Have I got a choice?

I agree with Deedaa that DILs emotional health sounds unsteady.

I agree that OP has little choice but to meet DIL at the park and I would do this if it's what it takes to be able to spend time with dgs. But would be concerned about cold and wet winter time in the park. Hopefully matters may improve before then.

However, I would be boiling mad inside at DIL. Such a pity that DIL cannot talk about whatever it is that is that is making a problem. Sounds to me like DIL is of a difficult nature and DS probably has his hands full.

As your DS doesn't quite understand why she is behaving like this is it possible that she is depressed and this is making her act irrationally? It sounds as if something isn't quite right. Sadly I have no suggestions about what you can do about it.

You say that you were very ill and could have died. I'm wondering how it affected your son. My husband never seemed overly fond of his mum but, when she died suddenly he was distraught and became very angry; seemed to blame me in some way. Perhaps your DIL saw a different side to him, or maybe feels jealous in some way of how much you mean to him. We sometimes forget that our sons and daughters are [even though they're now adults and parents] are still learning about life and relationships. Also, you say she sees her mother a lot; maybe her mum takes up more time than she wants and she's then playing catchup with her housework and it's easier to not see you than her mother. Things aren't always that rosy between mums and daughters.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but it's coming over strongly that you don't like your DiL. If she has been treating you like this then I can understand your dislike, after all if you keep trying and get nothing back and feel she is cutting you both out, I'd probably be the same.

But, you still are lucky enough to have a good relationship with your son. And you can still see your little GS. So take what's on offer for the moment.

There are grandparents on this forum who have been completely cut out of their children's and grandchildren's lives but happily you are not in that position.

Redheaded Mommy. We all need to concern ourselves with family relationships and try to maintain amicable rekationships. In particular, small families need to get on. We never know when we will need each other - and I should add that DIL has called on us several times when she's needed someone to watch DGS when she had to go out. By sidelining us she can make life difficult for everyone involved but she doesn't seem to care , at the moment,,,,

I should have put all my thoughts in one post but I have been out for a meal with friends and did so much talking that I am completely kn***ered and am now in bed but I wanted to respond.
One comment suggested agreeing to DIL's suggestion so that we could reach a 'truce'. Good grief what have I done??? I became ill.

Then there you go
Aslong as you are seeing them both there is no need to worry about the relationship with your DIL.

Red headed Mommy. I got ill at the end of March. Been home since mid May. I didn't see DGS for six weeks and he had changed of course , but he remembered me. DS is brilliant bringing him round and he makes a special effort to do so. I count myself lucky to have such a thoughtful son.

Far North. I often compliment DIL on what a lovely son they have and what a credit he is to her. I am just so tired of all this. I have thought of suggesting that we collect DGS from the house and take him in buggy to a swing park very near where they live. It is actually more pleasant than the town park where some dubious characters hang around. In fact there are many open green spaces within a short walk from their house. At least if it rained or he got irritable we could get him home relatively quickly instead of ringing her to pick him up. We don't have a car seat so we couldn't drive him home. We once broached the subject as we thought it would be nice to take him out occasionally, but the idea was rejected out of hand. We both have clean licences and drive responsibly . We never pursued that one.

Thanks again for all your comments. Do you know I am almost 'scared' not to agree to DIL's terms unless she kicks off as she has done before (see above) I am no shrinking violet but I have always trod carefully since DGS was born as I was aware it could be a minefield.

Merlotgran - thank you! I was beginning to feel like I was an ogre of a mother in law who's DIL had sidelined her due to her nasty behaviour.
You have no idea how many hoops we have jumped through and how much rudeness DH and I have endured for the sake of maintaining the status quo. When I was in intensive care DS invited DH round for a takeaway meal after he returned from the hospital and DIL virtually ignored him. Who behaves like that?! DH said he couldn't wait to eat his meal and leave. Apparently DS was very embarassed and spoke to her later but she said he was being over sensitive about his dad. That's what we are dealing with. And yet I live in hope of getting back on track. What kind of fool am I??

*their's. Sorry this stupid phone

Do you see it as 'his' house and not 'thiers?' He has lived there for 10 years and she moved in 3 years ago. None of that needed mentioning. If you've said anything along those lines she might of took offence?
something has obviously happened for her not to want to spend time with you one on one.

If her DS is clingy and she's trying to get on with work there is no way she will get anything done if he knows she's there.

You wanted to see him to help out, she's offered it and it's not what you wanted.

