Eloethan, as always a thoughtful and dignified post based on personal experience and careful response to the issues.
It's hard for those of us who have not stood in your shoes to imagine the pain and hurt that those behaviours and comments cause.
And while it's true that there are phrases and epithets that were once common and were used because they were common parlance, there is absolutely no reason or excuse whatsoever for them to be used today. Thankfully, through the efforts of many, we are all better informed, hopefully a great deal more careful of the language we use and more sensitive about the possibility of causing hurt.
Challenging opinions robustly - or even rudely - is one thing. Using language which mocks the intrinsic nature of another person, be it gender, colour of skin, ethnic background or disability is quite another.