to think there is such a thing as society?

I really liked this article - which is sort of about society....
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/18/solidarity-pride-film-british-tradition

I know my neighbours well enough to chat if we meet up, we take in each others post etc, but none of us socialise with each other. We'e a disparate group politically, age wise and if we weren't neighbours, I don't expect we'd be a natural friendship group. It's good to know though, that there's always a friendly greeting when working in the front garden.

I have commented on other threads the way in the past much of people's social life was lived on the street.

My DPiL, lived in the same small town/large village all their lives as did generations of their families before them. When we walked to the shops they knew everybody and progress was slow because we stopped to chat to every single person, but only family and one very close friend ever came into the house. Even they would call in just for coffee and never stayed for a meal. Every one knew the rules and, again when we visited we always called inoin family, but I can never remember having a meal with any of them.

As for people's inappropriate behaviour after a death, a close friend was widowed earlier this year. She is only in her early 60s. Within days she was being asked if she was going to sell the family home, 'it will be too big for you now', the car, 'You wont want that estate car now your husband is gone' and one even suggested she might want to move into the retirement flat her 85 year old father had just vacated to go into care!

It is just in this area that I have the problem really. I had my own flat in this area many years ago and it was awful. The only thing was that it was close to my parents.
I had one man at my own flat who thought a widow who had just lost all her male relatives was in need of his attentions! I dont like him or his wife who may or may not be involved in the suggestive conduct. The other neighbours at my flat have all asked if I would go back. A top flat is not the best place for an oldie otherwise I would.
I have lived in many other areas and I still meet up with the daughter of a neighbour from a flat I lived in from 1974 to 1978. I have facebook contact with people from an area 300 miles from here.
I am wary of people now. I dont want to talk in case I am taken the wrong way. If anything happens to me the house will go to one or other of my daughters so I dont see what they can gain. Maybe they are just weird. Maybe as you said my quietness is taken as weird. Perhaps they dont have the patience to wait and see when if ever the house comes up for sale or rent.
Thank you for you thoughts on this situation.
Sugarpufffairy

It sounds to me like extremely bad luck in neighbours, that will probably not be repeated elsewhere. It could be that your quietness and normality sparks their curiosity. But asking about the house withing hours of your bereavement is disgusting.

Leave and get yourself a nice place in a better neighbourhood. You can always make subtle enquiries about what an area is like, before you buy.

I wish you all the best.

I am living in the family home which my parents moved to in mid 1950s. Although I have lived in lots of other places this seems to be the most difficult place. I have been a very regular person in the area even after I got married and moved a few miles away. In those days I visited my parent about twice a week. Latterly I was in the house on a daily basis if I was not actually sleeping over because of elderly/health problems.
Within hours of the death of my last parent I had people asking what I was doing with the house. I have lived alone here for 2 years. I speak to no-one. When family or friends visit they are watched. When I go in or out I am watched. When I have a workman at the house this is big news. One neighbour (male) who normally never talks to me questioned every thing that had happened in my life recently, such as he knew my kids have all got cars now, my ex husband had called round in a car, that there had been a man call on me carrying flowers, he wanted to know why I did not use the garage, which bedroom did I sleep in and the usual what are you doing with the house? This is the father of a Hospital Doctor. On the other side I have a nurse. She saw marks where I was going to have a driveway. She and her mother in law also a nurse took to parking right up to these lines. This nurse's sister supposed to be a Social Worker, came out to my daughter's car. I was in the car with my daughter and two grandchildren aged 4 and 6 months. I am a disabled pensioner and my daughter had just had major surgery. This woman demanded to know if I had been waving at her and I had better not be.
I dont know what these people are thinking. Did they ever entertain hopes that my late father would leave them the house. Or perhaps they had an eye on the house for relatives of their own. I dont know what excuses for humanity they are but this is not my way of conducting myself but maybe that is the difference. I have never associated with such difficult people.
I do not believe there is any society nowadays. I want to move and have the ability to get another house but I am terrified of getting any more neighbours like this street.
As a result of their conduct towards me I am looking for the most obnoxious tenants I can find!
Sugarpufffairy

When my siblings and I where younger I can't remember anyone calling into our house to visit mum or dad without an invitation,but they where very well known in the area and spoke to all the neighbours,mum used to say that dad didn't like neighbours in the home which I thought strange.
We have lived in just one area where the neighbours where very unfriendly and we sold up after 18mths and moved further into the village where to difference was amazing people where very friendly and always asked how the children where.
Now living in Supported Housing our neighbours are generally 20yrs older than us I am classed as the baby on the Vale because I am early 60s they are friendly and I go out of my way to see them as often as I can without being intrusive.I'll knock with that bit of extra soup or stew I have made just to make sure they have someone to chat to as some of their families don't bother it seems out of sight out of mind,which is very sad really.

