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To say no to DS?

(24 Posts)
rubylady Wed 11-Mar-15 01:18:21

My DS had his first girlfriend over Christmas until two weeks ago. As it worked out, she didn't come to our house at all. But the conversation did occur between myself and DS about her going up to his room. He is 17, 18 in May, she was 16 nearly 17. I said that I didn't want her to be going up to his bedroom on their own even though they were allowed at her house to do this. I have had a DD a teen and she was allowed her boyfriends up to her room. It feels different though for him.

My reasoning is that if my DS's girlfriend got pregnant (my DS isn't the love 'em and leave 'em kind) and it was on my property I would feel responsible and answerable to her parents but if my DD had got pregnant then it would be my fault for letting her boyfriends stay over. If DS's girlfriend got pregnant on her own turf then it would be her parents responsibility, along with my DS too, obviously.

I talk to him about sex, contraception and we have always had a very open relationship so nothing wrong there, it's not that, it's feeling responsible for someone else's daughter, I suppose.

Anyone else agree or am I being too old fashioned as usual?

rubylady Wed 11-Mar-15 01:32:00

p.s. They only went up to her room, nothing went on. He only just managed a first kiss with her as he is quite shy and unsure of himself with girls so no experience properly as yet.

I was just asking how others had sorted this obstacle out.

loopylou Wed 11-Mar-15 07:03:22

I don't think you're being old fashioned at all Rubylady, it's your house and you set the ground rules. If you're not comfortable with something then put your foot down, firmly.
If her parents have a different view then fine, as you say, that's their prerogative.

Anya Wed 11-Mar-15 07:10:35

Do you mean that they split up two weeks ago Ruby?

Humbertbear Wed 11-Mar-15 08:28:46

I faced this problem over 20 years ago. I discussed the possible scenarios with my son. I knew what his answers would be but I told him he might have to face a baby of his being aborted or brought up without him being able to have any input. I also pointed out that he would still be able to go to university but a baby might ruin her life opportunities. You can't stop young people having sex but I decided I would far rather they were in his bedroom than in a park. He must have heeded my warnings because he became a father only after two years of marriage. Interestingly, the parents of the girl in question gave permission for them to share a room in our house and when they went on holiday with us. They would leave them on their own in their house for the evening but would not let them share a room.
A few years later I faced a similar issue with my daughter bringing a boyfriend home from uni. I reasoned that they were already sleeping together and that if I said they couldn't share a room she would be less likely to come home.
I was only 17 when I met my husband but we were fortunate in that he was already at uni so we had a room to go to. Just in case you think you can stop young people having sex, I will confess that we used to spend the afternoon together when I had a free afternoon on Thursdays in the 6th form and I would arrive home for tea as if I had been at school all day. I only told my mother when we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 11-Mar-15 09:24:22

I would have let them go to his room - they might have just wanted to listen to his music. But, I would have had a talk with DS before she came to stay, about how I didn't want them having sex in my house. I would have explained why.

AND I would probably have been stomping up and down the stairs, and banging the upstairs doors loudly, all the time they were up there. And offering them hot drinks quite often. grin

Anya Wed 11-Mar-15 09:59:11

Exactly what I'd have done jingl grin

granjo39 Wed 11-Mar-15 10:04:16

It was nearly 18 years ago that DD asked if her boyfriend could stay over,I replied of course he was welcome to stay in the spare room anytime grin I knew that he was staying with her at the shared student house and I told her-she was 18 and was entitled to do as she wished in her own place but under my roof she must abide by my rules.I also pointed out that had her father had still been alive (he had passed away 10 years earlier) he wouldn't have approved.She accepted my decision then the following year when she came home from Uni she asked again and received the same reply. They probably found my old fashioned attitude amusing but appreciated that I had stuck to my principles.They have now been married nearly 10 years.

harrigran Wed 11-Mar-15 10:15:30

I allowed DC's boy/girlfriend to stay with us but I had only a single bed in each spare room. I told them they were welcome but circumstances meant they couldn't share a room. We took DS's girlfriend on holiday with us when they had been going out for 5 months and I asked her if it was okay for them to share a room, I didn't assume. As an astronomer, in France, he only went to bed when it was starting to get light anyway grin

annodomini Wed 11-Mar-15 10:32:30

Given that the only time DS1 tidied his bedroom was when a girlfriend was coming round, what choice did I have?

granjura Wed 11-Mar-15 10:37:04

Our attitude with DDs is that I'd rather they were at home than 'behind the bike sheds'. If you know it is happening- and can't stop it- then to me it seems a bit pointless and hypocritical in many ways.

tanith Wed 11-Mar-15 12:01:20

What granjura said grin

Ariadne Wed 11-Mar-15 12:06:20

What granjura and tanith said! smile

rubylady Thu 12-Mar-15 04:51:21

Anya yes, they split up two weeks ago. She is in the cadets for the military and he doesn't agree with any military so they decided that their opinions were never going to tally and split up. They are still friends and he has learnt a lot from this first fledgling relationship.

