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Tricky friend

(14 Posts)
meandashy Sat 14-May-16 20:36:38

I have been good friends with a lady 20 yrs my senior since we worked together. I'm 44. Recently she has upset me several times. She's incentive I feel. The other week she said I'd be pretty if I lost weight! My issue today is her absolute refusal to believe a famous singer could possibly have committed the crimes he's being investigated for & even if he has those 'people ' have left it far too long to complain! She already knew I'd been abused as a kid & I didn't get justice as I couldn't go through with an investigation. The person in question is in the paper again today & she started again with 'its been too long, they should have kept quiet' etc etc & I snapped! I said rather too loudly for a public place that I had been abused & I couldn't have this conversation with her again! ! She's obsessed. I'm hurt by her insensitivity and now feel the need to explain again how hurtful her comments are & how hard it is for abuse victims to speak about it never mind report it. It is putting me off arranging any more meet ups.
Please help ?

annsixty Sat 14-May-16 20:46:19

Can only offer you flowers for your hurt.

Cherrytree59 Sat 14-May-16 21:00:16

Meandashy she is not a good friend.
Perhaps look for friends closer in age or at least on your wave length.
Next time you meet try to just smile and raise above her comments.
Do not feel you have give her any explanation re your personal experience.
May be you could talk this over with a counselor , to help with past issues.
I'm sure you could google a victim support near to your home.

Unfortunately there are always going to be reminders on TV or in newspapers
So perhaps you could take this as a little nudge to get some help towards a little peace.

Alea Sat 14-May-16 21:02:12

She doesn't sound much like a friend.
If she will not acknowledge how she has hurt you when you explain rationally and calmly how insensitive she has been. I would cut your losses and kick her into the long grass. Do try to have the conversation before doing anything hasty, though.

GarlicCake Sat 14-May-16 21:03:49

Well done on speaking out!

It might not be possible to explain, I'm afraid. This happened when the Jimmy Savile stuff started coming out - or, rather, when he was dead and it started being discussed. You know how people idolise their idols (!) It's a bit like telling a firm believer that the water at Lourdes is actually a bit crap and they've been mugged off for the money.

Depending on how you value this friendship, it might be wisest to go for an "agree to disagree" on this. Hopefully the stories will be proved (I believe them) and of course it's personally symbolic to you.

Some people just can't take the nastier facts of life. I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with everyone who's been forced to look those facts in the eye ... but I've long since given up trying to reveal them to those whose lives have been more protected!

As you know, speaking out is a positive step. For you, for those victims, and for the many who have yet to speak. It's up to whether you continue to be friends with those who can't "hear" you.

meandashy Sat 14-May-16 22:46:41

Thanks for your messages. I really value our friendship otherwise I'd have cut her loose a while back.
I will try and speak to her next time we meet. I'm not convinced she says stuff out of badness, just incentive.
I have wondered if maybe she has a dementia type condition starting. Having worked with people who have dementia I can see how people can speak without thinking ?

Alea Sat 14-May-16 23:19:47

Sounds more lIke bl**dy tactless to me, than dementia. There is a type of person who says"I speak as I find" or "Not being rude, but...." and goes on to say the most appalling things.

f77ms Sat 14-May-16 23:45:13

What do you mean by incentive ?
Some people are just very tactless , if you want to stay friends with this lady you are going to have to be blunt and tell her you do not want to discuss the things which obviously upset you . I really believe that some people are just insensitive to others feelings and just don`t `pick up` on clues that other people find easy to pick up on . She is maybe not doing it out of malice and has no idea how much this is bothering you xx

Elrel Sun 15-May-16 00:17:59

So sorry that someone you considered a friend should be so insensitive to you and to other victims of abuse. For now I think you should concentrate on other relationships and give yourself time to heal.
She will probably contact you after a while, hopefully in a spirit of humble apology and to try to mend your broken friendship. Whether this might be possible is entirely in your hands.
Wishing you peace and space to put a reminder of bad things past behind you. All good wishes ?

meandashy Sun 15-May-16 08:19:52

Thank you for all your advice ladies ?

rafichagran Sun 15-May-16 12:53:59

I agree with Alea, I know people who
say, I tell it how it is. What they do not realise is they are just bloody rude. Also if you do it to them they are the first to be offended.

ElaineI Sun 15-May-16 13:20:26

There are a lot of people who open their mouth and anything comes out without any idea that it could be hurtful or not PC or just that they are ignorant of the facts. My mother can be like this and it seems to get worse as she gets older. Sometimes I tell her and sometimes it's not worth it. Your friend is a bit young for that though. I do think that you should receive some help for your awful experience in the past and I am so sorry that this happened to you and you were unable to get justice.
As for all the cases in the paper - I am horrified that these things happened when I was growing up. Because it would never ever enter my head that anyone would even think of doing awful things to a child (or adult) it all seems horrific. I used to like JS and what he did has made me think twice about my childhood which seems to have been very innocent and naive!
As for your friend - you have to weigh up how much you value her friendship whether you tackle her or not. Maybe a gentle hint that she has hurt you might make her think before opening her mouth?

meandashy Thu 19-May-16 16:10:18

I have been agonising all week & have avoided her if I'm honest. I don't have the energy to explain myself & don't want an argument either! I don't think she will take it well & think she will see anything I say as a slight ?
Maybe next week when I've some energy I'll invite her for a coffee somewhere outside my home so I can walk away if needs be.
You've all been very supportive & I thank you ?

Newquay Thu 19-May-16 23:18:48

Hope it all works out Menadashy
How strange, I always thought JS was creepy although I could never have explained what that meant at the time.