The dreaded retirement

It's being able to choose what you do and when you do it that is the greatest pleasure, and knowing you can do nothing if you want to!

My whole working life was run by timetables (teaching / leadership in a big comprehensive school) so the freedom that I have these days is wonderful.

I love it!
I took up running as I retired and have done a half marathon.
I do several volunteering things that are very active. The U3A have lots of groups. There is also time to see friends, have hobbies, read etc. Best of all go on holiday or out for the day when it is quiet.
The main difficulty is that a lot of things clash.
If you are fed up I would start by volunteering- it keeps you busy, uses your brain and you meet people.

My husband and I are nowhere near retirement yet but I can honestly say the thought of spending guilt free time together as a couple with no distractions when we do eventually retire fills me with joy. I feel people are far too preoccupied with this notion of having to be occupied in order to be happy without being bored. Living in the hear and now with trips away together,visiting places we've never had time to visit, or simply cuddling up on the sofa whenever we feel like it is more than enough for me. We will simply do things together,museums,art galleries, spa days,concerts,cinema,to name but a few and I can't wait :-)

My wife and I are both 63. She retired 10 years ago due to ill health while I retired just over 5 years ago (actually I had retirement thrust upon me as my job had disappeared and making me redundant at 58 would not have been politically acceptable).

We have developed hobbies that suit us both. We have had a caravan since the mid-Eighties, but now we have the time to use it to its full potential. 4, or 5, or 6 weeks in France every Summer. A couple of weeks in Scotland in the Autumn. We have become very interested in geocaching and that provides us with a reason to go wherever else the mood takes us.

And when we can't be bothered to get the caravan out, or we just fancy 1 or 2 days away, we find a hotel somewhere within a couple of hours' drive and we book ourselves in for one cheap night. Most of the chains (Premier Inn, Holiday Inn Express, etc) have odd nights midweek for less than £30 - the trick is to find them. But if you are not bothered about WHERE you go, there are plenty to be had.

Jenn that's exactly how I feel! Student life without the dissertations and deadlines.

I retired from teaching 3 years ago and I love being retired.
It takes time to adjust and it still feels odd not to have the stress and joys of work but it's great to get up when you want eat when you want and choose how to spend your day.
I live alone but have a couple of dogs and a horse (,which my son calls my 'therapy') so a walk with the dogs,a swim then a trip to the stables for a ride out and my day is filled. Housework tends to be on the minimum side and I'm so pleased if someone comes to stay as that makes me do a proper clean!!It feels a bit like my student days but with my choice of reading and no papers to write.

Volunteer - it's a brilliant way to make new friends!

Join the WI custard! Great way to make new friends and enjoy the various activities most WIs run. There is an annual membership fee though.

Or if you can sing a bit - or even if you can't - join a community choir. I did both these things when we moved to a new area in 2012 and now can never go out without bumping into someone I know!

You are not just there to serve as your DH's security blanket - you matter too and it's good to come back home to chat about the things you have seen and done and the people you have met. Keeps the conversation interesting. Good luck!

I suspect we both need some retraining! :-) I've been thinking more about these issues this morning and have realised I need to look at new things to do. My old pastimes were active which is a bit of a problem now and I did quite expensive things too like classes and doing college courses. I've done the free online courses since we retired but, of course, they're not social. Money is quite an issue so I need to find free/cheap ways of making new friends locally. And then I'm going to have to sometimes go out without him and not listen to the hurt whimperings!! Thanks for the assorted advice, I feel more positive now and shall attempt some small changes today! :-)

custard I think you will need to start small if you are used to putting your OH's needs before your own. Arrange to meet a friend for coffee or go to a shop you like and tell him in a matter of fact way that you are going. Don't give him too much notice but just do it. Think up some excuse if necessary for why he can't come with you - you're expecting a parcel to be delivered and need him to be there to take it in for you (order something off the Internet, good excuse for a treat), or your friend has a tricky problem she wants to discuss with you and it's a bit sensitive. Then just go and do NOT feel guilty. You are an individual and you have every right to act as one. I think your OH just needs some retraining

custardcream the slippery slope is what worries me a bit. I don't have any worries about OH. He literally cant stand doing nothing. He has several jobs/hobbies which keep him occupied ++. Our worst time is the Christmas hols. If he has nothing to do he just falls asleep!! Its quite funny actually. For myself, as I approach retirement (fast) its a funny feeling. Its almost like being young again (as if!) however, I`ll be using the bus again, joining new groups and activities and meeting new people. It really does feel like the time when I was a student daft though it may sound. Maybe I`m a born again adolescent. I take elegran`s point. I expect that I`ll just try some of the new things I`m signed up for and if they`re not for me then so be it. Its not the end of the world. In another thread someone said how great it is to be paid not to work. After so many years in full time work I`m all for that. Sorry rambling..........

