Have I got a choice?

X post !

even key ???

Ha ha Eleothan...I didn't mean 'evil key'. Must be a Freudian slip!!

Do keep in touch with us louisamay and I do hope you can find a resolution. I agree that dil needs to open up about what is bugging her although if it is jealousy that will be difficult to admit to.

Eleorhan
Thank you for your post. There has been a lot of brain racking going on in this household! We are always very circumspect in regard to what we say to our DIL. To be honest we have trod on eggshells for a long time in order to keep things on an evil key. My DS has said that she has a low self esteem and often misconstrues any disagreement as a personal attack. I can't really comment except to say she has launched a verbal attack on DH and myself in the past for a minor misunderstanding. Haven't a clue why she behaving like this now. I don't have to be her bosom pal but I would like to have a relationship where we can be at least pleasant to each other, it doesn't take much after all.

I think the DIL is upset that Louisamay's son was so concerned and caring about his mother's stay in hospital. I suspect that she felt that in all things she and her child should be the most important thing and was shocked that her husband put his parents' problems first. Sorry to think this but I've seen it happen.

I haven't read the whole of this thread but my initial reaction is that the first page seems to be rather critical of louisemay who doesn't appear to have done anything to deserve the "cold shoulder". I can quite understand why she is upset.

It seems a bit of a mystery to me. Do you think something might have happened while you were in hospital louisemay that upset her? Have you racked your brains to consider whether there is possibly something you (or your partner, if you have a partner) have, perhaps inadvertently, done or said to upset her?

I agree with those that say for the time being it might be best, if at all possible, to go along with the arrangement she suggests. I would be very tempted to ask her at some point whether you have upset her in any way because you have noticed that she seems annoyed with you. This, of course, runs the risk of inflaming the situation more so it's something you would have to think about very carefully because you don't want to find yourself excluded from your grand child's life.

Chrcol
I am so sorry for you predicament. People can be very cruel. When I hear of situations like this it makes me truly wish that Karma exists.

Vampirequeen.
I had no problem with your post so don't be concerned. Posts that irritate are ones where the poster clearly hasn't properly read my original post but makes totally irrelevant negative comments.

Louisamay, I'm sorry if my post didn't appear sympathetic because I meant it to be. I was trying to give suggestions of things you could do where perhaps you could rest as well as play. I hope you didn't take it the wrong way. If it came across wrong, I really apologise

We have noticed that DIL's father, an educated man, will belittle and patronise his elderly mother in front of everyone at birthday/Christmas get togethers. DH and I find this embarrassing. She is an articulate and witty lady in her late 80's. DH and I tend to over compensate by engaging her a lot in conversation, much to the apparent disapproval of her son who would much rather we ignore her altogether.
Maybe DIL's behaviour was learned rather than acquired.

I totally agree Stansgran!!

I think Luckygirl has got it right.

Being ill often appears a portent of dependency to come. I have needed a huge amount of help from all my DDs whilst recovering from several health problems recently and it felt to me as though I was getting a glimpse of what might be to come, in terms of being the "looked-after" rather than the "looker-after" and it felt quite strange.

I wonder if your illness has demonstrated to DIL how much your DS cares for you and she is thinking how much time and attention you might get, should you become unwell again (or just older - as you certainly will!). Maybe she is simply jealous, and is wielding power with the best weapon she has - her child.

Families are complex things and I doubt you will ever know what is behind this - it need not be anything you have done or have failed to do, but could be reflective of your DIL's own insecurities.

I really do not think you have any choice but to go with the flow and play by her rules, and hope that the dust will gradually settle.

I am beginning to feel glad that all my offspring are female!

You have my sympathy Louisamay.

I was cast aside by my son and wife since I had spinal surgery last year. I moved here 6 yrs ago to help with childcare and had a wonderful happy relationship with my 8 yr old dgd!. Now I am not wanted in any family get togethers or allowed to see my dgd at all. The meeting in the park I had as well and it led to this. Hope you will fare better.

That is such a shame, chrcol. .

You have my sympathy Louisamay.

