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Who is coming to Christmas Dinner

(9 Posts)
Sugarpufffairy Sun 21-Dec-14 23:34:13

I am sure that I am not the only one who has problems with the issue of some grandparents demanding the presence of the children and grand children every year. I had it myself for a few years when I was a mum of two children. It was one of the reasons I dumped that husband. His family were full of what if it is their last Christmas!
Now I have two grown up children and 5 grandchildren. The two eldest grandchildren lived with their father's mother for years at the request (demand) of SW. Currently the eldest is in Emergency Foster Care due to violent outbursts. The half siblings of those children live with the parent and new partner who are their birth parents. For the last 7 years my entire family have heard nothing but his family. His family apparently take priority according to him. My child does not get how sidlined they are or how much danger they are in of losing their own relatives and identity. As the reason for the older two children being forced to live with the other grandmother I have to wonder if my elder child (adult) is again under the influence of a bullying and manipulative partner. It is a worry. I have tried to talk to my child about this but no matter what they are not getting the picture from any other view than that of the partner.
My other child has a partner who does not do Christmas. This is not religeous, it is because his family are so "different" that there was never a birthday party or family visits. This partner does not eat normal food. Just cheap banal food like chicken nuggets or sausages both from the cheapest ranges. This was their family way of life. This child has invited the father mentioned above as having the parents who constantly demanded/threatened to die to ensure that we spent Christmas with them more than 20 years ago. He is now playing the same game.
The first mentioned couple have children aged 5 and 2, the second couple have a child aged 5. The oldest two children are now living apart from each other and apart from me and my relatives. We have never seen them since 2008. I saw them once on Christmas day for a few minutes before they went to the other grandmother in 2004. The second family, the 5 and 2 years old I saw on Christmas day last year for the first time.
The single 5 year old I have never seen on Christmas, the grandfather who caused so much harm and never paid CSA has demanded his wishes are met. Just like his parents over 20 years ago.
I have bought all the children certain good items for Christmas this year. The reason being that I hope they will remember me. I am not spending my life competing with all comers for time with my grandchildren. I will walk away and give up trying to be in their lives. I have seen the damage done to one grandchild. I saw a picture of that child a few months ago and I felt scared. It was to be later that I found out about the violent conduct.
I think the children like me. They all seem happy to see me and there was recently a comment made when one child found out that I was a multiple gran and not just gran to that child. I dont think the children themselves would chose to lose me. It should not come to it. I feel that I should not have to fight. I will leave instructions for the children to be told the reasons for my absence, it is not from choice it is from a refusal to have to fight to see them and a refusal to be sidelined.
I took a stand against my mother in law and her family to ensure that my parents were involved at Christmas and I think my children should do likewise.
Am I unreasonable? Or worse acting like a spoilt brat!

amarmai Thu 25-Dec-14 15:56:30

nu - playing favourites is not uncommon.Can hope that it becomes clear to all as the pattern emerges. In my case it is my s-in-l's brothers and their families who assume precedence. I aso choose not to enter into a battle - as it would put pressure on my dd.

janerowena Thu 25-Dec-14 16:39:36

I have two Christmasses, it's far easier. I have had DD messaging me all day saying she can't wait to get here to have her 'proper' Christmas, but they live a distance away and it's easier to keep vast piles of toys down there. I don't mind actually. It made me a bit irritated at first, but we have just as good a time when they do get here - this coming Sunday, this year.

Sugarpufffairy Fri 26-Dec-14 02:43:59

Well it all panned out just as expected. DD1 and her family went to his parents yet again. DD2 had invited her and family to her house, she was rejected too. I was at DD2 house, my ex husband, DD2's father from some 20+ years ago was also there. We managed just fine. I, for one, will never want to have DD1 and her family for Christmas dinner. DD2 is only young and this was the first time she hosted Christmas. She is quite outspoken and she was not pleased with DD1. Ex was not pleased with DD1. She has made her bed. It was not my choice. I am not prepared to be treated like this for the rest of my life.
Really had to laugh, as she has been without her elder two children for many years she put a post on "Faceache" about how awful it is to be without her children and how parental allienation is child abuse and yet she does the same to me and our family year after year. This could be elder abuse as I am a disabled pensioner.
I enjoyed my day with DD2 and even the ex was pleasant company which sometimes seems strange in the circumstances.
Hope others had a good day

FarNorth Fri 26-Dec-14 13:52:15

It's not worth holding grudges over - that'll only hurt yourself. Glad you had a good day anyway.

goldengirl Fri 26-Dec-14 15:07:34

DS and family came for lunch and DD and family came for tea. They crossed over for a couple of hours and it all worked well - thankfully - and everyone seemed to have a good time. Still haven't got round to vaccing the bomb site yet - just DH and me chilling out today - so far

Mishap Fri 26-Dec-14 18:18:32

Christmas is sometimes difficult for our children, particularly if more than one set of parents live locally - they could finish up like the Vicar of Dibley and eat several Christmas lunches. Perhaps better not to see it as a rejection, but just a situation where it is very difficult to do the right thing.

I am glad that you had a good day with other members of the family. Hang on to that; and hope that DD1 also had a good time in her own way.

kittylester Sat 27-Dec-14 08:19:04

DS2 never comes to us on Christmas Day! It is his partner's brother's birthday and she and her children have always spent the day with him, his family and her parents. Now DS goes there too! That's just the way it is and there are 364 other days to see him.

Sugarpufffairy Mon 29-Dec-14 22:36:28

Thank you for your comments.
I have actually done the eating of two Christmas Dinners. It was not a good outcome as I was pregnant at that time too.
Obviously there is more to what is happening than just Christmas dinner. It was the culmination of years of him pushing his family foremost with total disregard to my family. He thinks nothing of demanding that as we all have cars he gets the services of the cars. He had tried to get money out of older and disabled family members. The guy is a moocher but even worms turn. We have endured it for years in order to have some contact with our female relative and the grand- children but the day is done now.
There is absolutely no reason why MUM should be treated as MUG.