Family Mediator

Tegan I've never had to mediate really but I am a 'sounding board' for all and sundry. I have become the sort of person who people ring up with their troubles, reel them off and never ask about me (not most of my family I hasten to add, although one or two do). Sometimes I feel like screaming out 'I HAVE A LIFE TOO AND SOMETIMES IT'S HORRIBLE, ASK ME IF I'M OK!!' I am also always the one who organises family get-togethers, no one else ever does. Sometimes I feel like saying 'what about someone else doing it for a change' but they never would and we wouldn't meet up even on the couple of occasions in the year that we do now. Like ga says, life is too short to lose touch. Hey ho.

NanKate I think to a large extent all women [mothers, especially] become mediators.I try to do what whenim64 does, and be unavailable for heart to hearts with family members.If I can't avoid it I encourage them to speak to each other. Sibling rivalry doesn't end when they grow up.Best to stay out of things, or they say to each other 'Mum says... blah blah' and then you're the bad guy!Like most of you, I have had enough of that in the past, they have been turfed out of the nest long enough to sort things out themselves.

Fortunately (with the exception of my estranged daughter who has no contact with anyone in the family) my children all get on very well. My brothers and sisters did have a tendency to have massive feuds with each other in the past, but since a shocking family bereavement a few years back they have decided that life is too short and unpredictable to be out of touch with one another.

No never been needed to mediate. My youngest is 42 now and if they can't sort themselves out ... too bad.

At work I was always the "peacemaker" and it could be a bit wearing, there was also the danger that the both of those arguing could turn on me! Since DH died I seem to have become "agony aunt" for his family! I just listen and sympathise but don't try to offer solutions.

Unavailability does work, NanKate. A family feud was averted between my two sons last year when I 'disappeared' and they had no choice but to talk to each other about a family arrangement. They're forever rubbing each other up the wrong way! Testosterone!

The one and only time when I hit a bumpy patch with my GD1's crazy mother, DS2, who is a fantastic negotiator, smoothed things out and all was sweetness and light. I count myself as a very lucky mum and gran.

Gagagran that must be awful for you.

My sister lives abroad which suits me fine as she causes me such hassle at times, however on occasions we do have a good laugh together.

WhemIm64 I like you idea of being unavailable. I think I shall retire to my boudoir and put a 'Do not disturb' notice on my door.

Oh I am sorry to hear that Tegan. Yes families can be problematic and because I like a quiet, non confrontational life, I try to do a lot of smoothing out.

I really feel for you being pig in the middle, particularly when everyone wants you to side with them.

So*** families that's what I say.

Oh dear; I don't want to go into details but at the moment my head is hurting with family conflicts [albeit small ones, but lots of them] that I can't ignore because I'm pig in the middle of most of them. Mainly a stepfamily issue with one child being treated differently to another [which you can't do in families]. In fact, I'm not sleeping very well because of it, either. Thinking about resorting to Plan B which is to find a cave and become a hermit....

Yes!Yes!Yes! NanKate. For years I have had to act as mediator between my two older sisters, who have a love-hate relationship and both have used me to pour out their irritation, frustration and sometimes real dislike for each other.

I too got fed up with it and finally snapped and told the oldest sister (the most vitriolic one) that I was no longer going to be piggy in the middle so
that if she starts even to mention sister no 2 I now just say "Mm" and change the subject. It makes communication very difficult at times but I think they are both realising, slowly, that I just want to be friends with both and they must sort their differences out themselves.

Good luck - I hope you can do the same!

Me too, NanKate but much less these days. Now my children are all in their thirties, they can sort things out themselves. I've been on the receiving end of a few rants about various family members who aren't doing what others want, but as they've realised I won't be running off to sort it out they've started to say 'I know it's not your problem, but.....' and will use me as a sounding board whilst they work out whether they will do something about it themselves.

One thing I found helped - when I knew trouble was brewing, I made myself a bit 'unavailable' - it's amazing what can change in the course of a few hours whilst I've ignored the phone!