TO THINK THAT THIS IS UNACCEPTABLY GREEDY

Very grasping. I wouldn't go. When my husband and I married in the mid 70's we had lived together for a while and didn't need "stuff" so we asked everyone to bring a bottle of fizz for the reception/party we had after. Made us smile the sound of clinking bottles coming into the church and everyone had enough to drink afterwards.

About 20 years ago we went to a young friends wedding, they had been living together so they requested vouchers for a well known store as there was dining room furniture they really liked but could not afford whole cost - we were happy to give a voucher better than something they didn't want/need.

When my late DH & I married we had everything but wanted to buy some items from M & S which we chose together, also requested gifts from the same ranges (bedding & crockery), it gave us great pleasure to receive both gifts & vouchers which was a real pleasure to be able to pick what we wanted & not have to put a penny towards purchase.

I do take exception where money is requested for "wedding contributions" "holiday of a lifetime" honeymoon etc. I would not contribute to such "greed"

My neighbours DD is getting married to her long time partner (they have 2 teenage children) & has already requested donations for the "wedding fund" - what a cheek

It sounds like begging to me. And no-one wants to be a beggar unless they have to.
What about writing to say you didn't realise she was so hard up to be reduced to begging. Does she need a loan?
Hopefully they won't take you up on the offer.

Now you know why she has few friends!

Weren't our generation brought up to understand that it is rude to ask for money? I hate the way such insidious new ideas so often become established as the norm.

Agree with kitty an imaginery illness is a minefield. I think we forget we don't actually need to explain when we say 'no', a regretful sounding note with no explanation is sufficient and avoids questions that would come via a conversation.

Some charities eg Christian Aid send a 'certificate' to the person whose birthday it is, which, of course, illustrates the gift, thereby you don't even have to explain that you made a donation to charity.

Egads... when my husband turned 65, I organised a surprise party for him with just his family (he has 4 bros + sis's + nieces/nephews, some we don't see often). It was after we'd been to Spain for almost 3 weeks, so he was definitely not expecting anything.

I emailed the families and gave them the pre order menu for the pub-private room meals to choose from with a note in huge capital letters that I was paying for all meals! If I gave a dinner party at home for people, I certainly don't ask them to contribute to my grocery bill. They'd bring wine or bubbly but not cash for food.

It was up to the family to decide what gifts to give, and they were very generous. Mostly tools... he's big on DIY and it was great.

He was so surprised and we all had a wonderful time. I didn't do a 70th one, but may do something next year for his 75th as it will be our 25th wedding anniv at the same time. Hopefully a big holiday away, but certainly won't be asking the family to contribute to that!

I think pleading an imaginary illness is a bit of a minefield. They sound like the sort of people who would ring after to enquire about your health and the cheque!

I'm not sure... As HurdyGurdy suggests, does the birthday girl even know this email has been sent out? Younger people (like her son) often do ask for cash instead of gifts these days. It's probably come about with so many of them marrying well after having already made their home together. Whatever we think of that, it seems to be the norm for many. We were mainly brought up to think of requests for money as grasping and rude, but times change.

I never turn up at a party empty-handed, unless a charitable donation has been requested in lieu. I'd always take a bottle or a plant, even if "no presents" was stipulated. In this case I'd just throw the equivalent cost of that into the pot and think no more about it.

Birthday girl sounds appalling though. I wouldn't have been accepting that invitation in the first place, and I'm not sure why your friend has!

My 70th said no gifts please
Many had to travel, including flights, so for me, their company was more than enough
However, generosity was extraordinary, regardless of my request on the handwritten invitations
But maybe they were 'real' friends

Unbelievably poor taste and greedy
I would suddenly develop a severe gastric bug!

In some cultures at weddings it is the usual thing to ask for money at the celebration meal, and you take it ready in a red envelope and a person comes round and collects the envelopes.

I think your friend should just leave a £5 in an envelope as in our culture it is the done thing to take flowers and this would be instead of taking them.

At the party your friend can decide if this is the end of the 'friendship' and say thank your an goodbye, and may be with a final sentence - it was nice to know you, so glad you had a good birthday, however I think time has run its course for our friendship this was a nice final get together! Thank you

I had a party many years ago when I said no presents but witty and amusing cards please, however, my girlfriends decided differently, they all had the same thought and bought me a necklace I put the names of who had bought what in the little boxes and now get very nostalgic when I wear them.

Definitely not being unreasonable,
I have also turned down expensive wedding lists and invitations that state "no children" I like the idea of saying that you are saving for your own trip of a lifetime!

We have just had our golden wedding party and sent invitations to 90 people. We stated on the invitation 'no presents'. It is difficult to think of presents for people of our age who have most of what they need. We felt people might not come if they had to dream up some present to give us. We just wanted people to come and have a good time. They all came, we had music and dancing, everyone joined in, it was wonderful.

I don't agree with asking for donations to charity either, why should anyone be asked to give money when invited to a party. Ridiculous.

It can be expensive accepting invitations to functions, first there's the gift then there's the outfit then shoes to go with said outfit and then hairdo, cutting, coloring, perming, styling? whichever you need? DH and I recently attended a wedding and we decided it's the last function we will go to so were just going to make excuses whatever the case may be, it's just not worth all the stress.

Seeing as the son has given out his mothers bank details to all and sundry perhaps you can use said details to send a cheque off to a charity LOL

What a cheek! I would not attend this party and I'd let her know why. Well maybe not, I'm a coward!

Absolute cheek and the request should be ignored or overridden. But, old as I am, I LOVE presents, giving and receiving and would hate a birthday without them. Large or tiny, all gratefully received.

She should say she has a stomach bug or some such illness. I certainly wouldn't go.

Id rather have the scented candles! For my 70th i said no presents but lots of people brought flowers or small inexpensive gifts which was quite touching. Id be embarrassed to get money.

Violette, I have just read your post and it reminded me of my own wedding where my new in-laws (to my embarrassment) went round the family asking for wedding presents for us such as new freezers and washing machines. When it came to it we were given the usuals: a set of coffee cups, a set of steak knives and - from my own mother - nothing (as it had been my birthday the week before and she thought she had given enough! Hilarious.

I have been invited to a friends 50th wedding anniversary lunch.

On the invitation is says "no presents, but there will be a collection box for Guide dogs for the Blind".

That to me seems very kind and thoughtful towards guests.

Such a nice idea, and as friend explained, they have everything they need.

It's a bit cheeky but, if you think about it, better than being given 50 scented candles which would just go in the bin or be re-gifted. Put a tenner (or what you would have spent) in an envelope and think no ore about it.

I'm with Tiggypyro ?