Have I got a choice?

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Relationships are such a minefield . I hope it's helped you to realise that so many of us are treading on eggshells the whole time. Please update us from time to time; we all learn from each others problems .

DS bringing DGS to our house has only happened since I came out of hospital. I had difficulty walking so it went without saying that I couldn't go to their house. The current arrangement is for a couple of hours on Saturdays. We said DIL is welcome (as always) to come but she declined as she uses the time to 'catch up.' If we were 'allowed' to go and visit DGS - which could happen as I am making good progress - then it's unlikely DS would bring DGS here at the weekend. I am very aware that it cuts into his 'free time' but he seems happy and it was him that suggested it originally.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. Some were helpful and constructive and some not....
I will not be posting further.

Thinking about it over the past few days I wondered if DIL resented the fact that her husband and child spent part of the weekend with the OP feeling that weekends should be 'family time'? I must say that I'd be quite happy to see my grandchild every week for a couple of hours; it's usually every three to four weeks.

I do hope that your health is continuing to improve Louiseamay and that the problems you are having are not hindering your recovery.

Your original post mentions problems with your d.i.l. when your GS was just a few months old; her "distant and sometimes rude" behaviour but you go on to say that after a period of time this seemed to resolve itself and that it was your recent illness that bought about the re occurrence. It would seem therefore that your illness is not the issue here, but rather as has already been mentioned jealousy.

Jealousy is not described as 'a green eyed monster' for nothing, it is a very destructive force that can destroy relationships, even those between parents and children as I know only too well as it's our d.i.l.'s jealousy of the relationship I had with my son, that has resulted in him cutting us out of his life and the life of our only GC.

How do I know this? because she told me so. Before they were married she told me that she had been jealous of our relationship but she now realised that our closeness was a good thing and that she was over it; sadly that wasn't the case and her 'distant and sometimes rude behaviour' became even more pronounced when their child was born.

Whatever her issues may be, there is no justification for sidelining you and her apparent insensitivity. Why on earth, if this is the case, should a woman be jealous because her husband is close to his mother? Surely it's a good thing to have the man in your life show his love and concern for his mother especially at times of ill health. My DH is very close to his mum, he sees her twice a week, he is a wonderful caring man and devoted husband and if that is in part because of the close relationship he has with his mother, I am grateful for it.

I do agree that you are fortunate to have retained the relationship you have with your son and are able to see your GC regularly, I also agree that you should try and accommodate your d.i.l. as best you can but, within reason. Doesn't that sound crazy 'you are fortunate', why should it ever be a matter of good fortune that parents keep their relationships with their adult children when they marry and have children of their own, when it should be the most natural thing in the world.

Faye "if either of us had a personality disorder or belligerent personality and didn't give a toss what we said or how we treated each other, we wouldn't be a well functioning family" how right you are. We were for nearly 30 years but sadly are no more.

MILs*

Some people are difficult, whether they are MILs, DILs and the like. It won't matter what you say or do louisemay your DIL may have issues, most probably learned behaviour. Her father treats his mother in an aggressive manner in front of other people. Normal functioning people would find this type of behaviour very strange but it seems DIL's family allow it to happen. To them it's okay to treat an elderly woman in this manner, not even realising or caring that it is disturbing behaviour.

If I was in your position I would enjoy the visits in your home with your DS and GS. If your DIL wishes to come along, she would be welcome. If you are invited to their home go along. I would not phone DIL and ask to spend time with your GS. I would only let her know that the park is not suitable, but that it is fine you will catch up another time and leave it at that. There is nothing else you can do louisemay, don't make yourself ill tying to understand DIL's behaviour.