Thanks for your interesting replies. I know what you mean when you say you would rather they go upstairs in your house than be on the street or behind the bike sheds and I suppose I will have to take any other relationship on it's own merit of how that relationship works. I just want to bring him up to respect women and some of this he would have got from his dad, had he been worth his salt. smile

rubylady Thu 12-Mar-15 04:55:12

p.s. I was allowed to sleep over at my ex husband's parents but not at my own parents. It's each to their own, I suppose. I was 18, he was 22 and it was my first sexual relationship which did lead to marriage. My DS also believes that sex comes with love and a relationship, not just bringing women back willy nilly.

Faye Thu 12-Mar-15 05:43:00

I think your son is mature and thoughtful in his thinking rubylady.

I believe it depends on their ages and the household situation. My eldest DD and DS are eight and six years older than DD2. Not good for a younger sibling to think it's all okay to be sleeping with their bf or gf and you are at work when they get home from school.

I wouldn't encourage a sixteen year old to be bringing their gf or bf home to sleep with especially when they have younger siblings. Mine were pretty busy at that age, all had after school jobs, ballet, drama, cycling, friends over, hobbies, family and cousins etc.

When they are older and in a steady relationship then it's entirely different.

thatbags Thu 12-Mar-15 06:57:20

I think that if one feels responsible (your word, ruby) for a pregnancy that is conceived in your house because you are a potential grandparent of said child, then you are responsible whether it is the mother's genes this hypothetical child is getting in your house or the father's (actually it's getting both kinds wherever the conception take place). In short, I don't think that the gender of your own offspring is relevant.

This is not to say that your feeling of responsibility is wrong. That's for you to decide. I just think that the way you have expressed it is sexist.

As it happens, I don't think you are 'responsible' for the conception either way but, as I said, that's for you to decide. I agree with what granjura said.

J52 Thu 12-Mar-15 07:53:51

living on the edge of a city, we always made it clear to our older teenage DSs that we expected them home at night.

This meant that after a Saturday night out we were host to other youngsters who could not get back to their country homes.

Rules were set: all youngsters had to tell their parents where they were. Spare room for the girls, sons rooms for they boys. Our bedroom was in between with the door open! ( me sleeping with one eye open!)

It worked, often with other parents turning up early on Sunday mornings to collect offspring. Said off sping being told ' say thank you to Mrs J52' !

At least in our house I knew they were all safe. x

Teetime Thu 12-Mar-15 09:20:19

My daughter took all and sundry up to her room from about 16 onwards but I used to pop in all the time for a chat!!!

glammanana Thu 12-Mar-15 10:11:45

J52 We had a similar set up with our's the boy's would come home on a week-ends leave and invite a few friends who either did not have families to go home to or just fancied a change of scene,the girl squaddies would also come and stay and sleep in separate rooms all good kids and with lots of respect for our house rules.

loopylou Thu 12-Mar-15 17:39:41

Same here J52 and glammnana
We had plenty of room and it was always interesting to see how many needed feeding at breakfast time. The record stood at 14, not including DS and DD hmm!
When the weather was good they'd sometimes have camping sleepovers with a big campfire, DH would 'patrol' at random times.....I was never sure what he'd have done if he'd disturbed any amorous couples! I guess 2 man tents restricted some activities?

J52 Thu 12-Mar-15 17:49:03

On the subject of getting them up and on their merry way, we found that beginning to fry bacon did the trick! Even on the vegetarians! x

vampirequeen Thu 12-Mar-15 19:21:17

It really depends how you feel about it. I let my DDs take boys to their rooms but I knew people who would never have allowed it.

We lived in the city centre so everyone ended up back at our house. My airing cupboard was full of spare night clothes and quilts. They all bedded down in the living room after first phoning their mums' to report that they were safe.

The conversations and phone calls were like Kevin and Perry. The kids would arrive and politely say hello to me. I'd remind them to phone home. Once on the phone with mum Kevin took over. "Yeah. I'm here. Oh for god's sake don't fuss. I told you I was coming here. Oh god I'll see you tomorrow!!!!" Slammed phone down then turned to me and said, "Mum says thanks, Mrs D"

They were welcome to sleep but I didn't run a cafe. The food was there and they could help themselves but I had no intention of making breakfast for a dozen kids lol.

Even now 15 years on they still talk about how cool I was and how nice it was to be trusted.

Eloethan Fri 13-Mar-15 00:04:53

I think a parent must do what they think best and what they feel comfortable with.

In our case, our son's girlfriend stayed overnight in his bedroom (in fact she more or less lived with us for two years). They were both quite young - around 17/18 - but sensible. I was very fond of her and, although they broke up years ago and she is married and my son has a partner and children, they are still friends.

We had a stricter attitude with our daughter (there are 7 years between them) which didn't work out at all well as she became extremely rebellious. We caused her, and ourselves also, a lot of unhappiness and we resolved not to make the same mistakes again.