Fuming!

Well done Bijou! Clearly you are brilliant and stalwart. However OP's mum seems to be more fragile hence OP's post and dismay her rather more fragile mother is being put on a coach. Clearly OP's concerns are both the disregard her brother has for his mother and her safety coming home.

"Tell him He will have to keep her until the following Sunday"

!!! Bit shocked at that remark. Tbh.

chelseababy I think, given the distance you live from your mum, you do the best you can, especially as you're still working.

I also have to say it probably depends on the type of relationship someone had with their parent. My mother and I didn't have a great relationship, my sister had a better one with her so she did the bulk of caring. Once my mother died I didn't contest anything my sister wanted or did.

I've got two brothers who live near my 88 year old mum. They take her shopping and to appointments. Arrange plumbers etc and visit a couple of times a week. I live about 100 miles away and visit for a couple of days every 5 weeks or so (still working part time) Im not sure i really do my "share"

You sound like a lovely lady, Mo. I hope you got something sorted out.

Yes, ask you mum, she might enjoy having a bit of independence. After all she only has to get on the coach and get off again the other side.

So what happened Mobrown?

So annoying and hurtful when this sort of thoughtless /selfish situation happens. What if you had been at an event on Saturday that made it difficult for you to pick your mum up from the coach?
If I were you I would go with what upsets mum least then I would , when I was less annoyed, write to bro and say that 'shared' care of mum means he and his wife have her for x weeks so that you and your DH can do a few of the things he and his wife do most of the time!

I do not blame you for being fuming!

When my parents were elderly us 3 siblings all did our share to support them in our own different ways and it would never have occurred to us to do otherwise. I am sorry that your brother (and his wife) do not take the same attitude. How very annoying for you, and indeed upsetting for your Mum. I am sorry to be a bit sick here, but I bet that your brother will be first in the queue for his legacy when that sad time comes.

We had some problems with my OH's side of the family when his sis offered to have widowed FIL live with her abroad - which caused astonishment as they did not get on at all. After a couple of years we received a call to say that FIL was dying and wanted to come home and as there was nowhere else for him to go, he came to us. It was immediately apparent that he was in fine health but had just had a falling out over there. It took months for me to find him proper accommodation during which time things were not easy! - he was a VERY difficult man! Long story short, it turned out that when he went to my SIL to live he paid them £000s towards their home renovations in return!! Hmm!

Comes to something when coach companies do more for the elderly and infirm than their own children are prepared to do. I am absolutely terrified of becoming older, my son and his partner are bone selfish and I don't want to be that 'burden' to anyone but really what is wrong with people now?

A son ought to be able to put himself out a bit for his mother, maybe his wife will treat him with blatant disregard w hen he is older and not so steady on his feet, what sort of marriages do people have that seem to rely solely on what suits them and sod everyone else.

There is no status given to those who care for others in our society not unless it is some stupid TV thing like Red Nose day where people raise money to feel good about themselves, the real 'care' is done be people of good hope and immense patience.

Your brother and his wife should feel ashamed of themselves.

I so sympathise, it must be really hard having your mum living with you. Mine is in sheltered housing very near me but not with me thank goodness. I have 1 brother who sounds so similar to yours. He visits once a year, usually November to deliver her Christmas presents, otherwise he doesn't see her. Him and SiL go on holiday all over the place but never think of visiting mum or asking her to go with them. Stick to your guns and blast him as much as you like. I do wonder if this is also so you think it is too difficult for your mum to visit him and don't suggest it again (Bloody brothers!!)

I am 93 and I travelled by coach until a couple of years ago. I informed the coach company that I had trouble with walking and had to take my walker as well as luggage. I was given a front seat, was met at Victoria where there is special disabled waiting room until I was escorted to the connecting coach. Had to give up going away because I now cannot cope with steps and stairs.

