Have I got a choice?

I'm pleased Coolgran said that and not me!!!

Just reading Pinks post has made my blood boil !

P.s. I would 'speculate' that my DIL has plenty of space. We have seen her three times since mid March - and that included her calling round (at her behest)'to collect her birthday present.

Oh dear, Pinkjenstar...... when I said we put my DIL's verbal attack on us down to post natal depression, it was not meant to be an insult.. We used this expression (between DH and myself) to excuse her rudeness and shouting. It was quite terrifying and upsetting. Subsequently, she excused her treatment of us to my DS saying herself that it was 'post natal depression'. Only through our acceptance and continuing practical help (asked for) were we able to maintain a relationship with DIL. This is completely new episode that has originated since I was in hospital.

I hope this clarifies everything...

Pink - I cannot agree with you. Your post seems to lack balance - which is understandable from your description of your MIL. There are always two sides to these problems and I think most of the people who have responded to the OP have recognised that, and have tried to advise that not risking putting pressure on the DIL is the way forward, whilst also recognising that the OP is feeling upset by the failure of this relationship.

This MIL is someone who has been through a period of serious ill health and who has felt hurt by some of the things that have happened with her DIL. It is not unusual for these relationships to be troublesome, and I would hope that here on Gransnet we might try and provide some comfort and support.

I am sorry that your MIL has proved to be a problem for you. But I do think that you will find that there are many good MILs on this site (and there is no sound reason for concluding that the OP is not one if these) who very often stand up for the DILs quite vociferously in some threads where it is appropriate and they can see that someone has overstepped the mark with their DIL.

You put it 'all down to post natal depression.' Are you a psychologist?? Why are you web speculating about her health which has nothing to do with you??

Secondly, she agreed to drop him off at the park with you for alone time and you have an issue with that?? This poor DIL can't get anything right. She doesn't have to spend time with you. That's her choice not yours.

Lastly you say you don't swear at the house but you did using *k on a public forum :/

As a DIL (looking for stories and experiences from 'the other side' having been verbally and physically attacked by my MIL - and more) I can't blame your DIL for wanting space. Wow. Just reading your post made my blood boil I hope your DIL is getting some support somewhere

Seeing your GS each week on your own turf with your own son there would certainly seem to be the best option at the moment, especially in view of your health. I hope you are able to just enjoy your time with him and not let your discomfort over your DIL's attitude spoil this - precious time to be treasured.

If GS gets to really enjoy that time, then he will be wanting to see you and that might tip things with your DIL in the long term But if he senses an atmosphere when he is there then he won't enjoy it as much - small children pick up these things very quickly.

I hope you can really enjoy your time with him - I am sure you will have ways of making it special.

You say your DiL normally plans weeks ahead. Maybe she feels a need to do that so she has a feeling of control. If so, a last minute change of plan could be very unwelcome.

You are right in all you say about your health, your need to recuperate and the kind of relationship you would like to have with your DiL.

Unfortunately she does not behave as you would like so your only option, as I see it, is to fit in with her or risk further alienation.

That doesn't have to mean risking your health though. If you feel that the idea of park visits is unsuitable at the moment then be happy that you see your DGS on Sundays.

Step back, louisamay, and give yourself over to recovery instead of nursing your hurt, and thereby giving your DIL time and space as well. Let her get on with her life without having to worry about your expectations of how she should behave to keep you happy, and visa versa.

Go with the "good enough" premise that you see your son and grandson regularly. How or where that happens doesn't matter. Embrace the fact that it does.

Life events such as serious illnesses does change the balance of what went before. Now you find yourself in a new situation with your DIL. It takes time to adjust for all concerned - just allow for the difference and see how it evolves.

I can understand you're angry and hurt, but is it all down to your DIL?

Trying to change someone else's behaviour often brings sadness. Changing one's own behaviour can reap rewards. A little patience can go a long way.

Wishing you both a happier time ahead.

Oh, and her mum and sister have car seats! Had them for months.

I don't think Monday is going to happen as I have not heard anything further from her. And normally she plans weeks ahead. I am recovering well but dealing with this is really not helping.

I really feel for you louisamay. I wonder if dil is terrified of illness? Grandson may be felt to be "safer" in the open air ? Likewise over protective feelings about someone else driving him. Irrational, but people do have irrational fears. I think your son needs to get to the bottom of it, as she may need help in overcoming, or at least recognising she has a problem. I'm sure it isn't personal, but really understand how you must be feeling especially as you need a lot of tlc after your recent illness. Hope Monday is a lovely day.

I'm sorry Thatbags but I have never ever queried her decisions before but please bear in mind that I am 72 (almost 73). Have been lucky to survive Sepsis, and do not relish being in the park for an hour and 45 minutes from 9am (when it can be quite damp down there). I am extremely worried about getting another cold, sore throat etc. I have been told that I must take good very good care of myself - which is sensible anyway. Frankly I would have expected DIL to take some of that into consideration - but no! She has been cold, uncaring and distant since I was ill and it bloody well upsets me. I'm not saying any more about it.

