Hoping for too much?

I agree with Bagatelle. I prefer to dwell on the happy memories. I know my Dad, in particular, wouldn't want me to remember the day he died, though as it was the Ides of March, it's quite hard to forget. I say Happy Birthday to them every year.

I have often observed that when people are hurt there is no attitude, nor anything anyone can say or not say, which will be enough to alleviate the pain.

Think about your friends, however. Are they mean or cruel? Would you have been friends with them had they been so? If not, then do not judge them harshly as you don't know what their motivation was and it might have been kindly meant not to speak so as not to upset or remind you of something painful.

Most people are kindly and good hearted even if they can be forgetful or diffident.

I don't want to think about my parents' deaths. Those dates go past me, but their birthdays and other happy times are still part of my life. Maybe it's my way of coping.

I often look at my two youngest grandsons and wish that my parents could have seen them. I know they couldn't possibly have lived that long, but I'm sure they would have loved them.

Katek sorry to hear your feeling sad, it's my dear dads anniversary of his passing on 1st May and my mums on the 5th ( 9 years apart) I will go to the chapel to look at the book of remembrance and light a candle and put flowers on the grave then sit on the bench with a take away coffee and chat to them. Neither of my daughters will remember the dates,I don't tell them in advance as don't want them to feel they HAVE to join me. As I'm an only child and divorced it would be nice if one or both of them remembered or even just mentioned the date but there lives are busy with young families I just accept it and remember them my own way, but it does upset me as they were close.

I love that poem, too, Angela1961. It's by EE Cummings, and very apt:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Thank you for reminding me of it!

Katek
As some have already said we are all so very different and react in different ways. I am finding it really sad as I get older that there are so few people who remember my mother because she died such a long time ago and the saddest thing of all for me was my younger sister saying she couldn't really remember her at all. I think it is entirely possible that these sad events get blocked out as a kind of protective mechanism but it is a shame that for some even the happy memories seem to have been blotted out too.

nannaMM2006 How nice to be near enough to do that, all going out for a meal together sounds a lovely idea.

My dear Mum died 35 years ago, 3 days before what would have been her 60th birthday. My dear father died aged 84 having had a dicky heart for 50 years! We as a family do remember but dont contact each other, though one of us may post something on FB. Dad left a bequest to have a mass said for them both which we all attend (sad to say only two times a year any of us go to church). We then all go out for dinner and have a good time, which they both would have loved. We get together as a family several times a year and are always reminiscing as we had a very happy if very poor, materialistically, childhood.

there have been some lovely thoughts and sentiments posted on this subject. Yes it is a personal thing and sometimes I think am I the only person who thinks about my mum and dad, gone 9 years and 19 years respectively, then there will be a light hearted remark, maybe my son about his gran and I realise that we are all different but still remember in our own way. the most touching thing was when I realise my grandson still had a photo of him and my mum. He was only 5 when she died.

My father died on Valentine's Day, so it's not difficult to remember.
My mother died exactly three months later, so we remember hers as well.
However, I do wish he hadn't died on Valentine's Day, as it makes it a sad day now.

I don't remember my Mum's death date or for that any of my grandparents, I'd rather remember their birthdays & when we were happy rather than a sad date

There is a lovely poem called - I carry you in my heart. I often read it when I have thoughts of my mum, because I do carry her in my heart as many of us do for our loved ones. If just one person remembers that loved one then for that moment they are with them. You carry your mother in your heart and for you that is all that matters. She lives on in you xx

My Mum died 2 years ago , she was a massive part of all our lives and we all loved her very much . I don`t grieve much to be honest as I did everything in my power to make her last few years of illness as happy and comfortable as possible . I think it is what you do when they are here which counts more , I miss her but don`t really mark the anniversary of her death any more than any other day .

What a very sensitive reply Rubylady you are obviously a very caring person.

How lovely having fish and chips with your bro.

On the anniversary of my dad's death, I usually make myself a nice drink and nibbles and toast my dear dad as tears are running down my face.

I felt so bad last year when I suddenly realised at the end of the day that my mum had died 21 years previously and then I heard her say 'don't cry for me I want you to be happy'.

Quote - 'Grieving is the penalty we pay for love'

I think that sometimes we can deal with an anniversary of a death and sometimes we can't. I am the only one who has ever bothered doing anything for my baby brother who died at 12 hours old. I go to the cemetery, take some flowers and re do his vase, clean it off and put new flowers in and have some time talking to him about what I've been up to. At other times I have taken fish and chips and ate them there, had a flask of tea with me, visited just like I would have done had he been with me. But no-one else in the family bother, never have, even though they know that I do. As long as I do it, I don't care really.

For other anniversaries, like my beloved Auntie, I have her picture on my windowsil and on her birthday I buy some flowers and place them at the side of her photo. I expect I shall do similar for my lovely dad who I lost a month ago.

I have had friends who all the family get together and go out for meals at their mum's anniversary of her death but they always did if from the beginning. Everyone is different. Maybe drop it into conversation Katek that you were thinking of your mum and that you would like everyone to be together next year? Maybe next year you might be feeling differently about it. We are always here for you to lean on.