How awful- I had been fuming too- but in fact he sounds just like one of my brothers

I'd be tempted to say then keep her till next Sunday as we have plans- but then I'd worry like crazy that they were unpleasant to her. Hope you find a way - rooting for you (and bravo for all that you do - when the time comes, you'll feel so much better for knowing you did your best). x

Disgraceful and I d be fuming too I think your brother should be brought to task and his selfish wife is she pulling his strings or has he always been a selfish git ....how awful I m an only child and did everything I could for my mum and dad in their later years how many times have I thought I wish I had a brother or sister to share with me but do you know everyone I ve ever talked to has said that there always ends up just one carer and the others skive off into the shadows until the funeral where they will weep

Good luck and no your Mum should not be put on a coach She might need the loo, might feel unwell, especially as the weather is pretty warm at the moment and coaches can get hot, she will feel very shunted off not right at all

If she can travel alone in the coach then she can surely stay in and watch TV or read or something when they go out for one evening. This is obviously just an excuse but it seems so petty. I would be more understandable if they wanted to bring her back immediately (not reasonable or acceptable but understandable).

Have you suggested he book her a taxi. After all you have done for her and spent on her that expense is a drop in the ocean.

That should read 'shy away'

Does he think he's doing you a favour by saving you the bother of driving by putting her on a coach? Maybe he doesn't fully understand the implications and remembers his Mum as being the strong, able and confident lady he grew up with and finds it difficult accepting that she now needs a greater level of care and consideration. I find that family members (brother in particular) tend to she away from acknowledging that the rock of their childhood lives is now so fragile

And what about all the traipsing around your mum did for your brother when he was growing up?

Even baby boomers need reminding that looking after parents is part of the deal in life.(There are exceptions, all elderly parents were not nice parents growing up.)

My bro in law is selfless to a tee and is always there for his 95 year old mum. VERY HARD for him as he is an only child, but would not dream of not helping. She lives an hour plus away and in her own home. She always tells him not to bother, the carers will sort it when they come, but he keeps remembering all the care she gave him growing up. And he wants to be sure her needs are being sorted.

OTOH, they have a friend who, when her dad died, she shoved her mum in a home. Bottom line, she was a daddy's girl. Her mum was a lovely person, just not as doting as the dad. I found myself shying away from this woman when we'd meet, she just gave me the creeps. Once mum was in the home, she sold her house as she had POA and did not use any to contribute to mum's care. Her mum had a good pension but it was tight and she'd have to ask her daughter for some spending money. Little did she know her daughter was sitting on a nest egg that she then used to buy a house in a place in the sun.

So... if you love your mum, go that extra 1.5 hours, she will treasure your care in her heart to her dying day.

End of rant today! Sending many hugs and lots of encouragement.

...another thought, next time you want a break tell your brother you are going away (whether you do or not isn't important) but that way he'll know that the arrangements can't be changed at the last minute. A bit sneaky but sometimes needs must!

Just realised Worthingpatchworkers posted similarly!

Oh dear, poor you - I've been in a similar situation, with one brother (no children) just 10 mins drive away taking no part in caring for elderly parents living with me, but luckily other brother (3 children) was willing to fly from Cyprus to stay a week to give me a break - all several years ago now.

Please don't feel any guilt about blowing up at your brother, or being fuming - you have every right to feel that way. However IMHO people either have the intuitive caring gene or they don't - and in my experience it doesn't matter how many years go by they don't seem to acquire it! Sadly my son (only child) seems to be lacking it too . My brother never changed and I just had to accept it and not expect anything from him. It must be horrible for your poor Mum too as none of this will have gone over her head. I wish I had some sage advice - but all I can think of is to lower your expectations of your brother so that next time it doesn't rattle you so much.

I have learnt in life.....not to have expectations of others as it can be an awful let down. It also means you beat yourself up with all the difficulties failed expectations bring. your circumstances are similar to two friends of mine. You, and my friends, are doing a marvellous job at the expense of your peace and sanity. My grandmother....died 103 yards of age....would get picked up by the local day centre and taken back home after spending the full day with them. They offered chiropodist, hair and nail care, bingo, keep fit, lunch etc. Etc. How about that as a form of respite for you. Remember.....have no expectations of relatives.....you will then, not be disappointed.

Ask him how he and his wife will feel when their children dump them at a bus station.