Grandma wants to be Mum

Poor girl!

Yes, it has just about all been said by the very wise contributors on this site but I wondered about a few further points:
it is your husband, home and baby (perhaps not in that order!); your MIL is probably jealous/lonely/feeling marginalised (probably enhanced by suspecting your own mother is with the baby all the time. Your MIL's physical distance may be distorting facts) however she is also devoid of love and empathy for her family to put you in this situation.

Enlisting fire-proof support from your husband, ensuring he won't crumble under pressure from his mother, is the first thing to do.

If that is in place, could you suggest that he sends these comments on to his mother? Or perhaps leave them laying around on this open page during a visit (which, incidentally is twice as long as should be, for both parties... as has been written, people are like fish!). When your MIL is in your home she is welcome to do tasks as requested by you. Otherwise she is a guest and should relax as such.

Whatever you both decide to do, it is your MIL (unless there are facts we are not aware of) that needs to make major changes if she wants to keep a relationship with your growing family.

What is your FIL's role here? Does he acquiesce to his wife's every whim? If so, your MIL is just a control freak and it wouldn't matter whose home she was in - she would be the same character, so don't take it too much to heart. Perhaps enlisting his support, by having him take your MIL out for a few hours a day during a visit could help a little?

Stand firm (oh dear! Our Skype has broken.....we'll have it fixed 'soon'........) and tell your MIL that although you do love and care about her, she is risking a fractured relationship with part of her family. She may hope that your son will 'take her side' if push came to shove in an argument, hence your talking the whole situation through with your husband, making him understand quite how sad (and cross!) you feel.

I wouldn't offer to make separate food for her. Tell her your suggested menu and ask if she'd like to change anything. If she makes a suggestion you are happy with, then fine. If she says what you have suggested is okay, then also fine. And expect her to eat what she is given.
Stop humouring your MiL's little whims and make her be an adult.

5 days a month is tooooooo long. I feel for you. I can cope with my parents visiting for no longer than 4 days every few months. Since we do child care for one set of grandchildren, having great grandparents stay for longer is stressful. Now, when we go to see our other children and grandchildren, about every 2-3 months, we stay in a hotel.
I'll offer to help if they are busy doing something: washing up, loading the dishwasher, hanging out the washing, doing ironing, but if I've been invited to visit, then I don't rush in.
My MIL ALWAYS hoovered or polished when she came, even though I'd cleaned the way you do before an in-laws visit, saying she just liked to keep busy, but she didn't interfere with my child rearing so I decided to let her get on with it, even hopefully leaving the odd basket of ironing around.
Perhaps you could take the reins by mentioning that you'd noticed she likes to keep busy while she's there, so could she . . .
Suggest she might like to play with her grandchild in the garden, or with a favourite toy or change a nappy or whatever - If you are making the suggestion you will feel more in control.
With regard to the food, could you tell her your week's menu and ask her what she'd like you to get in for HER meals if she'd like something else and offer to get it while you're doing your shopping.
For me the most important thing to discuss with your DH is how it makes you feel and the possibility of spacing the visits less frequently.

Maybe you could approach this from your daughter's point of view, ie I can imagine that it is a bit disruptive to her routine to have them coming over and changing all the rules. As your daughter approaches the 'terrible twos' she needs a routine and a consistent approach to how things are managed. You could say their constant visits are unsettling and you would like them to keep their distance for a while to settle her into a proper routine and then see how it goes from there. When things have settled down again maybe invite them for a meal in a pub/restaurant (maybe meet them halfway?) and make it clear they are not invited to stay over. Or you could cook something for their arrival and have it all ready if this is too expensive.

With regard to the Skype your OH needs to suggest that every day is a bit excessive, maybe cut it down to once a month with a visit in between when you start again . We live abroad and Skype our son once a month if we are lucky!

Oh margaret your much nicer than me. I kick my husband very hard

Its hard to marry a favourite son or an only son as their mothers are in love with them and they are then taken away by someone they could never approve of. The DIL has to stand up for herself if no one else will do it.veevox You have nothing to lose now and you have had a lot of good advice from GNetters.

So many of us have had MILs who we didn't get on with. There is a generation gap which has to be overcome and I am convinced it is the older person ( more mature and wiser) who should take over the main job of keeping the relationship going.
When DD1 was in Catholic Kindergarten here in Germany the nuns always drew a finger over their lips to note: Keep the mouth zipped shut! and the children had to practice this for a few minutes.
When my Gcs were born DH and I used this finger sign to warn each other to keep quiet. Not that I never say anything. If something really bothers me I choose my time and put it across as 'just an observation.....
If you have anything to say to your MIL then choose a quiet time and say it in a nice voice but be firm.

veexox I also remember your post of nearly a year ago and feel so sorry that you still have such a stressful problem,your MIL sounds as though she will not let the apron strings be broken at all and wants to be involved with everything you and your OH do regarding your little one.
Under no circumstances would I have her staying with you, she should when invited stay at a B&B or Hotel for a couple of nights not move herself into your home.
Does your mum visit when your MIL stays or does she tend to stay away,it would be good to hear what your mum thinks of the situation but I think you OH has to stand up to his mum and tell her that you both feel she has to stop this behaviour,it will certainly upset her but she needs to realise this child is yours and yours alone,best of luck sweetie I hope your OH can find the right time to tell her some home truths & to respect your rolls as parents.

