Left holding the baby....

Your tough. experiences tell you to let this one go downtoearth. It's so hard when you've spent your life putting the needs of others before yourself. I agree with you, this poor kid needs help, love and support but you aren't in a position to save everyone. It's always been tough for troubled teenagers and children's services usually attempt to find a solution within the family or the community. That's partly based on research that confirms teenagers who go into the care system don't do very well, of course they don't because they usually arrive with all kinds of emotional/psychological and sometimes psychiatric problems.

The other reason is resources. The local authority I worked in 30 plus years ago had various resources for teens, none of them ideal but at least we could always find a bed in an emergency whilst we worked out a better, longer term solution. All the family group homes, small children's homes and many of the older foster carers (who had elastic walls in their houses) are gone now.

None of that is down to you downtoearth - don't beat yourself up, it's time to hang up your rescue outfit

Thank you all for springing to my defence ,I have taken the girl overnight Apricot, and she is still here,this morning I have had to get my OH 7 miles to the bus stop for his journey to work ,have to threaten,cajole,almost drag said teenager out of bed get her to take a bath as she hasn't had one for 4 days or washed,has worn same bra since Thursday despite me offering each night to wash it and her other underwear,she went to work placement yesterday was there an hour was sick I had to return another 25mile round trip to collect her 50 miles in all as no suitable bus service,sunday was spent trying to contact her mother to arrange for some clothed for her and I got an earful off her,saturday alongside having my 2 year granddaughter for 12 hours was spent on a shopping trip to buy suitable clothing an allowance of £30 was given to me and was told to get receipts by S/S Friday was spent waiting in for s/w I had to let people I volunteer with and clients I have booked in down,each night I make a return journey to pick OH up from bus stop,I am trying to sort out my GD and keep her on the straight and narrow,I haven't got the energy or the esources of a younger woman,I have taken in waifs and strays all of my mothering years including family,in fact am known as nanny P to all of them,now I am 62 and tired of the the battles of fighting everyone elses cause,financially we are crippled through giving up work to fight for my GD 6 years through high court and numerous other court cases take its toll healthwise and energy wise....and guess what I am beating myself up because I know this poor kid needs help,love and support and I am not able to help her

Hello apricot, I too often take in waifs and strays, but would try never to do so in the face of resentment from my own family - which would seem like a lose-lose situation to me. downtoearth has been on Gransnet a long time and her commitment to her granddaughter, who she took in after a horrendous family situation, is well documented. To jeopardise the well-being of her granddaughter (who has been a very troubled girl herself) in order to let the Social Worker off the hook is unacceptable in my opinion. I do feel very sad for this other young girl, but as she's only fourteen the best thing for her is to get her a more sensible placement as quickly as possible. (Preferably back at home with some family support if at all viable as an option.)

Well said, Mishap.

As a relatively new member apricot probably isn't aware of downtoearth's circumstances, but even so it's not fair to make comparisons based on one's own experience when younger and fitter.

downtoearth is not able to look after a troubled child at present - she is a grandmother (not a spring chicken) with an OH who is not happy about the situation, and a vulnerable GD needing her support. Someone kind has taken this lass in (*downtoearth*), and is not in a position to continue to do so without risking the integrity and well-being of her own family. She is right to put her family first and to establish what she is able or not able to do.

As a former SW I know that this situation will just drag on - the OP's own GD is feeling the strain of her being there, and hubbie is voting with his feet - not a situation that should be allowed to continue.

I am all for kindness, but practicality and realism have their place too. Downtoearth has done her kind action by caring for her GD.

Her circumstances are probably very different from how yours were apricot, but she has to deal with the realities of her own situation. Having this lass there is not working out, and that helps no-one, least of all the lass herself.

Time for the SWs to find a professional foster carer who is in a position to take her in.

