To expect my DD to ring me regularly?

But on the other hand, the daughter has not asked recently about the op's broken leg. And I agree with her that I dont think it should always be the same person who rings first.

But on the other hand to that..
you say "I feel that she would ignore my texts"
and "I really have a feeling that she does not want a close relationship".
Both are statements in which you are not actually sure.

I think that it is time that you sopke to her nicely and calmly and may be at length about it all.

Jennypops - I really do feel that not telling her about the cataract operation is a very strange thing to do. Forgive me, but a bit of me does feel you are testing her to see what her level of commitment is. It is almost as though you have set up a situation where you can justify feeling aggrieved because she has not wished you well with your surgery or asked how it went. She has done neither of those things, because you did not tell her about it.

You say you do not want to always be the one who rings first - why not? You probably have more time than she does. I do think that you need to give her an occasional ring in an undemanding way and just have a short chat. You need to take the heat out of this situation. You are building it up in your mind in a way that does not help.

Our children are busy people these days and phoning mum is likely to slip their mind. It does not mean they do not care.

Sometimes one of mine will not ring for a while and then get on the phone and say oh heavens mum - I have been so busy - are you still alive?! We make a joke of it and proceed to catch up.

I think some of us have to accept that we are very low on our children's list of priorities. We certainly are.

MIL always said it was our 'duty' to call her rather than her phone us. I used to phone her weekly for a long chat but if it had been left to DH it could have been weeks before he felt he ought to. I used to wish she would sometimes just pick up the phone for a chat with us.

My daughter and I rarely talk on the phone, mainly because it is quite difficult for me. She will occasionally send me a text, and if there is anything specific I feel she should know I text her. It does not mean we do not care about each other, rather that we recognise that we have our own lives, and whilst it is good to know what is happening, we do not have to hear all the details. I know other families are entirely different, and enjoy a natter over the phone, so it is really each to his own, and the telephone is a two way thing, if you need to talk to your children, ring them.

Jennypops phone or text her, don't make an issue about it, what's the worse that can happen, she''s too busy to talk, so you could say I'll phone you later or you phone me, tell her about your surgery. How do you know she would not be interested if you don't tell her. How old are your grandchildren? She is your daughter, tell her you love her and miss her, she might think you are not interested in her life and family. Why don't you go and visit her, say you would love to see her and your grandchildren, make the first move.

When absentdaughter and I were living either side of the world we'd talk on the phone and/or e-mail depending on what was going on in our lives. It certainly wasn't regular and I have no idea if a month or more went by without our being in touch. It didn't mean that we didn't love each other or care about each other; it just meant that we were busy with stuff that wasn't especially interesting to anyone else. When we did need to talk to each other because stuff was interesting or important, then we did.

It depends on how your relationship works- if you have never had long, regular phone conversations, because you both love them, then it isn't suddenly going to happen. The problems come from differing expectations.

No news is good news. One'd hear soon enough if one's offspring were not alive and well.

I don't like the regular calls. I phone my mother often but not at a regular time or day. I got into phoning my PIL every Sunday because they had dementia and I thought they needed the regularity to know who I was. It was very difficult- my lifestyle is not such that I am in at a certain time every Sunday.
I wouldn't want my children to have a regular call through duty- I much prefer them getting in touch, when they want to and not because they feel they ought to.

I can understand how you feel. My DSs live quite near, but sometimes I do feel contact is only when it is convenient to them. We hardly ever talk on the phone, but do exchange texts.

I would agree that not to have been contacted for a month is hurtful, but I would send a text and mention your cataract surgery in a lighthearted way. She may be upset that you have not said anything before.

Like Rubylady said, we do bring our children up to be independent and quite rightly so. Time goes quickly for them if they have busy jobs and families.

It can be hurtful though, try not to dwell on it and enjoy the contact when it is made. x

I would take more initiative. I wouldn't have had an operation without phoning them to tell them.
In this case I would go for email - just send regular short ones without expecting replies and you will probably get some responses.
One of my sons was abroad and often somewhere with no signal for communication. If I hadn't heard from a while I would send messages in various forms and the last resort was a text saying 'are you alive and well?' - that always got a response!

