Help: my daughter fell in love with the son of a self made (200 million pound turnover) millionaire. They fell in love when they were sixteen and it never crossed my mind how complicated that legacy would be in the future.
It did start with the wedding: I thought it was funny that although we had put half towards (one) of the venues, paid for the flowers and (one) of the modes of transport, and paid for the dress, that, apparently, I heard his parents had spent £50,000. It didn't look that expensive, but then, you never know. My partner did the photography and I made a book, a fairy tale of their romance which culminated in their meeting at Glastonbury. I thought how beautiful.
It was sad that apparently when my new son in law took pics of me and my partner and my daughter that for some reason they were overexposed while the photos of his mum and dad bloomed out. At the time it didn't occur to me that the reason rich people are rich is not because they are inherently superior it's that they don't give credit fairly or equally. It didn't occur to me that my new son in law was under massive pressure from his parents.
I began to realise as time went on that they weren't interested in me, they wanted my daughter but it wasn't just that they wanted to alienate her from me. They were always nice: during my daughter's and their son's courtship they'd taken them on holiday, going around the world, I bought little presents, like pocket tour guides for their whole family, thinking how lovely, wanting to participate. When they were in their post graduate time they offered to buy a flat that they could live in: wow I thought, how wonderful, how lovely. When it came to their marriage, before the marriage they said that they wanted to buy a property for them: it would be their gift, a living legacy. They bought a half a million pound house for them: at the time I thought, wow, this is amazing.
But it really isn't amazing. Although my daughter and my son in law are brilliant, clever and accomplished and have good jobs the house that thy've lived in for the past six years still belongs to the company. It hasn't been given to them (yet) and they're kind of living rent free in a property that his mother has controlled since they moved in: repairs, decorating, interior design and furnishing are all 'don't worry yourselves about that: we'll get someone in to do that'. It's a kind of weird control: they don't own the house and the big holidays are all determined by his parents. So they aren't independent and it doesn't look as if they'll ever be independent unless they stand up to his parents. I have gone up to see them every week since my grandson was born, he's now four and it's been so lonely for me: his parents have paid for an expensive nursery (so they can both go back to work-it seemed 'kind' but now I think it's about control). They were both studying for their phds: all was smooth and calm when my son in law completed his: when it came to my daughter completing hers my sister in law decided that urgent house repairs (including scaffolding) needed to be done, decorating re carpettting etc. This has caused real problems between me and my daughter as it seems that it can't be discussed fairly. When she was finishing her phd I helped her with her footnotes and bibliography. It was a massive job and she said 'let's meet up after the viva, just you and I'. We were supposed to meet the following Sunday. What actually happened was that I didn't hear from my daughter until a text message alerting me to the fact that his parents would also be there. It was weird and arriving to meet them I felt that they were trying to prevent us from being alone. My daughter loves her husband with all her heart but actually, he's a brat (very responsible and upright and conforming but terrified of his parents and jealous of my relationship with my daughter because his parents are so invasive). My relationship with my daughter is now false and hypocritical: I love them but I hate the way they're being made to live. I've tried to raise this with my daughter but we always fall out.
Last week was the final straw: I'd gone over (an hour each way on the train plus bus rides, and nursery pick up, as you do). My daughter had put together a hamper for mother's day. I was surprised and pleased until I realised that the mother's day hamper had been put together to buy me off- they were all going skiing the following week and noone had bothered to let me know in advance, even though they'd known for a couple of months. I've always had a strong and direct relationship with my daughter but little by little her husband's family are prioritising their lives (and not needing to demean themselves by offering me the courtesy of letting me know that they wanted to go skiing. I wouldn't have minded: I don't mind but it's the exclusion and the sneakiness that's driving a wedge between my daughter. They have two other children (a daughter who is incredibly bright and who has had a really wild few years before 'settling down' with another millionaire's son (who'd caused her major problems in the past). The other son has learning difficulties and has a girlfriend who also has learning difficulties: he's been posting on facebook about how sad he is because he isn't allowed to take his girlfriend skiing. It's like my relationship is like a servant: a function and I am not permitted to think that our past: the way I buy, cook, think, live bears no relation to the life they live. The problem is it isn't their choice it's defined for them by his parents.
Help! What can I do to make this better?
I am thinking that maybe you are a very strong person soapso and I am sure you are capable of handling the In Laws. Perhaps you scare them to death!