Couldn't you give this poor girl shelter a bit longer? Social Services are very overstretched. Could you say to her face, "We don't want you here, you're 16, go and fend for yourself".
I had a big family of teenagers and often got up to find a waif or stray sleeping on the sofa. My daughters' friends knew they would always find a place of safety with us and they never abused our hospitality. I'd hope that, if my child needed somewhere to stay, someone kind would take them in.

There are thousands of girls and boys in the same situation as this poor lass - but she and none of the others are your responsibility.

You must be firm and not allow guilt or compassion to rule in this case. You are right to feel sorry for her, but solving her problems is not down to you and you should not feel guilty about being clear about your priorities.

It is very unfortunate that you have been put in this situation and you can only extricate yourself from it by being firm.

have pushed for a removal date and told weds poss Friday, have said prefer weds aits her private spacend said this is not an open ended arrangement ,SW not happy as I think she would push boundaries,so have given ultimatum Friday latest,My E has been estranged from her paternal family due to fathers domestic violence which resulted in daughters death,I have worked so hard to facilitate a holiday with her paternal auntie so that she can meet cousins and family members she has n contact with in 12 years,she has also met dad several times as I thought in her best interest,and have satisfied her curiosity,she knows him now is wary of him,and dosent want a father /daughter relationship with him,at 161/2 and strong enough to deal with this now,will not stop this in order to look after E and my E does not want her to stay in her bedroom and with us while she s away,understandably it is her private space....thank you all for your input and flowers xx

Social Workers have been doing this for years (and I have to admit, guilty as charged in the past), but it is not acceptable. Recent case law has made it very clear that by arranging this girl's placement with you they have accepted responsibility for her and have to either approve you as her foster carer (which you don't want and is not appropriate for your DGD) or move her to foster care ASAP. In the meantime they should be paying you a fostering allowance for her. I think if you tell them you are aware of the law in this respect they may move a bit quicker.

Good luck downtoearth, you have a heart of gold

Oh downtoearth what an awful predicament to be in!

I can only reiterate what others have said, stay strong if SS try to guilt-trip you into taking on this girl for any longer than absolutely necessary. Of course you feel sorry for her and she does need a secure placement, but your first priority of course has to be E and neither of you needs this sort of stress...

Let us know how things progress, life can be so unfair at times...

thank you I know s/w are very busy,and my first instinct is for my E and her friend desperately wants a reliable mother figure and a family,exactly what my E has,but cannot be that person and don't want her to form an attachment to me ,she has already said she feels safe here and wants to stay poor little mite has had so much rejection that I feel bad that I am doing the same,if I where younger and had 3 bedrooms it might be different but OH never wanted his own children and withtin a month GD came to live,he puts up with sons partner little girl here 12 hours Saturdays /weds afternoons while she works,think he has enough family life to deal with especially as my E has issues and anger problems,he feels the brunt of those...think he may pack up and leave if another one arrives here....he spent most of weekend out of house to escape,if they ring emotional blackmail and to guilt trip me ....they have succeeded....also have a sicky teen upstairs no needing looking after ,the trip home was fraught with carrier bags as sick bags,and many stops and she cannot return to work experience until 48 hours after last vomit as the placement is with children...just hope its not my cooking...although think is stress related poor kid...

Kick SSD up the backside - they have no right to ask you to do this and you need to be vociferous in telling them that this cannot continue or (understandably with their caseloads) they will be tempted to drag their feet. Your primary responsibility is to your GD and they need to hear that loud and clear.

I am not knocking social workers (I used to be one!) but I know that they re under such pressure that if a child is safe and looked after, the case could by default slip to the bottom of their priority list! Make your voice heard!

It sounds as though your DGD has done well for herself and you have done a good job of bringing her up - you do not need this pernicious influence on your doorstep. The lass does need help and deserves our sympathy, but it is not your responsibility.

You are most certainly NOT being unreasonable and it's a credit to you that you took the girl in in the first place. Nationwide there is a huge shortage of foster carers and I guess the S.W.'s felt you were a safe pair of hands in an emergency, but really this should be sorted today AND you should receive payment!
because you deserve them.