ESTRANGEMENT- The silent epidemic! Let's get this out of the cupboard.

My past forays in Mumsnet ( as have been suggested on here) have not proved helpful in understanding the otherside of the story. The liberal use of expletives
e'g 'Your mum is a f'ing (word in full in post) bitch'. and 'You need cut them out' (referring to a poster's parents) appalled me. How can anyone suggest, on an Internet forum , that someone they don't even know should cut off their parents?!

Yogagirl

Remember the PM's we exchanged some time ago?

You really need to reiterate on here that your daughter married into a gypsy culture. It is almost the equivalent of marrying into a 'sect' in the USA. They are very controlling.

I had first hand information on the subject when I spent several weeks in hospital in the next bed to a gypsy woman in her 60's. She was scared of her husband AND sons. I learned, through hours of conversation, that the amount of control exerted by her male relatives was staggering. They would walk into the ward at anytime of the day or night totally disregarding the hospital rules. Even Security was unable to do much without causing disruption in a ward of very ill patients. Some of these people have no regard for the social norms, and also in some cases no regard for the law.

Yogagirl is on a hiding to nothing. Her daughter married into a 'community' who are often a law unto themselves. I am fed up reading some of the blatant, escalating insults directed at heartbroken estranged GP's/parents.

The 'holier than thou' and 'know all' attitude of some posters on here frankly stinks doesn't help.

Ankers it's Mother-in-Laws that are cut out not their own Mothers, read the posts.

I am a good kind gentle Christian women, I do not smoke or take drugs, a glass of wine at weekend. I have never smacked my children, I never swear. I loved my children & grandchildren with all of my heart and soul. I knew my place and never visited at weekends or evenings. I helped my D with the C, the eldest lived with me before her now stepdad came into the picture and we had a very loving special bond as my GD father was never in the pic from the start of my D pregnancy [he legged it]

My s.i.l drinks, takes drugs, from morning to night, and has done since he was 13yrs, he turns the air blue with his swearing, he is aggressive. He has brainwashed my D to CO all of her birth family and no doubt told her that if she disobeyed him, he would kick her out of their family home and keep the C, this he has already done to her, even though the eldest C is not his. His mother has the same personality disorder and is a alcoholic, substance abused runs in their family. Why cut me out; Jealousy!

These posts have made me realise, that as meeting with a "toxic" parent can be anxious and upsetting, that taking someone else along too, may be very helpful.

Bibbity.

^Also I don't think toxic people are a benefit to anyone.
If I don't deem someone to be beneficial to my children's wellbeing then they don't get to be apart of their life^

I have been having a think about how to put this.

I think life is a little bit of a balance.

It is easy to get blinkered to a concept[in this case your childrens' well-being]. Which is all good, yes.
But children have to be and need to be well rounded human beings for want of a better word.

I will give a bit of an example.
As a child, we are sometimes taken along to things like, visiting someone who is ill in hospital.
Now it could be said that that is harmful to a child in a way, seeing illness.
But actually, what if that child wants to work in a hospital? Also, for a child not to see illness is not really good is it?

I would say that the situation with a grandparent is a bit like that.
By you taking the child to see his/her grandparent, for a few minutes a t tiem, fully supervised, is teaching them things for want of a better word.
Unseen things like they will see the courage on your part, that difficult things, very difficult things, can be dealt with well. They may even very much learn that addiction is a dreadful thing and to be avoided if at all possible. That type of thing.I think children learn to be better copers, if they see people they know and love and trust, being able to cope.

I shall not react to Araabra.

Sorry. I got confused. The thread is moving to far and I had wine ?

No, I was quoting you and agreeing.

Now I'll quote myself.

Norah "I don't believe my under 40's define polite (courteous) to include being around toxic people just because it was always done that way."

"MIL put up with her MIL is not a reason to do likewise, and doesn't define courtesy anyway."

Norah. was that directed at me?

I comepeltly agree.

Bibbity "Eddiecat. It's far more common then you believe. Not every GP that's CO is because of that, but it has happened a lot."

GPs do get CO for smoking, swearing, drinking, also. Why is this so difficult to accept? Being a GP is a privilege not a right and many don't make the cut.

Have you never met a GP who spanked their own kids? Why would their AC accept that as an adult?

NO. Many GPs are CO because they spanked or were Mr Touchy Hands with their own children.

That is not provocative. It's a truism.

Eddiecat. It's far more common then you believe.

Not every GP that's CO is because of that, but it has happened a lot.

Araabra - you are just being provocative for the sake of it AGAIN. Don`t try to suggest that grandparents are commonly cut off because they are physically or sexually abusive. This is extremely offensive

Ankers Why risk spanking or GP Mr Touchy Hands?

But I would have control of this.
I have to work, I have to pay bills, I have to eat, breathe, drink.

I do not have to allow anyone in my life that I don't want.
Also I don't think toxic people are a benefit to anyone.
If I don't deem someone to be beneficial to my children's wellbeing then they don't get to be apart of their life.
As the parent that is my call.

A gp with "touchy hands" being able to see their grandchildren, would need specialist help I would have thought. Social services involvement.
I dont know enough about that. I am out of my depth.

A gp who spanked their children.
I would be asking myself if there is any evidence that they would spank my children.

Ankers "Araabra. Good point. Are you speaking of a specific example, or in general?"

General spanking abuse.

A pp us already explained that any contact with the CO person causes her distress and anxiety

I have to admit that that had not occured to me. And it should have done.
And actually I am not sure what to say.

But I wouldn't want to be around them. So why should I waste my time and happiness?

I think we all do things in life that we would rather not have to do. But, I would say that especially when it comes to our kids, we do all sorts of things we would rather not have do at times.

But we do them for their benefit.
And I do think kids benefit from seeing grandparents.

I can see there are negatives. Big ones in cases like this.
But positives too. So long as the situation is controlled.

Oh my goodness. Keeping children safe is a full time job, one parents are accountable to their children at a later date. Let's presume a GP knows GDad Touchy Hands is abusive. Does dd say "oh well, it will be ok"? No, she CO GP.

We mandate seats to keep children safe, their mental health matters too.

A pp us already explained that any contact with the CO person causes her distress and anxiety.

But I wouldn't want to be around them. So why should I waste my time and happiness?

Araabra. Good point.
Are you speaking of a specific example, orin general?

x posts.

Would a few minutes cause your child pain?

Or do you mean it would cause you pain?