daughter

Sheila you have lost a son and your daughter has lost a brother. You are both hurting in your own ways.

Good post MargaretX

Perhaps your daughter gets the feeling you are saying the same things over and over again. I can understand your doing this as the death of your son gives you no peace.
I phone or mail my daughters at the most once a week and often 10 days go by. I'm sure time will heal this breach, its hardgoing for all of you.
A grieving parent is often too much for a son or daughter to deal with.
Be patient with her.

Mine too sheilar but I am used to it now so never call but occasionally text her if it has been a couple of weeks with not contact. No problem really she is just a very busy working mum. It does hurt sometimes though.

So sorry for the death of your son and maybe this is the cause of the problem especially if it is recent. As others have said talk to her.

I am sure that both comments were made with the best of intentions. Done, over with, surely?

It was not intrusive soontobe It was a reasonable question based on what the OP volunteered to tell us.
Knowing how long ago that happened is relevant because if it was recent then it could have some bearing on the OPs daughter's behaviour too.

The OP has not told us enough about why her daughter may be the way she is.

soontobe don't let others make you feel guilty about asking that question.

You'd be surprised how often people actually want to talk about those they have lost. Sheila mentioned the loss of her son herself in her OP, even though it was not the 'first problem presented' it is obviously an important issue in her life and she may well welcome the opportunity you offered to talk about him.

I did wonder after I posted it whether it was.

sheilaR. I apologise profusely if I have upset you with my question. If you would like the post removed, I will ask gransnet if they will kindly remove it.

That is a bit intrusive soontobe ?

I'm so sorry about the death of your son.

I feel quite uncomfortable talking on the telephone unless the person I'm talking to is a chatter box and can direct the conversation. I hate it when the phone rings and usually keep conversations brief and to the point.

It could be that your daughter feels similarly. However, if you are looking after your grandson I think she should respond to your calls as it might be something important.

As others have said, I think you need to have a chat with her about it. If on reflection you think you may have phoned her too often in the past, perhaps you could ask her if this is what she feels and then try to come to an arrangement that works for both of you.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad about this and hope that you can sort it out with your daughter.

sheilaR there is only one solution, as other OPs have said and that is to choose the right moment when BOTH of you feel relaxed and talk to her about the situation. Ask her if there is anything you have done that has made her not want to be contacted by you? Keep calm, do not accuse her of anything, think ahead about non-confrontational wording and also before you talk think honestly about your communication with her and whether, perhaps it has been too often. The answer may well be 'no'. But I do think you should ask her to always have her phone on when your DGS is with you, so that you can contact her in case of emergency.

You do not say when you lost your son, but the loss of a child never goes away. My sister died when my parents were in their late 70's. She was the one of three who was closest to our parents. I saw their grief at close quarters. I do not think my mother ever recovered from the loss. My sympathy goes out to you.

How long ago did your son die?

Phone her and ask her if they are alright?

I'm assuming your grandson is your daughter's child? She obviously trusts you to look after him, sheila, but it's not fair of her to turn her phone off when you have him. There could be an emergency and you'd need to get in touch with her.

As for her being distant towards you, perhaps you're phoning her too often? We don't know enough details really, but I hope it works out between you as of course you must both have been devasted by your son's death.

How is she feeling?

Sheila I hope this doesn't sound hard and unfeeling, but I wonder if you have any interests or friends that you see, besides your gardening and looking after your grandchild? (I took a quick look at your profile).
Could it be that your daughter feels responsible for your happiness and this is rather too much for her, coming on top of her brother's death?
I think you must try to tell her that her not answering your calls and texts is making you feel so unhappy, without criticising her in any way. She probably has no idea how you feel, and I'm sure she does love you.
I hope you can resolve it.

So sorry to hear that you are treated in this way. Was she always distant?

Maybe she is finding the loss of her brother difficult. x

One of my daughters does not like calling, but does answer email I send. This is not because of any resentment of me, but because she doesn't enjoy chatting on the phone, so I either wait until she comes to visit, or just send messages via email.Another daughter chats all the time on the phone to me, as does our son. Could your daughter be similar? If you think it's more than that, try and talk to her about it, when you catch her in a relaxed mood, in case there's a reason this is happening?

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you are able to enjoy your grandson.