I think it's sad she hasn't told her husband what's happened to change her behaviour. It might be the house is a mess. It might be she will get no work done.

If your DGS is 18 months now and you have been ill say 6 months, he was only 12 months when you would visit. That is a big gap. They are 2 different ages. He is a toddler now and not a baby. He will of changed a lot!

You're seeing your son and your DGS, just go with it for now.

Harrigran - no chance I would turn up at the house and expect to stay!!! That would be weird as we have our own house in the same town and I have a lovely DH of 40 years who has looked after me wonderfully since I came out of hospital. I made DH laugh when I read out your post...

OMG Janerowena - do people REALLy comment about grease on their DIL's cooker (or similar?) Jeepers, this woman has known me for five years and I have never made comments - just not me and so far off track. This has all come about since my spell in hospital and hand on heart neither I, nor DH or son have a clue where it's come from. All I can say is that she had a screaming fit at us one day last year when we rang the doorbell instead of knocking! Hard to believe but it seemed to be a major issue, almost like she wanted an excuse to have a go. If it wasn't for us overlooking her rudeness and shouting, I think our relationship with her would have died a long time ago. Is it wrong to want a reasonable uncomplicated relationship within a small family, as we are??

louisemay. I'm sorry to hear you've been so ill, but it seems you are making a good recovery. You are indeed fortunate to see your grandson & your son for a couple of hours each week.

Meeting in the park sounds fine. If you feel it is too physically demanding for you at present, then say so.

Be content with what you have. It is more than many have.

I do sympathise with louisamay but don't see how the situation can be improved if her DS and DiL can't talk about it between themselves.
We don't know what pressures they might be feeling and it sounds as though louisamay doesn't either, so she can really only accept the situation as offered, it seems to me.

She can, of course, compliment the DiL on her lovely son and how well she is looking after him, as well as showing pleasure at spending time with him.

Golly Merlot- I totally agree, and I think most here do and really sympathise. But we are talking about a way forward which will not lead to an excuse to stop contact with the GCs- which it seems maybe what dil wants. Asking DS to take sides is asking for trouble to my mind. Show willing and let her win this one- asking DH/partner to support to make it a success- and it may well lead to a truce and better access long-term.

I have total sympathy with Louisamay and feel her pain.

Heck! Am I the only one who sympathises with louisamay? Some of this is about her. She has been very ill and surely has some status within the family dynamic?

I think the DIL is being selfish and uncaring and is obviously using the child as emotional ammo.

I'm b*****ed if I'd want to be traipsing round a park early in the morning if I wasn't firing on all cylinders.

I think the only person who can sort this out is her DS.

It makes my blood boil when grandparents are treated like doormats

louisamay, I understand you feel you are not physically well enough to deal with an 18 month old child on your own, even if he is in a pushchair.
As this is the only option being offered, tho, is it possible to take someone with you?

I agree with others, this most likely is not about you so all you can do is put up and shut up.

Harrigran a friend of mine's MiL did that to her - not only that, but one of her daughters had kindly given up her room as it was nicer than the tiny guest room. In the end, she was the one who evicted her grandma by telling her that school started next week and she wanted her room back! She had been there for six weeks, and wasn't even ill.

Are there indoor places in the park that you could use if the weather isn't so good?

Are there ducks and/or other animals? You could make feeding the ducks part of his routine. Everyone (well nearly everyone) likes to feed ducks.

Could you take a rug and some toys so that you can sit for a while but still play with him when the weather is nice?

It's difficult but I don't see what else you can do atm. If you say no then your DIL could say she offered and you didn't bother. If your DS makes a fuss it could lead to friction at home which wouldn't be good for your DGS.

I think you'll just have to bite the bullet, see your DGS on her terms and hope that in the future she eases up a bit.

Years ago my MIL had an operation and was being discharged from hospital but FIL was still at work, I invited her to come to our house thinking she would only be with us a day or two. My MIL stayed 8 weeks and did not want to go home, she even started suggesting that she might stay permanently if we built an extension. I am just telling you this as perhaps an explanation as to why your DIL is wary.

It may be that she feels pressured to keep the house tidier if you are coming round - I know that's how I felt with my MiL. If you are working or have a small child, the last thing you need is an MiL saying' Did you know you could reach that grease under your cooker with a sharp knife?' especially since I hadn't even noticed it was there! Or turning my washing up bowl over to inspect the base...

Lucky girl - I'm making good progress. Full recovery soon. Not walking with a stick. Clean living and God fearing. Have to joke or I'd cry.....