It's a long time ago now but my mother used to ring me at 9.15 every Sunday morning and I'd have been worried if she hadn't. After she died, my father took her place at the same time. When he died, I missed those calls sorely. My DiL expects a call from her mum every weekend and they chat for ages.

This is a predicament for me too. My mother was a widow for 40 years and I am an only child so she relied on me very much. I didn't mind really but sometimes did resent having to speak to her every day especially when I was busy raising my family.

Now I'm a widow and have trouble knowing how much or how little to contact my adult children. I keep in touch in a light hearted way, usually by email or text but I would definitely tell them if I was really ill and ask how much or how little they could help.

This is a predicament for me too. My mother was a widow for 40 years and I am an only child so she relied on me very much. I didn't mind really but sometimes did resent having to speak to her every day especially when I was busy raising my family.

Now I'm a widow and have trouble knowing how much or how little to contact my adult children. I keep in touch in a light hearted way, usually by email or text but I would definitely tell them if I was really ill and ask how much or how little they could help.

We keep in contact with ours using Whatsapp as and when. It's their way of talking to their friends so, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I'd hate them to feel they have to ring on a specific day - life isn't like that any more.

And, as someone said, communication is a two way street!

put, not out

Some people do not like chatting on telephones and prefer to keep them for what telephone-using Amish people call "conversations of purpose". I am one of those people. Perhaps your DD is another.

Also, perhaps you have out your finger on the key when you say that you think your DD doesn't want a close relationship. I think you have to accept that she's allowed to make that choice.

I don't see why you feel you can't take the initiative and phone her. My mum used to phone me every Sunday and it got to be a habit. If I haven't seen or heard from any of mine, I'll ring them on a Sunday just to say hello and ask them how their week has been. Doesn't have to be a long chat.

I wouldn't get in touch at all with her just yet and leave it and get on with your own life. Go out and about with your own friends and leave her to get on with her life. If she hasn't phoned and it's always you phoning her first, then I would just leave it for a while.

I started to get very hacked off with most of my family as it was always me chasing them first, always seeing how they were. So I had a word with myself and left them all to it for a good while. Now it is far more balanced with certain members and others, like my mother and my daughter have been put on hold for now as no matter what I was doing, I was getting nowhere with them (similar personalities) and treated quite badly. I am not willing to be treated this way.

I do think that if we bring our children up to stand on their own two feet and create a life for themselves, do our best all their childhood to do this and probably go without ourselves and then get no thank you or care in return, then it is time to leave them to it and look after ourselves. If they cannot think that we deserve a little loving and attention as we get older and maybe more ill as we age, then I for one am not going to run after them begging for their time. I can get that off someone who does care.

Take a stand back, enjoy having a break from her, do your own thing. We bring them into the world but we don't have to checking up on them or them on us all the time. She will miss you soon enough.

I don't think a month is that long, I had not been in touch with my DD since Christmas except for one message on FB. DD lives abroad and is often travelling for work, I don't want her to feel duty bound to check on me regularly. She does not have children, probably would be different if GC were in the equation. She did come to the UK at the weekend which allowed us to have a meal and a catch up.

Text or email her and apologise for leaving it so long, but you're only just now able to see properly after your operation!! Ask after her family, but leave her guessing about your operation. That ought to get a respomse.

I think it is true that I have got sensitive about this and have definitley not rung her myself to see how long it would be before she rang me,stupid I know, but I really have the feeling that she does not want a close relationship and like Chloe1984 I find it hurtful. My own Mother used to ring me to complain if I did not ring her frequently enough! I have never done that!

I am sorry that you are feeling unhappy about the amount of contact from your DD.

I do think it is difficult when you start to feel upset about something - it makes you hyper-sensitive about it. And it may be tempting to not phone her as a sort of test to see if she will.

Give her a ring regularly - if it is not a convenient time then just say fine you will ring again and don't get upset about it or appear to put her under pressure.

But if you feel she would not answer your texts, then maybe something else is going on here?

jennypops, you say that your daughter doesn't know about your cataract surgery. How could she know if you haven't told her? Communication is a two-way street. Could you arrange to Skype at a regular time each week so that you can speak to the children?