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Christmas contact

(19 Posts)
PeacefulSolution Fri 13-Mar-15 21:56:52

My ex wants ds to stay with him this coming Christmas - I know, it's still only March! We split up when ds was 3 then ex spent the following 2 Christmases with us. The past two ex has spent at his own home with his new girlfriend. The first she was pregnant, last year with their dd. Both times ds spent Christmas at home with me and a week over new year with his dad, girlfriend and paternal grandparents. Ex wants ds on Christmas day itself this year. I've read various articles about alternating each year, but am feeling disinclined to agree to this. Ex lives in London. We live in northern Ireland. Ex visits ds overnight every month to 6 weeks and ds visits ex in London for a max of 4 weeks each year. London isn't like a 2nd home to ds - ds says he goes to his dad's for holidays. Any thoughts?

Grannyknot Fri 13-Mar-15 22:18:52

HI peace welcome if you're new.

It seems that your ex husband has been extremely reliable (and determined) in terms of building and maintaining a relationship with his child, despite living some distance away. Depending on the child's age, and his wishes (the child's) I'd be inclined to say yes ...

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 13-Mar-15 22:30:36

I would wait and see how you all feel a little nearer the time.

janerowena Fri 13-Mar-15 22:31:29

Sad though it is - I agree. Otherwise when your child is a teen they will just see the best parts and not the worst - and a lot of worst comes out at Christmas!

absent Fri 13-Mar-15 23:11:51

I wonder why it is necessary to make arrangements nine months in advance. Seems odd.

Ceesnan Sat 14-Mar-15 06:46:12

Could it be that solutions to any possible problems can be found and implemented in the coming months? Seems quite sensible to me, if that is the case.

PeacefulSolution Sat 14-Mar-15 09:30:28

My ex likes to get visit dates agreed so far in advance so he can get flights booked as soon as they become available. Our ds is 7 now and my ex has suggested we ask him where he wants to spend Christmas. I feel he is to young and it would be unfair on him to make him choose, particularly so far in advance as like most kids he changes his mind regularly about lots of different things! In previous years, ds has enjoyed spending Christmas here and new year in England. They have a 2nd Christmas on new years eve with the white family and ds has mentioned in the past that it is good because new years eve is also his step granddads birthday, so they yet to celebrate that altogether too.

tanith Sat 14-Mar-15 12:27:26

My granddaughter usually does alternate between Mum and Dad its worked well for 10yrs, when she isn't with her Mum then she has an early Christmas day with her Mum and siblings, they have a roast and she gets to open a few presents the rest are saved for when she comes back.

My daughter thinks its only fair that she gets equal high days with her Dads family as ours.. I tend to agree.

Leticia Sat 14-Mar-15 16:34:22

It seems only fair to me to alternate. Sensible of him to plan early- he can't be accused of springing the idea on you!
My friend's son had just had that problem - they have shared parenting live in the same town and yet she wanted every Christmas because apparently she can't bear not waking up with her child! ( never mind what the child and father want) It went to court and she had to compromise.
I can't see the difference as he already is used to a week at New Year and DS is happy to go. Everyone needs to work at making his Dad's a second home, if it isn't yet.

glammanana Sat 14-Mar-15 16:51:22

Peaceful You and your ex should be applauded with the way you have both kept your little man your priority its a shame more people can't be like you,I do think (and my opinion only) that your little one is just that too young to make the decision himself he is only 7 after all (still a babe in my eyes) I'd suggest giving it a year or two and keep things as they are at present he sounds as though he is settled with it,specially as he mentions the Birthday celebrations for his SGF at New Year.

sparkygran Sat 14-Mar-15 18:17:36

I tend to agree with glammanana he is very young to be asked to be make such a big decision and having mentioned enjoying NY with his father`s family and in particular SGF who celebrates his birthday on New Year`s Eve he has great new NY celebrations and as you and his father look to have good shared parentship (probably no such word) tell him you would like to leave it as it is for the moment and review in a couple of years. smile

Leticia Sat 14-Mar-15 18:21:34

The answer is perhaps to say no for this year, but work very hard to make his father's a second home.

etheltbags1 Sat 14-Mar-15 18:26:30

I can only think that some people are so insecure they must make arrangements really early, or its too outdo someone else arrangements. Ive had lots of this (see post on special days). My DDs MIL tries to get in earlier than me to see DGD on holidays.
Hope I can win the lottery and I will buy them a house many miles away so they can be independent .smile
However its the kids that fall victim to the parents arrangements, they cant decide where they will go until they are older. goodness knows what my family will be like in a few years time

Leticia Sat 14-Mar-15 18:33:58

I think in this case he has got in early because if it happens he needs to work up to it throughout the year. It is hardly a normal family arrangement that doesn't need thinking about for at least 6 months.

grannyactivist Sat 14-Mar-15 20:14:57

I think that it's quite reasonable of your ex to have waited until now to ask to have Christmas day with your/his son. I also think that at the age of 7 your son will be ready to adapt to a changing pattern of visits. You say that you're disinclined to agree to alternate Christmases and I wonder why that is. Is it because you believe it won't be in your son's best interests? And if that's so then why not? Or perhaps it's because you want your son with you on Christmas day. I absolutely understand why you would want that, but perhaps you can see that the child's father feels the same? And has waited until the little lad is old enough for a Christmas visit to be appropriate to his age.
I think you will find it very tough to be without your son on Christmas Day, but you have obviously got his best interests at heart and I'm sure you will do what is right for your son. flowers

PeacefulSolution Mon 16-Mar-15 20:21:57

Thanks to you all for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I can see my ex's point of view in wanting to spend Christmas day with all of his kids together. I've not discussed my thoughts with my ex at all, but the pressure of having to come to an agreement has been taken off my hands for this year, and possibly the next few years. Ex phoned today to say he's changed his mind - while our ds still believes in Santa he thinks it's best for him to stay at home, and he & his girlfriend will have their hands full with 2 kids of their own under 18 months! I do know I'll have to accept our ds may spend Christmas at his dad's at some stage, but have to admit to being happy it's not this year!

grannyactivist Mon 16-Mar-15 21:18:12

Hi Peaceful, glad the situation has resolved itself and I think that now you've 'looked the beast in the eye' you'll be well prepared when the time comes for your son to spend Christmases with his dad in the future. smile

PeacefulSolution Mon 16-Mar-15 21:41:00

Indeed grannyactivist! Thanks again smile

Leticia Mon 16-Mar-15 21:59:27

Glad you got a solution.