Hi Katek I have lost many close family members over the last several years, including my husband and both my parents. My husband's death was particularly sudden and traumatic. These loved ones were hugely important in my life. However, the actual anniversaries of their deaths may pass by unmarked because I think about and talk about the people I've lost quite a lot so I don't feel guilty if some days go by without consciously remembering them. Perhaps it's time for the memory of the tragic nature of your mother's death to recede to some extent (of course you will never forget) and for you to remember good things about her life. I often say to my children, "Your dad would've liked this, said that, done something...in these circumstances." or, "My dad always used to say..." or "Your Nanna would've had a good laugh at this..." In this way, the people we've lost are still with us because we remember the good things, fun, laughter, advice etc they contributed to our lives. Perhaps I'm particularly resilient in this way but maybe you could give yourself a break and plan something happy to do on the next anniversary of your mother's death. Maybe you could do something she liked to do but try to do it with a positive mindset. Or, don't be shocked, maybe you could try not marking that date on the calendar at all. You shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying that particular day because, after 16 years it really is just a day and you probably remember her most days and certainly not only on that one day every year. If you can't let go of that particular day, at least try not to judge or blame your family for remembering her in their own way.

Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions...i shall certainly mull them over. I don't know why I feel that things should be different just because another year has passed, waiting for time to heal perhaps?

How awful for you Charleygirl DH's cousin and his wife both died suddenly within a week of each other and that was a huge shock for the family. I'm not surprised you remember.

I had only just remembered that yesterday was the 37th anniversary of my father's death. I know his date because it was a month after his birthday, but I only have a hazy idea when my mother died without looking it up. I find I remember things we did rather than the deaths. My Mother in Law on the other hand had to be treated with kid gloves on the 22nd of each month and on every Monday because her husband died on Monday 22nd August. This went on for years although she hardly had a good word to say for him when he was alive.

My parents died within 19 days of each other nearly 37 years ago and I could tell you the date, time and circumstance of each.

For some reason I have great trouble remembering the date people close to me died. I know within a week but I am amnesic about the actual day. At first I felt quite guilty about this, because I almost always remember birhdays, wedding anniversaries etc, but after awhile, as more people dear to have died and I have the same problem with their dates of death as well, I have come to the conclusion that there is something going on deep in my subconscience which has to do with grief and rememberance. i am sure I am not the only person who has this problem.

So perhaps Katek it is not that family members have forgotten but that their subconscience does not want them to remember. My DS died in tragic circumstances and I almost have more problem remembering her anniversary than with any of the others.

I would think people are reluctant to bring sad memories. Or maybe, with busy lives, it has simply slipped their minds.

I always remember the date my father died in 1987, since it coincided with a nephew's birthday. When we knew he hadn't got long, , poor nephew who was still only about 12, said, 'I hope Grandpa doesn't die on my birthday!' But he did. Still, as my sister pointed out, it would be one way to remember a lovely Grandpa in future.

Just the other day, though, my brother emailed to say that that day (happened to be the day before g-daughter's first birthday) would have been our father's 100th birthday. I don't think it would ever have occurred to me otherwise, even if I hadn't been busy making fairy cakes for little Gd's party. But we all wished 'the old man' a happy birthday - it seemed a happy time to remember him.

Katek I'm sorry this has caused you so much hurt.

Not remembering the exact day of someone's death doesn't, I think, imply a lack of caring. I think about my Dad and Granddad every day but I couldn't tell you the exact date they died on.

Also, you say the circumstances of your Mum's death were especially upsetting and perhaps people are unsure as to whether they should risk resurrecting some very unhappy memories. Personally, I think it is better not to avoid expressing sadness, but they may feel more comfortable broaching the subject if you say something first.

We all just prefer our own thoughts on my brothers death in 1989. I do hate it every birthday and date of death is mentioned on a social media site by my sister in law, many years into another relationship

Sorry I didn't see this post yesterday Katek. The other posters have said what I thought. Thinking about next year could you plan some sort of memorial activity? That way people could be sure that you're OK about talking about it.
I saw a nice thing in the Botanics in Edinburgh, it was a park bench decorated with roses. Seemingly the family made that a place to meet to think about their late Mum/Gran etc. Is there a special place your Mum liked maybe?

The 39 th anniversary of my mums death was this month. I no longer feel the pain of grief. It feels like the memory and grief have been absorbed into me, become part of me. Does that make sense? I remember her with great gratitude and love on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. My daughter has her names as her middle name. ( she was born 15 months after) It's a very old fashioned name and she never uses it, but on the day of her wedding it was used and it made me feel as if mum was part of the day and still part of my family. It took a long time before I felt this way. Perhaps your family still find it difficult and don't want to upset you Katek at the 16 year point I still felt the searing pain of loosing her on special anniversaries. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea now and ring my sister and talk about my mum perhaps you could do that next week and gently say. " I was remembering my mum last week." for you.