Pinkjenstar you would have to be very naive to imagine it is always MIL's who are difficult. Some people are hard to get on with, they will be difficult DIL's and just as difficult MILs. I say this as a MIL who gets on very, very well with my DIL. Some of it's luck, she is a very intelligent woman with a lot of energy. My DS has married the love of his life and I am very grateful, I want them to be happy. I have also made sure she has felt part of the family and always treated her much the same as my DDs from the very beginning. It has worked very well for us but I know if either of us had a personality disorder or a belligerent personality and didn't give a toss what we said or how we treated each other, we wouldn't be a well functioning family.

I think louisamay's own very measured and unruffled responses to some quite unpleasant comments suggest that she is not an unreasonable person.

We are not privvy to the whole family dynamic and, of course, there are two sides to every story. However, I think that to say that a person is using their recent severe illness to try and manipulate those around her is a rather spiteful comment and I can't see on what basis such a conclusion has been reached. It seems that some people are projecting their own difficult experiences with mothers-in-law onto this situation, which isn't very rational or useful. Every family is different - some mothers-in-law are lovely, some are not - and the same goes for daughters-in-law.

Please don't try to give your DiL any sort of ultimatum. You could end up finding yourself like some of the Grandparents on this forum, who have lost all contact with their grandchildren.

Sorry, iPad again... I meant to say it's NOT you, it's her.

Good post GillT, it was what I was going to say myself.I would not go along with the park meetings louisamay. you have had a bad time with this DIL, time may help, or may not.It's not you, it's her, so while keeping channels open with her ( ie. No rows) there's not much more you can do. I agree with Luckygirl's take on the situation, there is jealousy on DIL's part .The little boy should be at your house for a while or at hers and only in the park if you want that.

I think the posts on this thread have engendered a reasonable discussion of a difficult subject. 'Help' in such situations can, and often does, include things a person doesn't want to hear. I have experienced mainpulative behaviour from relatives (not mothers-in-law) that was similar to that which the OP's comments have sometimes appeared to show. The recent posts suggesting the OP makes the most of the regular contact she has with her son and grandson and, in effect, leaves her DiL alone seem very sensible and, though at times critical, certainly not aggressive.

Actually there is room for another perspective. I can't altogether disagree with those whose comments have been attacked as 'rude', 'uncalled for' ' unkind' and 'agressive'.

They are no such thing. There is always two sides to situations like this.

I agree * Eloethan* relationships are not a one way street. Becoming a MIL, on both sides is a steep learning curve and requires understanding, tolerance and sometime, self reflection.
x

I really think some of these remarks are rude and uncalled for.

Thatdil - You have taken the words out of my mouth as this was the interpretation I had of the situation. However I would go further and say that it comes across as though the recent illness is being used as a means of manipulating the situation further as OP expectation is Dil should consider this and would not be unreasonable to expect similar conversations with ds.

I would urge you to proceed with caution, accept and embrace the contact you have. If you care deeply for your son and grandson don't put their family under strain by criticizing your dil. She has made some effort and we can't always have things our own way, you are being unreasonable trying to provoke disharmony to promote your own wants.

My own mil has done the same things as you and my dh behaved in the same way as your son for the first eight years of our relationship. It got too much for me in the end and I asked for a divorce and meant it. That was the catalyst for my dh to evaluate his behaviour and how he dealt with his mother's demands, he realised that there was a total lack of respect for his little family on her part and that he had taken for granted I would never leave, she used illness to manipulate too. If you are not careful you could lose everything just as my mil did.

I have read this right through, and I feel really sorry for OP, not just for the unreasonable and unfathomable treatment louisamay is getting from her DIL but from some rather unkind comments on the thread. As for pinkjenstar your comment was aggressive and uncalled for. This forum is for help, understanding, suggestions and support and not for attack. For what my opinion is worth, I think DIL is behaving unfairly and irrationally with no reason that I can fathom. I would never have 'dumped' my son in the park with my MIL with no means of getting him home, especially if, as she says, the child is having separation issues. Perhaps explain that the Monday park visit is too risky for DGS and for you due to your health, and just stick to visits from your son and grandson at home. I wish you a good recovery from what must have been a terrifying time, and for what it is worth, I think you and DH have shown remarkable restraint in the face of such appalling rudeness.