I have been cast aside by my son and wife since I became ill and had spinal surgery. The hurt is so great, I moved here 6 years ago to help them with childcare and have been close to my DGD who is 8 now since she was a few months old, but now I am no longer needed.

The maternal gm is in the picture at all times and I am not include6d in any family get togethers. I started off with a meeting at the park but now I never see her. So I can understand how you feel.

Just caught up. I thinkTegan has a good point. Your DS must have been worried sick when you were so very ill, and, with a boisterous, tiring toddler and possibly lack of sleep, your DiL may be surcoming to feelings she herself may not be happy with or understand and may be wishing to push them under the carpet by distancing herself. I think there may be undercurrents here that you, and possibly your DS, know nothing of - or it could simply be that she wants you to run him in the park and tire him out and that's his favourite park!

Whatever! (as they now say!) You have to work with what you have. You are obviously not happy with the meeting at that park arrangement and I agree. You are convalescing. You can't be stranded with a toddler in a park 15 minutes drive away from his home and mum when you can't drive him. You say it's not the best of parks anyway, so there's your excuse to go back and say something along the lines of yes, excellent idea ... But - you're not comfortable with that park can it be one closer to his home 'just in case' (rain etc) or better still can she drop him off at your house ('no need to come in I know you're busy - and if you give me a ring as you leave I'll have him ready for when you get here'). When can he come? And suggest a date. Be positive, stick to the times she suggested and don't give her wriggle room. If she says she can't do the date you suggest have other dates ready.

She's probably right in suggesting a short time with your DGS, you will get very tired. So suggesting a nearer park to her or your house would be much more practical. Hopefully, after a few meetings she'll stay and chat for a bit, then maybe coffee!

Reading between the lines I can see what the problem is.

The catalyst for this change seems to have been your illness. Has it perhaps triggered fears of dil's own mortality? Does she have any issues around illness? Fear of what the future might have held for her if you hadn't recovered...ie supporting your dh? Perhaps shooting the trigger(you) for these feelings is easier than dealing with them? Just casting around for more possible explanations, sorry I'm not being more helpful. I'd take what's on offer at the moment though until you feel stronger, but perhaps with a change of venue if possible. The dreaded soft play ( the noise!!!) might be a good alternative, lots to play with, not much running about and usually a cuppa and choccie bic to be had! Surely your dil can accept an alternative venue? Blame the weather, say it will be drier/warmer/cooler/more comfortable for dgs.

Hope you continue to make good progress with your health.

Thoughtful post Tegan! DH tells me DS was very upset when he saw me in the ICU as it was all so sudden. And yes , DIL could well have been jealous. My DH loves his old mum to bits and I'm all for it. Shows he is a kind and caring man. DIL sees a lot of her Mum and has often said she wished she lived nearer, so I don't think she doesn't want to spend time with her. Quite the contrary.

Louisamay, I wish you a speedy return to full recovery. Illness is very debilitating. The toddler will need lifting on and off swings and helped up slides, with a lot of chasing after in between. I think nearly two hours of that is far too long. Yes, you could feed the ducks if there is a lake, or amble along with the buggy, but would you not feel happier to have him in your own home ? That could include a stroll in your area, and lots of time for mutual bonding, looking at picture books, and just relaxing together, I don't know whether a trip to you would be further than to the park, but with unpredictable weather I think I'd rather spend the time at home, with the option of the garden and a walk that you would feel able to do. If this really is not possible, then park it is, but not for all of the allotted time. Some walking around pointing things out would be interesting for him and therapeutic for you. Best of luck and continued improvement in health.

I'm neither, why?

You're seeing your GS weekly and you have a fantastic relationship with your son. You're pushing for a relationship when there is no need to. It's making you upset so leave it alone.

Red headed Mommy. Don't mean to be rude but do you have grandchildren? Or a DIL?

But you're pushing for a relationship that isn't there. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Neither of you seem to do anything right to each other.

By all means be there for your GS and your son, be there if they need you and continue being a good nan.

Keep contact minimal towards your DIL. Be civil and keep conversations short. Just because she's your DIL doesn't mean you have to like each other.