Ginny, it certainly wasn't a case of deliberately giving up friends etc, more a gradual slippery slide. He retired and I was very poorly for a year which put paid to some of my more active pastimes. He also tends to follow me around everywhere which put some of my girlfriends off and he gets very hurt if I say I'd like to go out without him. Perhaps I've put his needs before mine for too long but now I'm not sure how to get my life back on track. Think it's easy to get lethargic after spending so long at home, it's become my comfort zone as well as his but he's happy with that and I'm not!

custardcream Have you given up all your interests and friends ? If he is happy doing nothing then let him but make it clear that you are not. It won't help either of you if you are bored and resentfull.

I don't think I have a problem of feeling bored. However being around OH all day is wearing. I need to get peace and quiet. I have never felt like Volunteering though. I do two evening choir's. A lunch time knit and laugh raucously session. I would like to get out more to visit places but Oh takes so long to get up and about the day is half done before he stops faffing about while getting ready. Its not a physical disability just slightly OCD about the way he does things.

Tegran, please don't tar all men with the same brush. I do all I can to encourage my wife to have a life away from me, she has several interests that do not appeal to me ( I do show interest, but do not wish to participate). Likewise she encourages me to get out with my interests. I don't think their is anything singular about me, many of our friends have varied interests.
Next week my wife is out 3 days with her activities, had I been more mobile, I would have accompanied her one day. I have a friend coming over on one of those days so we can talk blokey stuff without being sent to the shed.

Why do men seem to have such a problem with having their own company and have such an ability to make women feel guilty for wanting to do things without them? They seem to create 'comfort zones' around themselves.

Hi, I'm new here and this thread really resonates with me. I adore my husband but since he retired, life seems to have gone flat. He doesn't want to do a lot except garden and read and I seem to have gone from a contented housewife with lots of friends and places to go, to someone who sits around waiting for something to happen and it never does. He doesn't like being left alone so I feel guilty if I go out without him but then he never wants to go anywhere different either, just to the local shops or garden center. He also won't consider moving house to be near our kids which I'd love to do. He seems happy and content but just seems to have developed pudding like (and somewhat stubborn) qualities in his advancing years! Like the OP, I find life has become very flat and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don`t feel at all guilty about reading a book in the daytime, or watching TV, that`s if there`s anything worth watching. I`m the only one round here who does anything, so I think I deserve to slack off when I feel like it.

Good for you Grannyknot, respect!

jam I think nothing of spending hours in my bed reading - in the daytime! I was absorbed in a book recently, husband went off to work, I mumbled a goodbye and a 'thanks for the tea and toast', and the next thing I knew it wad 11:30 a.m. I slack off so much on some days, that I scurry to tidy up before husband gets home.

Mamie I agree with your post too, especially the last sentence. Last year when I spent that month in Spain, on my own a lot of the time, I learnt how to just be.

I think I am conditioned to keep busy or my mother will shout at me!

I'm not Catholic now kity - so is it that old work ethic then?

I'm not catholic jam and I would feel awful reading a book during the day and even worse if I watched TV.

Mamie I completely recognise what you are saying, and agree with you wholeheartedly. Being comfortable in your own skin and with your own time is a skill not all of us achieve. Maybe it is that work ethic driving us on that is at the heart of it. I still find it difficult to sit and read a book in the daytime without feeling a sense of guilt despite being retired - and pleasing oneself, well, my Catholic upbringing just wouldn't allow it!

Good post Elegran.
I did find retirement hard at first and actually found the helpful "you won't know how you found the time to work" comments quite irritating. I had worked since the children were tiny, travelled a lot and worked long hours in a demanding and stressful job.
We moved from the busy south of England to deepest rural France where absolutely nothing happens in winter. We had lots of building and gardening work (still do) but the bit of me that was used to planning, organising and delivering major projects was left a bit adrift. I soon came to realise that the ex-pat circuit was not for me and although I now have good French friends in the village, it took time for those relationships to develop. I taught part-time in French schools for a bit, served on the local council and had a few private pupils, but I gradually came to resent the need to be in the same place at the same time each week.
After nearly ten years I have learnt to develop something I never had before which is the ability to be content within myself, to watch the seasons change, to spend time doing nothing very much. I spend the majority of my time growing, cooking and preserving food, reading and getting exercise in the beautiful countryside round here. We have a couple of holidays a year and visit our children in the UK and Spain.
OH has never struggled at all with retirement; I did, but I think I have found my equilibrium now.
I think what I am trying to say is that contentment doesn't always have to come from outside activities and "busyness".