I have moved around a lot and lived all over the UK in all sorts of houses and flats over the years. I have always made lots of friends. My daughter says that as people always seem to approach me on station platforms and bus queues and in supermarkets, I must just have 'that sort of face'. Am still trying to find out what she meant by that.

However, I have discovered that, like another poster, the north-west was the area least likely to invite you to their home. Home is for family and not for socialising, especially among the older generation. Very friendly, but you are more likely to meet up out of the house by appointment rather than have them pop round for a coffee.

I prior to moving into a Anchor Home, lived in a Housing Association Flat for 18 years plus, a change with the person who moved in above me, thought he ruled the roost not wanting the Housing Association to find out what he was getting up to.
Found he had been inside for murder, and tried to dictate to me what to do as if he ran the close where I lived.
Was only to glad to move, have lived in Anchor home for nearly 12 months and happier for it.
Mick

etheltbags1 Tell someone.

DD lives in an ex council house. Next door is still a council house and when the elderly neighbour living there moved to sheltered housing it was given to a single mother with children and an on/off boyfriend. After a few months she began to not use the house and it was being left empty and neglected.

One day when DD was in the garden and someone clearly official knocked on the non-existent neighbour's door, DD looked up and said. 'Nobody has been living there for months, I think they may have moved out'.

Within a week the girl and her children had moved back in and Social Services started visiting regularly. DD was actually much happier when they weren't there but also resented paying taxes etc to pay the rent on a property that wasn't being occupied. Like you she felt if one family didn't want to live there is should be allocated to someone else

Having recently moved to a flat in a largish block I was very surprised (but happy) when an apparently extremely elderly lady asked in a quavery voice if she could help me with my many bags of shopping. It was so kind of her but I couldn't dream of letting her carry up any of my bags as I reckoned she would end up pinned to the ground by the sheer weight! Turns out that most of our neighbours are just as friendly and recently held a party in the lobby area for us all to meet up and chat. I should say that its not special housing for the elderly and I`m very much the "new girl"! People seem to have moved here and just stayed. Think I will too! I`d be happy to get involved and help out in any way I could.

Summed up perfectly Bags. Someone once said to me that you have to go out and meet the world half-way as it won't beat a path to your door. That is so true of you want to feel included in things.

We've moved to completely new areas, where we knew no-one outside family, twice in the last 11 years and each time we have both gone and joined things that interest us. In my case WI and a choir and in DH's case a cycling club. New friends grow from acquaintances and we have made many.

My sister is not a joiner of things but she is happy in her home following her craft hobbies and keeping in touch with her large family. That's fine too. I agree that it's down to personality and whether you want to make the effort needed to join things.

In short, if you get out and do stuff you'll feel part of a community, or several communities. If you do nothing but go to work, come home and stay put with your head down (which is fine if that's what you want), feeling part of a community might not come so easily.

Except nowadays, of course, there are online communities, like this one.

I don't think it matters where you live. If you are a friendly, out-going, joining-in person, you will make friends and feel part of whatever community you find yourself in. You find out what's happening, what makes the place where you live "tick" and you join groups and societies, you get involved. It's that simple. If you'd rather not, then you don't. Not everyone is a joiner-in but there's nothing wrong with that either.

I think personality is the key here, less so background or education.

I think growth in population the age of the computer and related off shoots like mobiles have killed everything.
Its who do you trust, you have teenagers growing into adults where its all demand and you cannot tell us what to do attitude.
Allot maybe background, upbringing and education which society acts to today.
Mixing socially is dying out , which help with things such as jobs etc.
Mick

I was not suggesting intrusion! That is a different thing..insensitive overstay of welcome or barging into someone's life when not wanted!

I lived in London most of my life and at different times /places have felt very much part of a community but in our last house, on a busy road, other than very immediate neighbours, really knew very few people..certainly not anyone to socialise with.

My Dad used to make us laugh - he was in a sheltered bungalow and when Mum died some of the neighbours used to call in - just to see he was OK and to pass the time of day with him. He was very puzzled indeed by this and used to say:"What do they want? Why does he/she ask me how you children are? Why would they need to know that?" - oh Dad!! he sort of missed then point a bit!

its not just a case of reaping what you sow. I have had people infer that I should mind my own business if I asked them how they were. Many older people want privacy and resent someone pushing their nose in even though they may be well meant. I don't mind helping neighbours, I looked after one for 20 years, keeping his key, feeding his pets when he was in hospital, giving him a xmas dinner and sharing my baking for which he was always very polite and appreciative. I find that most people just like to mind their own business. Also as ive said before its ok to have neighbours in for coffee as long as they don't stay all day, as someone did with me and I couldn't get my housework done, so there are plusses and minuses for this argument. One of my recent neighbours summed it up,' I keep myself to myself but Im happy to help anyone but they must ask.'