Just wanting to add to the general view expressed that your MIL is way out of order and you shouldn't have to put up with that level of interference in your life. How often was she in contact before you had a GC? I wondered if she was ever present in her son's life?

Your post made me think of a friend who doesn't have grandchildren yet. However she does have two step children and two daughters, the latter are in their early twenties, the former a little older. Friend is someone who has devoted her life to her family, she has few friends and a little part time work in her husband's consultancy but her life revolves around the family and always has - 24/7. The step children have moved to other countries (surprise, surprise), now that her daughters are in a nearby major city, she takes every (and I mean every) opportunity to go and see them and phones them or expects them to phone her every day. Recently one of the step children caused an awful ruckus about her childhood, I mustn't say too much in a public forum but what the SD said was a description of someone overbearingly interfering and manipulative. The SM, my friend, is very well meaning in her concern about the children, but I suddenly saw something I'd never seen before though I had noticed and sometimes been irritated by her desire to analyse and explain the behaviour of everyone in the family in every possible situation. I think my friend may well, with the very best of intentions, become like your MIL once GC arrive and she is desperate for that to happen.

Words like over-controlling come to mind, what I see in my friend is anxiety, depression, the need to be needed in the face of emptiness in life now that the children have grown. Is this helpful? I don't know, I hope so, I don't think the way your MIL is behaving is normal but she'll probably never be able to hear that. I would say she does need help and so do you to keep her at arm's length!!

I know it's hard veexox to stand up for yourself. The person I found the most interfering and critical was one of my older sisters. She was a nightmare and had no children when my first two were born. She once told my two year old she spoke too much. Another time two of my sisters stormed out of a restaurant because they didn't like the way my 14 month old daughter ate. DD was sitting quietly in a high chair eating finger food. I have no contact with them now but I put up with a lot when I was your age. I wish I cut most of my family out of my life from the time my first child was born. Some people are strange and they don't become nicer, they usually become worse as they get older IMO.

veexox - welcome to Grans net. I think it's great that you came here for advice and help.

I had experiences like yours over 40 years ago but it was my mum who was bossy and critical. I used to almost beg my husband to say something to her but he never would - she could be quite scary.

If this is MILs first grandchild she is probably having "first grandchild syndrome" as I call it. The new baby brings all those maternal feelings surging back in the grannies.

I think I'm quite a thoughtful and careful person but when my first grandchild was born I had to resist the urge to offer advice and try to take over.

It didn't happen with the second grandchild or the third one.

Your MIL should be more self aware. She does sound quite needy as well. So if you do have a word with her be as kind as you can. It will all calm down in time.

Why does she have to stay with you at all?
Explain that you are finding it a bit claustrophobic (or however you want to express it) having your PiLs to stay so much and that you think you would all get on much better if they stay in a hotel or self-catering, when they visit you.
At least then she wouldn't be around you 24hrs a day.

Also ask her to cut down on the skyping to, maybe, once a week. If she won't do that then switch it off & ignore texts, even change your phone number if necessary, as others have said.

Your DH needs to be 'on your side' and should not accept his mother criticising you. You both need to discuss the situation so that you will be united in how you will deal with your MiL.

Hello again veexox! I remember you posting a year ago about how unbearable you were finding it living with your in-laws with your (then) 6 month old baby. You were talking then about moving a distance away so I assume you were successful,but then the next problem- meddling MIL again!
Maybe she is trying to be helpful, but with help like hers who needs hindrances? You and your DH do have to spell it out, this is your home and much as you like her to vist (!) you would prefer her to respect that. If not, then day visits but no overnight stays or you will take your child to visit her when you can manage.But that won't be as often or for long.
Your home, your rules.

Keep her busy. If she won't eat the food you cook ask her to cook for every one,every night while she visits. No visits longer than three days(fish and visitors stink after three days is a golden rule) change your Skype name and don't tell.put your phone on divert for her number . I've been an unwelcome MIL to my SIL unless my DD wants lengthy childcare and I have learnt the hard way with many bitter tears on the way. It has worked as they requested to spend Xmas with us,have given us extravagantly generous presents and freely admit it when their children say they prefer Grandpa's company on holiday and Grandma's cooking .all mainly due to listening to Gransnetters and close reading of the MIL threads on Mumsnet. Get your Mil to join either of these if not both.

The other side of the coin is the MIL that I had.

She had no time for our son and daughter, never ask them to stay over or take them out anywhere. Had no interest in them whatever.

When my mother died we were staggered when she offered to have the children while we went to the funeral.
I rang the day before the funeral to tell her the time we would bring the children down and to our shock she said " Oh sorry I'm taking N & J to the circus so can't."