Ana - we would love to get a car seat but the idea was rejected when previously mentioned by us. We didnt put a price limit on it or anything like that. We have clean licenses, decent cars and drive responsibly. I have mentioned in my last email that I thought a car seat would be helpful. We can't just go ahead and buy one - that would not go down well at all.
Maybe you can see how difficult she makes things.

I've just reasd through this thread again and notice you say you couldn't drive your DGS home because you don't have a car seat for him, louisamay.

Why not get one? It would surely be a good investment.

i suppose I'm still saying, No, you haven't got a choice, and I don't think that's in the least unreasonable.

You responded to her email, you said, with a suggestion that was different from what she had already thought about. Some people find that sort of helpful suggestion unhelpful. They can't cope with it. I don't know why this is, I just know it IS. How about just accepting her as she is and doing what she asks instead of trying to do things your way, even if you are motivated by helpfulness, which I'm sure you are.

She replied politely and off-puttingly perhaps, with "I'll think about it". I interpret that as a polite way of saying "Please stop making other suggestions".

I'm getting the impression that you simply don't understand that your DiL has difficulties with people. So she's awkward. Some people are. Work round that and start by not making alternative suggestions but just accepting, putting up with, if you prefer.

Hate to labour the point but we do find it strange (and hurtful) that before I became ill we were 'welcome' at the house. Although DIL would be busy and there wasn't much conversation, we seemed 'OK'. Sometimes when we were about to leave at the appointed time, she would suggest we stay on til DS came home from work so we could have a chat with him! EVERYTHING has now changed, she never initiates a text or email, ever! Not that I expect a lot of contact but it's so bl**dy odd. DS has absolutely no idea either and I fear he is going to raise it with her soon. I would rather he didn't but I think it's inevitable.

I get the impression she wants that time without either of you in the house. Maybe for now it's better to just go along with it especially as your husband will be with you. I initially thought you'd be stuck in a park for two hours on your own. Accept it graciously, don't rock the boat for now, and try to find out when you can what is going on in her mind. This solution is not one I'd welcome as I'd prefer to have the toddler at my house, but she clearly has issues, as yet not identified, so go with the offer. Having your OH with you makes all the difference. Have a lovely Monday morning. Is that particular day important to her? Does she have friends round? Could be why she doesn't want you there.

Sound like she doesn't want you at the house for some reason. It looks like it might be the park or nothing unfortunately.

There is no possibility that DIL would ever have to care for me and I can't imagine the thought would have even entered her head. i have a fit and healthy husband, two retired sisters who live in the area and a widowed sister in law who are far more likely to help out should the need ever arise. In any case I am recovering. I suffered severe complications after 'flu which led to Sepsis, a life threatening condition but one from which people can and do recover. I have seen DIL briefly three times since March. She has always kept us pretty much at arms length in the past and really our visits to the house were only because we were useful, however we did chat briefly and I was fine with that. Back to the present situation - I responded to her email and suggested that to save her driving to and from the park we could collect DGS from the house in his buggy and walk to one of three green open spaces (two with swings etc) within walking distance. At least we would be able to whip him home quckly if he became irritable or the weather deteriorated instead of having to ring her to come and fetch him. She responded saying she will think about it.

I agree with luckygirl casting my mind back to being a young mum,my first daughter and my dad had died at the same time,my MIL was a widow and so now was mum.I could feel the need for support from both of them I had a younger brother and my then DH has two older brothers no other women in the family.I was then at 25 thrown into a situation of caring for both mum and MIL,I had already lived in a home where my dad had chronic health problems which fed into my anxieties.Two other difficult pregnancies followed and mum and MIL where both very needy I felt claustrophobic as I had my own problems with PND.I found it hard to bond with MIL as I a feeling of being the one who would have to care for both mums should ill health arise with both and it did I am not proud of how I panicked and tried to keep MIL at arms length I was absolutely terrified of ill health after witnessing my dads problems being already depressed heightened this feeling of being trapped....only now I realise if I could have rationalised my feelings I could have acted differently ...hindsight is a wonderful thing....louisamay I feel for you I look after a 2year old sons OH little girl for 12 hours it is exhausting....however I do take her to the library and we have built that into our routine...the sections in the library allow you to sit whilst you lovely husband can help him choose books for nanny to look at,he could have his own library card I have been teaching A take out and return her books as a little activity as she loves pressing the buttons and putting books in the box and getting ticket etc,an hour can go very quietly and pleasantly this way xxxxxxx

Do let us know what you decide to do on Monday.

Your DS saying that his wife has low self esteem is a very good explanation of her apparent strangeness towards you. She will feel threatened by things that most people don't regard as threatening in the least. That is not her fault. If you sail on an even keel, give her plenty of leeway, that is, make allowances for her low self esteem and its horrible effect of making her feel threatened by minor things. Poor woman. I feel sorry for her. I hope she eventually gets help boosting her self esteem. Poor self esteem causes all manner of problems for a person

i think I meant the nautical expression 'even keel' but brain got wires crossed.