Oh dear. I'm sorry you were ill, and I'm glad to hear you are on the mend.

As unpopular as I am about to become, I see one common issue throughout your posts that could be the reason DIL is distancing herself. There seems to be an awful lot of conversations between you, your DH and DS about DIL's behaviour. There also seems to be a fair bit of "tattling" by you and your DH to DS. I know you believe DS would never repeat any of these conversations to her, but honestly if they have a strong relationship, the kind you should want him to have, he absolutely does repeat every word to her.

If I were DIL in this situation I would also distance myself. However, her biggest problem is not you or your DH, it is DS. He needs to stop starting and/or humouring these conversations. She likely feels ganged up on by you three. She's not wrong.

If you can, I would also stop the "grandma competitions". You get weekly visits of a few hours, other grandma gets longer, non-weekly visits. Things can never be 50/50, but it actually sounds to me like they're pretty close. In fact, your DIL is even accommodating your request for more time. You just don't like the location. I believe you have valid concerns, but I don't believe they get to dictate where the visits take place. If the park your DIL suggested doesn't work, and it sounds like it doesn't right now, then just carry on with your other weekly visits.

Speaking of which, try to get over the "DS's house" issue. They have been living there for three years. They are raising their child there. It is just as much her place as his. I've never met you but your attitude on this comes through quite clearly.

While I don't think DIL is directing her anger appropriately at you, it is likely these DIL bashing conversations that are causing her attitude. She should be upset with DS, and I hope she will call him to task on it. In the meantime, I would suggest that you stop complaining, gossiping, tattling, and otherwise talking badly about her to your DS. If he brings her up, I suggest you change the topic. Because it's either you and your DH constantly complaining, or it's your DS playing both sides. Either way, DIL is left with three people critiquing and complaining about her every move, who then wonder why she doesn't want to spend more time with them.....

I agree 100% with thatbags. Enjoy the time you have with DGs and DS - leave DIL to get one with it. Look after yourself and don't fret the "small stuff" as they say. Hey once a week is great and with your son as well - many should be so lucky. Early morning park run is out of the question and let it be known that that is totally unreasonable. We grans have to be able to stand up for our own well being in the face of unreasonable (intentional or otherwise) demands from our Dil's or Sil's. Don't be afraid to say "no" - bullies bank on compliance and whatever her reasons/excuses are she is actually bullying you and it's not nice. So stand firm. IMHO

Since you see your GS every week anyway, why not just say you can't manage the park thing and leave it at that?

No, Just pulled it down.

Does it have to be park ....how about the library...is there one near

No cafe or Playbarn - just dubious toilets where dubious folk hang out!
DIL hasn't thought it through - but what do I know?!

The park certainly doesn't seem in the least bit satisfactory to me. Did you say 15 minutes drive from her house louisa? And you with no means of getting him home if you feel poorly, he gets upset for any reason or it rains? Is there a cafe or play barn there? Otherwise not at all practical.

While you're still recuperating surely she would agree to dropping him at your house for a couple of hours maybe once a fortnight? She doesn't have to come inside.

Either that or you just see him with your DS when he can bring him round.

You have been seriously ill and have come through it so you must realise that life is much too short for all this soul searching. For reasons unexplained your DIL may never warm towards you. There is nothing you can do about that so you should stop wasting precious energy worrying about it and concentrate on building your relationship with your GS so that he looks forward to seeing you.

I think you are lucky that you can see him every week for a couple of hours as distance prevents me doing that with my GC. Also, it sounds like your DH can accompany you if you went to the park so, again, you are fortunate.

The park meeting may not be your ideal but sometimes we cannot have our own way. If it is the only offer on the table, and you decline, you may end up being the loser in the long term.

Whatever you decide I wish you well and hope you recover completely from your illness very soon.