The light of her life was her daughters children who she couldn't do enough for.

* I wonder what she was like when he was growing up is he in awe of her?*

Has he ever stood up to her? I wonder if he has always done as he was told for an easy life? The key is getting your DH to take it seriously and lay down some boundaries.
If he won't you can do some things yourself-some of it is easy enough-e.g. the food-discuss the menu first and agree it and then tell her she is not cooking her own! Switch off Skype. Keep one step ahead.

I don't think it's the actual giving of advice, it's more how it's given. Some of us I imagine have become very adept at slipping in the odd word of wisdom without it registering as 'advice' or dealing with a situation, perhaps by distraction, which helps show another way to deal with children.

Though I agree best kept to a minimum.

One golden rule for grandparents: never give advice unless it is asked for. Make friends with your DiL and behave in her home as you would in a valued friend's house, unless your help is specifically requested. Your MiL is way out of order, veevox, and her son, your OH, is the one who needs to raise this with her. I wonder what she was like when he was growing up - is he in awe of her?

veexox why on earth did you allow your MIL stay four to five days a month every month. You knew what she was like from living at her house previously. Also you don't have to let her Skype very week, just don't answer, if you speak to her later, tell her it was inconvenient. You can turn your phones off.

Her behaviour is overbearing but you are letting her carry on. You will have to tell her yourself, your husband isn't going to, so if you want it to stop, tell her. Also tell her to stop putting you down.

My MIL was spiteful and my husband warned me about her. Even my SILs said she was difficult. One time she was running me down to DH and he said, "she is my wife," that stopped the criticising but another time she was very rude to me so I cut all contact for a year. There is no law that says you have to put up with odd people, so don't.

Sit down with your OH and decide how much of her you can cope with - offer her that and no more. Be prepared for a bit of flack but stick to your guns.

Ps he may not believe you unless he hears her himself.
Believe me, I know and do sympathise as someone in my family had similar problems with both PIL.

veexox I had a feeling of deja vu when I read this thread and realised that you had posted about your MIL dilemma a year ago.

I am sorry to hear that you are still having problems. You really have to have a serious talk with your DH and get him to see what is going on, either to tell his mother to stop criticising and taking over or to severely curtail her visits.

Rubylady has made some very good points. My own MiL was the same, her marriage wasn't too good at the time so she was a bit lost I think. Although she lived close by so never stayed over the 'advise' and 'help' was overpowering. I had PND and she meant it for the best but she just made me feel worse and the rift got so bad it ended with an enormous row and we didn't see them for several years.

Do sit down together and talk it through before it gets too far.

Good luck

Could it also be linked to FIL having Aspergers too, where often there is little affection ( DD had a boyfriend with it, they lived with us for several months and so I do have some experience of observing the behaviours) demonstrated and so she is seeking it from you, your DH and your baby? * ruby*'s comments about eggs in one basket made me think.

I think that she is getting away with this because you are a young mother and too polite!
It would be best to sit down with your DH and discuss it , put in your boundaries and have a united front.
It will be much more difficult without his help, but you need to be more forceful and put your foot down over some things. She couldn't get away with it in anyone else's house and there is no reason why she should in yours.
She is a bully- the only way to stop it is to stand up to her- with DH is the easiest way.

Veexox I'm trying to see it from your MIL point of view. How long is it since you married, moved away from her? Has she got a life of her own where she lives? I know you said that she looks after her husband who has Aspergers and this is a very trying thing to do in itself. Who looks after him while she is with you? She probably feels insecure for one. For another she probably has the world turning on what you are all doing and has not learned yet to let go a bit. She needs some help in finding things to do which are not connected to her family. Is there any way you could look in her area on the internet and see what clubs she could join? Does she have any friends where she is? I think she is putting all her eggs into one basket with you and looks forward immensely to skyping you and seeing you. I do think that the length of time she stays needs to be altered, maybe by a night at a time until it's down to two nights.

But I do think that maybe if you go in guns blazing then she could be very hurt. I don't think she is doing anything on purpose. Her putting you down is obviously not true as she can't cope with the baby on her own. I would just ignore what she says and if anything praise what she does and that you would be lost without her help at times. I have always thought that when a child is naughty, they are really demanding attention. So I have given more time to that child and it works, they start to behave themselves. It's very hard to do sometimes when they have wound you up but I have found good results through perseverance.

I would search out some things on the internet for her to go to, clubs, groups etc. I would save a couple of little jobs that she could do on the next visit and praise her, saying that she does it better than you. I would ignore the comments and see if they start to fade if you throw a compliment or two. I would try to encourage her to take the baby out on her own as this seems to be a problem for her, start with a walk to the end of the street maybe. I would sit down with husband and sort out how to cut one night off her visit without upsetting her. And I would expect him to have some time at home with his own mother on their own, maybe she is missing the one to one with him too. She could be a very lonely woman, lost, be careful and gentle but slowly, hopefully she will feel more secure and then feel better about herself and letting you all have a bit of breathing space.

Good luck.