with our son in law). SIL's parents stopped speaking to SIL and my daughter after the wedding. They went round to find out why and there was a big row, with SIL's mum having a real 'go' at my DD.
DD stood up for herself and all sorts went on. My DD and SIL now have a daughter of their own, who is lovely and well cared for. My daughter's mother in law has long since apologised to her, saying that she was wrong about her and telling her that her daughter is a credit to her and they now get on very well. My daughter has helped them in lots of ways and they realise they were wrong. I hope the situation improves poppyfields.

Mishap Fri 13-Jun-14 13:02:16

I wonder what is making the woman behave in such an unacceptable way. Even though your son has confronted her, presumably she carries on doing it. It is hard to know why that might be. Do you have any idea?

My advice would be to stay well out of it! - apart from providing support to your DD of course.

This really is something the couple need to sort out and the fewer people involved the better. But I would be seething and finding it very hard to bite my tongue!

FlicketyB Fri 13-Jun-14 15:15:06

Her nose is out of joint as she is no longer the centre of her son's life.

Poppyfields60 Fri 13-Jun-14 15:38:11

Thank you so much for all the input....... I am very distressed about it all as it leaves us in a very difficult position as the 'other' granny is always so charming to us!!
I do believe my son in law needs to 'grow a pair' and tackle his mother and not give way to her crying!
I agree that her nose has been put out of joint as she can no longer 'control' her son.
She still expects, apart from the two days a week she cares for the grandchildren to help them out, ( I have been unwell for four years and could not although we do all the babysitting for them) to have 'family' days every four weeks where they are expected to arrive after breakfast and stay until the children's bath time!!! They also have to go over if relatives visit etc etc so she is used to having her way and her son doing her bidding!!

My daughter and son in law both work full time so I believe week-ends are 'their family' time and we do not expect or insist on seeing them although I desperately miss seeing my lovely two grandchildren. I wait until we are asked......

It is hard to see my daughter being treated in this way as she is a very loving person and she and her husband are very much a united and happy couple but this is causing problems as you can imagine.

I do not want to get involved but just cannot go on watching this happen particularly after 'other' granny sent me a text a few weeks ago telling me she was not being a particularly ' good mother in law at the moment' !!!

rosesarered Fri 13-Jun-14 15:52:50

The least said the better in all these situations.DIL and MIL are both difficult roles to fill. DIL is always secretly jealous of all the years her DH had with his Mother and MIL finds it hard to let go.As time goes on, DIL finds it easier, she has had years with her DH and doesn't feel resentful anymore and MIL has learned to let the boy go.It's a learning curve.

rosequartz Fri 13-Jun-14 22:11:15

I will echo what Flickety said.

One of my DDs has had this problem, added to which her FIL has also been absolutely vile to her. Jealousy is at the root of it.

It has taken many years and SIL actually overhearing them being nasty to DD before he stuck up for her and things are slightly better now.
We stayed out of it, just providing support and a sympathetic ear for DD when things became very upsetting (which was often). It is very difficult to stay out of it when you witness it yourself but probably best in the long-term.