My brother lives abroad. The last time he visited my mother was two years ago. My mother had been diagnosed with dementia and we had been going through the process of getting her on to the right level of medication to help her. The week before he came I had been through hell with her as, in the nurses words, the increased dose had overstimulated her brain - nice words for a very difficult experience.
My brother speaks to my mother once a week, very late on a Sunday, because of the cost of the phone call. I have 24/7 care for her although I only spend 2 days at her house. I have the support of my daughter who is local (and incredible) and my son, who although he is abroad too will talk me through difficult bits and do all he can, from a distance, to help. My brother rings me at Christmas and the New Year and sends lovely presents. In the view of my children and his "he just doesn't get it".
When my brother came last time he turned all our regular help for Mum on it's head. I tried to explain that she needed routine etc., and I tried to explain about the dementia. His answer was that if she forgot things he could give her joggers to remind her (unkind!). He also said that moving the appointments and our routine was because it was about Mum not him or me. He seemed to view Mum's needs as to be to see him as much as possible while he was here.
He is a bright guy, a professor at a university, and I do understand that he may prefer to ignore mums growing fragility and the dementia (it's her 94th birthday he is coming for by the way) but my level of anxiety (I didn't have one of these when I was young ) is rapidly climbing and the anticipation of the visit is spoiling the anticipation of my son and his families visit a Christmas. I know I am allowing that to happen but don't know how to find a path to deal with this.
Help, kind gransnetters, would be much appreciated.
Gracesgran Fri 17-Oct-14 08:38:22
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