Grandma wants to be Mum

I agree that your mil's behaviour is a bit odd. On the one hand, when she visits you she could be taking your dd out for granny time but isn't taking advantage of the opportunity - where she would be responsible.
And yet on the other is suggesting that your dd could live with her.

In a previous post in this thread I mentioned about how my son is up front about what is suitable/convenient and that I go along with the flow. This is an example of his forthrightness.

I have just finished a telephone conversation with him.... I rang him (very long distance international call). I just had a need to hear his voice. (By way of explanation ds and I lived for 22 years with my psychotic schizophrenic DH until I took ds and myself away, before we ended also ended up with health issues from the stress)

It is now 4am here in UK and he is 8 hours behind us i.e. 8pm his time. Ds answered, happy to hear from me, baby under his arm getting baby settled. I asked are you ok to chat, up to your eyes ?? Ds says I'm settling XXXXX but I'm grand for a few minutes. We happily chatted for a few minutes (10). Then Ds said.... Hey Mum, I'm going to have to go now, things to do. I says... no bother.... ...
We both say---- we'll chat/skype soon.

The point I'm making is...... DS speaks up, no offence is meant or taken.
If he speaks up then I know that if I ring and it's not suitable, he will say so. If I'd like a longer chat then it is pre-arranged

Now.... we are not like the perfect Waltons, we can each irritate the other..... and we know this. If on occasion I have (rarely cos I'm careful) overstepped the mark I am told ---- back off a bit Mum or, Why would you need to know......
My response is usually.... 'OK, point taken'...... or because I'm a nosey Mum - point still taken".

Veexox if your mil has any sense at all she will conform to a friendly family discussion with regard to establighing ground rules.

Angiebaby. I dont expect to be given advice when I haven't specifically asked for it my parents don't do it. I'm sure when you were first childrearing did your MIL/Mother stick her nose in constantly? We as new parents need to be able to make our own choices/mistakes DD is loved very much just because we raise our children differently doesnt make it wrong. I've never denied access/visits to MIL but we need our own life as well I don't need to let her stay over 5 days a month with constant access to her but I know she loves her. I was brought up thinking to respect elders but maybe we do need to tell her to butt out a little,

I find her behaviour annoying at times I dont want to have to entertain her constantly while my DH is at work if she wanted to take dd out for a couple of hours while she was here I would be okay with that. She wont take her out on her own yet she says my childrearing is rubbish, me and DH let her have her for the weekend as she was pestering us she had her for one night then took her back early the next morning obviously she couldnt cope but pretends she can and dd should live with her. then she follows me and dd round all day and wont go out anywhere shopping/activities or walking with FIL (FIL has aspergers so doesnt understand conflict etc) . She has to be near DD but she wont take her anywhere without me if you get what I mean but if I'm there she criticises my parenting. If I go meet a friend with DD she will sulk and when I get back my house has been rearranged.
Just seems odd behaviour imo.

probably hen pecked, scared to speak up

With a bit of luck your MiL might even be one of us here on gransnet!

She might even see your post. Its a good job we don't use our own names on here isn't it.

I wonder if it has ever happened on here, for someone to read a post and recognise it as their own situation?

Maybe forward this link to her, then she would see how wrong she is??

In any case we are united in agreeing that she is completely out of order. What is her husbands position in all of this? Can he get a word in edgeways? Could he be approached?

we all must keep our feelings under control,,,say nothing,,,as much as we want to,,,,be there for them,,,dont give advice unless asked,,as they always know best,,,,,they dont think we have been through all that they are going through,,,,,been there got the t shirt so to speak, be there when asked,,,,,,,a million grandparents have brocken hearts,,,,,but we will survive,,,bless you all,,,,my heart has been brocken many times,,,,,but i must stand up grit my teeth and just enjoy it when i see my kids and grandkids......conveiniant to them of course,,,,,,,,,, !!!!!!!!!!!