I live in east London and have done so for 26 years. It is a very diverse community - my direct neighbours are of Pakistani origin on one side and Scottish and Peruvian on the other. We all get along well and, although we are not in and out of each other's houses and we don't usually socialise - apart from the odd wedding anniversary celebration or other special occasion, or a passing chat in the garden - we try and look out for each other. Because it is a fairly "settled" neighbourhood where houses rarely come up for sale, many of the residents have lived here for quite a long time. I think that helps create a feeling of belonging.

We live in a long road and obviously don't know many of the people living further up the road, though some we will chat to. I often think it would be nice to start a residents association so that we would be more aware of those - like the elderly - who might need a bit of help. But, like everyone else, we are pretty busy with child care and other family responsibilities and I don't think I have the time or energy to organise such a venture.

Londoners have a reputation for being unfriendly but I have not found that to be true.

When we lived in West Sussex many years ago, we had lots of friends and people popping in and out of the house every day. It was very nice at the time but I'm not sure I'd be so keen now. My son and his partner moved to the same area a couple of years ago but couldn't settle at all. In fact, they sold up and moved back here. I don't know if the town has changed or if they just couldn't adapt to the slightly parochial small-town atmosphere.

The most unfriendly area I have lived in was the north west. Our neighbours on one side were pleasant and friendly but those on the other kept themselves to themselves. We only knew two or three other families in our road and didn't socialise with them. I always remember a woman and her family who lived two doors away from us. She had lived there for several years and her neighbours were an elderly couple who they'd known for quite some time. One day, my neighbour told me that she'd heard that the elderly man had died suddenly several days previously. I asked how his wife was coping and she said she didn't know, she hadn't been round to see her. That seemed typical of the neighbourhood and I found it quite depressing.

We live on a long road and so don't know all the residents but

I ask the question because I am a natural 'joiner' . I wish I was religious because I would have a ready made community to be part of! I set up a WI when I moved here and have met people that way. I do some volunteering locally too. Our house is set back from the road so do not have direct neighbours, or see any one passing the house. I know people who live nearby etc. and I also meant society to be some of the things absent spoke about.
Also I meant that feeling of having a shared responsibility for the good of 'the whole'. I was brought up to believe that caring for others in need, whoever they were, was what you did. In a way a very Christian perspective and as UK is nominally Christian it should perhaps be a British value ..'Who is my neighbour?

I think it depends on your outlook - you reap what you sow, if you are friendly and hel[ful, you will receive the same back- occasionally people have taken the proverbial, but that's their problem, not mine, and I wouldn't let it stop me helping people that need it.

I have an ex council house and most are rented where I live, the neighbours never speak apart from the immediate left of my house, the one on the right is a single parent-no disrespect but she gets the house rent free and probably council tax free but lives somewhere else with a boyfriend. The house is deserted for months on end, I get angry because a young couple could have that house. So although she is friendly I hardly see her. The rest of the community are either working or retired and have their own lives, I too lived on a private estate and would not have dreamed of bothering neighbours other than to say 'good morning' or 'hello'. That is the way of life today, frankly I hated having neighbours sitting In my house all day as they used to do when I was first married and owned a terraced house with all young mums around me. I felt like they would never go home and used to make excuses to get them out.
sorry if you think Im unfriendly

Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold. I am now in the happy position of having them all around me after having a very unpleasant family next door for a few years. Being in the middle and with this lovely weather we have had some great impromptu afternoon tea parties, pimms etc in my garden and the kids go from one garden to the other as they wish.

People are friendly in this small town too, and it's always fun in the summer saying hallo to visitors and seeing them smile at being welcomed. To some of them it obviously comes as a surprise to be spoken to by a stranger, which is a bit sad.

Anyone who was in Glasgow over the Commonwealth Games must have got used to being spoken to by strangers!

I am just reading The Moneyless Man by Mark Boyle; and he has a great deal to say about this. He identifies the use (and worship) of money as one of the reasons that society functions in a less communal and more insular way.

It is a book worth reading if only for its very simple explanation (one paragraph) of the banking system and how it functions on "pretend" money.

I am very privileged to live in a tiny rural community on the Welsh border where neighbours really are neighbours.