To be angry beyond angry

I divorced when my children were very young and if my ex's new partner had ever referred to them as "our"children there would have been fireworks! Their mum might be a bit difficult, but she could be much worse. If you imagine the children don't know what you think about their mother you are living in a dream world. You will give yourself away constantly, in body language and tone of voice. Kids often say and do what they think the adult they are speaking to wants them to, and they mix up dates and events. Perhaps you need to stop seeing the mum as the 'baddy' accept she is their mother and your DH is their father. They may have 4 adults who love and care for them but they only have 2 parents.

Now that was well put Iam64! I will try to remind myself of that distinction when things are kicking off here! "Children have rights. Parents/grandparents have responsibilities". Yes!! Thank you.

Well said nelliemoser. Children have rights, parents have responsibilities,as do grandparents

Some estranged parents behave apallingly about contact with their children or step children. Point scoring, disrupting contact arrangements at a whim etc etc.
They also try whinging to children's services with complaints such as "Johnny has arrived for the weekend (at Dad's) with clothes unironed so they cannot be being properly looked after." Yes I heard it with my own ears.

This behaviour seems to get worse around the time of financial settlements. I long ago despaired at the way some parents behave following a separation. No proper thought given to the wellbeing of the children it all about "I want my rights as a Mum or a Dad."

I would be furious too.

I think the usual term is 'step children'.

Children, no matter how good they are can also be very good at playing parents and step parents against each other.

Despite all the aggro vampirequeen it certainly sounds like you're doing a great job albeit with blips.
Well done to you and your DH!

I have two adult daughters and three grandchildren with two more due in August. They have no problem with their step-siblings although as the age difference is so large it's more an adult/child relationship. My grandchildren call DH by his Christian name but look on his as another grandparent because he's grandma's husband. All the children are good friends as they're all similar in age.

We're a family. Some of us are related by blood, others by marriage or previous relationships but we're all one family with children at the heart of it.

They call me by my Christian name. I'm not their mum and don't pretend to be. In fact I keep telling them I'm trying hard to be a wicked stepmother but they laugh and say I'm rubbish at being wicked.

Just wondering, what do the children call you?

I'm glad things have simmered down, vq. Sometimes it is better to write things down ( I suppose it used to be on paper that could be destroyed but now it is on a forum like this which can't).

I will say, though, that I have got confused in the past when you have referred to 'our children' and must say that I would feel miffed if that is how you refer to them when speaking to their mother. That could make her feel rather jealous and threatened and indeed worried that they might love you more than her. Probably irrational but if they come back saying what a brilliant time they had with you and DH that could make her feel insecure, however unjustified that is.

However, it is wonderful that they have 4 adults who love them so much and would do anything for them and that is far better than the alternative, that you don't get on with them and resent the time your DH spends with them..

Children are very good, though, at detecting underlying currents however nice and smiley you all are together!

Do I recall that you have DD of your own - how do they feel about their step-siblings and your very close relationship? I hope they are fond of them too.

Why biological mother Vampirequeen, the children have not been adopted , this is what I just don't understand , you do seem to dislike the mother of your step children , she is their mother , I think you would be happier if you could accept this . May I ask? Do you have children? Not your step children but children you gave birth to

That's why I vented on here. Things have settled down again. Much better to vent here than let it fester (or so I thought although I brought a huge amount of wrath down on myself).

I know it upsets some people but we share responsibility for our children. All four of us....their biological mother, their biological father, their stepfather and myself have to work together so our children feel secure and loved by the four most important people in their lives.

It's really really hard to be a stepmother (I'm sure being a stepfather is also difficult) but taking the stance of what is " best for the children " is a good first step. Always reminding everyone involved that this is what it is about - not personal adult feelings but what the children need - even if they don't know it! In an ideal world everyone gets on fine and the children are "shared" equally and happily between both parents. Children have minds of their own and sometimes they "hate" one parent and another time they "hate" the other one! A good dialogue between the parents is really essential for the well being of the children - if that isn't possible then another person should/could be a go between - maybe even the new partners of the parents? In some cases it could work - maybe in this one? Is this too radical a suggestion? Perhaps I'm living in "cloud cuckoo land". On the other hand if it becomes a stale mate then anything to try and sort it is worth a try isn't it? ....

As a step mother myself, I understand the frustration. 30 years on my DH, who has a special needs son living with mother and new husband, has experienced endless problems maintaining contact. Mum blows hot and cold and DH has not seen DS now for 2 years., when previously he spent time with us. DH did leave ex for me so no love lost but having reached some civility one phone call badly handled by DH and ex over arrangements has set us back and efforts to engage since has failed. Pain from marriage break ups can last a lifetime and affect the next generation and relationships with grandchildren. Its such a shame that adults just cannot forgive each other and do their best for the children

curiouser and curiouser!
Thanks GrannyTwice - it's a bit clearer now. Lke NannyGoat I thought some of them were their grandchildren.

Thanks absent.

Of course, the children's mother does not phone phoenix.

She phones vampirequeen

Why does the mother phone phoenix?

Exactly!

We know the mother phones phoenix to make arrangements re the children so she is at least partly co-operative.

Absent - I think when it comes to complex family relationships people tell a version of what they believe to be true but not the whole objective unbiased truth. I think it would be impossible to do otherwise. Sometimes it may be helpful to say that there is another side to a story like this. Venting on GN is fine of course but not a one way street.

vampirequeen believes that the children's mother deliberately pisses around with the arrangements for the children to visit their father and her. She also believes that their mother spreads lies about their father. Does anyone have a reason to believe that she is not telling the truth? If I were in the same situation, I think I might use the word bitch or even something stronger – not to her face or in the children's hearing – but when venting my spleen on Gransnet exactly how Vampirequeen has done.

Thank you GT for your clarifying the matter, I thought at first 'our children' should read 'our grandchildren', it got more confusing by the minute.

You need to think why the mum behaves in the way described. Is it spite or it from a desire to keep the children close to her? Obviously it is open to interpretation. What do you think her explanation would be?

HTH

To further clarify - the teo children are referred to as 'our children' by VQ which some of us take issue with. The ex-wife is referred to variously as a 'bitch' and the ' children's biological mother ' which again some of us take issue with. For the avoidance of doubt, vq's husband is the children's biological father but is never referred to as such