Ive just had my friend to visit, in floods of tears because her DD has forbidden her to see DGD again, the xmas presents have been given back, baby clothes returned. It was so sad, another sad Christmas for someone I know.
However with a bit of subtle questioning I found out my friend is trying to interfere and has said some tactless things about her late husband, and I know from experience that when a parent dies they become a saint, no matter what they were like in real life. I have given her a lecture saying the sort of things you have been all saying, telling her to back off a bit, not to make comments and above all not to say anything about the late father to her DD.
My friend sounds just like veexox's mother in law.
We have a new role to play when we become grannies and its a supporting role unless we need to step in in the event of illness etc.
As women its our nature to interfere but we must use common sense, my mother always interfered and we never stopped her and hence we had little private life so I know what its like.
Hope you get it sorted veexox

Some assertiveness classes for you perhaps?

You have my sympathy, veexox. Your MiL needs to back off and you probably need to tell her. Four or five days a month is too much even if you loved her company. Good luck!

My MiL conveniently forgot I was a qualified nurse too and was treating DH with rest and plenty of fluids when he had a rotten cold. She appeared at our house with half a pharmacy of useless remedies as she knew better than me how to treat a cold and I hadn't a clue what I was doing.

veexox - you must stand your ground. My son went through a similar situation when my granddaughter was born, his partner's mother took over and made him feel very superfluous and undermined, a feeling that stayed with him for quite a while and he has had words with her as a consequence. He does capitulate to his partner a bit too often, mainly for a quiet life.

Reading your post made me feel angry on your behalf as you are clearly going through the same sort of thing. Like your parents we actually live fairly near, about 5 miles away, whilst the maternal grandparents are at least 70 miles away, but guess who see gc the most, and if she isn't with them every other week-end and for up to a couple of weeks at a time in the holidays, maternal grandmother is also is skyping her daily. Annoyingly the couple of times we have taken gd away, (with her parents) maternal gm was on the phone daily requesting a conversation at 5 pm, gd was about a year and 2 and a half respectively on these occasions, therefore her conversational skills were quite limited and she would either be asleep or absorbed in what ever she was doing at the time and not interested in being dragged to the phone, so it became quite a nuisance.

I don't understand these women who become grandmothers and then want to take over, there's something quite smothering about it. We have all had our stab at being a mother and should stand back and enjoy the role of grandparent and be happy in that supporting role.

I think you are going to have to tell her how you feel even if you risk upsetting her, she is undermining your position as the mother and clearly making you stressed and unhappy. Good luck.

veexox -I don't reckon it matters how capable you or your DH are.
Your mil has a problem and doesn't know or isn't aware of 'boundaries'.
I'd speak up before it blows up !!

Just my thoughts - but I'd try and deal with it in a controlled situation because if it all blows up and the c**p hits the fan, then all sorts of things may be said that cannot be unsaid.

And you are likely to feel better once it is aired, one way or the other.
Rather than it eating away at you.

I only Skype at a prearranged time - actually, I turn on the Skype and ds Skypes me (in and around the prearranged time) because dgs may not be in best form/tired/sleeping/ when the actual clock/time strikes.

As someone previously said - turn off the Skype.
If mil texts and asks you to Skype just say, not possible at present (and add a smiley to soften it .

Yes we aren't on drugs benefit's and we rarely drink oh has a good job on a very good wage and I'm a qualified nurse don't understand her problem sometimes

Is it only me who's alarmed at this mother in law's desire to parent her grandchild?
She's said things like can DD live with her she can look after her.
That does not sound to me as though this grandmother wants to be helpful, she's indicating that she actually wants to take over the rearing of the child and implying in a very obvious way that she thinks the child is not currently being well looked after. I can't get my head around a grandmother actually asking a mother if the grandchild can go and live with her unless there was serious cause for concern.

Sorry veexox should have said welcome to GN and you have my sympathy

There is no pleasant way to say this......

Reading this and some of the other posts here I'm glad in a way that MiL passed away before DC were born. I have a feeling she would have behaved similarly.

It's all been said. You must unite to sort this out before she pushes an irreversible wedge between you and your DH. Can your FiL help? How do you get on with him and he her?

Wise words from all the Grans here. Hopefully you will be able to talk through this with a peaceful outcome. You may, in years to come look back with some amusement.

My Mil, 40 years ago, took a magnifying glass and paint scraper and scraped off all the tiny paint spots on our wooden doors. There was no row about it because I was speechless!

Good luck. x

I think I've got it right when I say I see what is happening here.

Could it be that you stole her precious boy as I did when DH and I got married? Over 40 years on and she still can't accept that we are happily married, and the fact that we were capable of running our home and raising our family.

Time for your DH to tell her that there are boundaries and make it clear to her she is not in fact entitled to have any say regarding his family.

It's also time she respected your position in her son's life and realises she can't live her life through your and DH's family.

When she comes to your home, she is a guest, she is not your mother, or your baby's mother.

I think one of the problems could be that your own parents live just 10 mins away. I think your MiL is so afraid of being sidelined she's not going to give an inch and will carry on in her domineering way.

As others have said, you have to talk this over with your DH because she will eventually drive a wedge between you if you don't act.

Four/five days a week is far too long. Much as I loved visiting my DGCs when they were small (they live three hours away) a regular lengthy stay would have had us all at eachother's throats.

Coolgran 65, couldn't have said it better.

Veexox- it's funny (not to you, sorry, I know) but only today I posted about the fact we, the grand-mothers and mothers in law, spend a lot of time here complaining about our own parents, who are now very old (mine are no longer with us) and that the next generation complains about us- forgetting they will, sooner then they think, become the new grand-mothers and mothers-in-law- and maybe not so perfect either (said with humour not criticism- hope you realise).

Due to distance, my parents had to come for 2 weeks at a time- we got on so well, but there was a lot of tongue biting on both sides- same now with our DDs and grandchildren- of course.

Bonne chance.

My ds lives 6000 miles distant. Skype about once every 10 days. Dgs is 16 months. We visited for two weeks and all went ok. We smiled a lot and kept our opinions to ourselves. Ddil was very generous in sharing dgs. Was happy to let us take dgs out and she and ds used the time to get things done. They have no family nearby.
We were a bit nervous at first, our first visit.
They live a pretty green and organic lifestyle.
We got instructions.....as if we had never had our own children. We smiled and said..of course.

Ds has no difficulty telling me what way they do things....
And we agree that their way......is their way.
I am very glad that ds speaks very directly, the air is clear.
No one falls out. Though many a time I bite my tongue I must do so because
It's their life.
We know where we are.
Your mil wouldn't last 5 minutes with my son and his wife.

I'd suggest you and DH decide what you want. Then speak face to face with mil and fil. On the lines of........

...this is how we'd like to raise dd and how we'd like things to be in our home when you visit. I'm sure you'd agree all young parents have their own wishes and ways. We want your visits to be happy for everyone and we're sure we can work things out. You probably felt the same etc etc............

Would they do the talk calmly.
I haven't put this very well but you get the gist.

You have got to talk this through!

You could be describing my mother, who arrived with her own rubber gloves and dusters, and cleaned, ironed, washed, and left me feeling totally inadequate when DD was born. "You haven't got time to clean behind the cooker / bleach the dishcloths" etc.That is 50 years ago - I was 19, an only child, and from a family that talked about nothing. It was, I see now, a complete take over bid. But she may not have seen this, of course...

The thng is, it sounds so wonderful and helpful, but it was too much!

My heart goes out to you, and my advice is to do something now. Hugs, by the way!

MIL is totally out of order imo. Doesn't she realise it's hard work having people come to stay when you have young children?

I suggest you talk to your OH about your feelings and try to agree some common ground. Perhaps once you have agreed he could talk to his parents about any decisions you have made. I'm not surprised you are feeling under pressure. My MIL (years ago) always made me feel as if I didn't know what I was doing and I used to feel totally inadequate - fortunately we moved with my husbands job and I didn't see her so frequently.
My daughter has just had twins (two weeks ago) and as I am the nearest Grandparent it is so, so tempting to go to visit frequently and interfere. I'm doing my best not too!
My ex-husbands OH sounds a bit like your MIL. They came to visit and she couldn't sit still, trying to 'help' by cleaning etc. Apparently it was really unsettling - my SIL said, she was trying too hard. Perhaps you MIL is doing her best not to be nuisance and is therefore trying to do everything 'to help'. I'm not surprised you feel put upon but I suspect she is interfering without meaning any offense.
A united front and communication (for me) would be the way forward to resolve the problem before it becomes a bigger issue. Good luck

Like rubysong we live 100 miles away, go up early and get back before bedtime, also Skype probably once a fortnight, sometimes more often, and it seems to suit everyone well.
If we go and stay it is never more than a couple of nights.