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AIBU to think the social workers are off the wall?

(16 Posts)
AlieOxon Mon 12-Sep-16 10:49:29

Situation now: Some will remember that my daughter died last year and her partner K, looking after the baby - who is now 21 months and doing well - was forced out of the house he had been living in to stay with his aunt L.

I cannot make sense of what they want K to do - apparently to get a place (wot, a council place for a single man....takes years) and prove he can live by himself, without baby, then they will let him live with baby... While at the same time saying it's so important for him to have a good relationship with baby.

(Meanwhile, for Xmas he is supposed to stay in L's house by himself with baby, as L needs to go out of the country to arrange care for her ill mother. I've offered for them to stay here. There is room and baby knows the house already.)

But this idea of K in a flat by himself seems to me to be a recipe for disaster, in the form of depression and going back to bad company....he has had a nervous breakdown over the bereavement etc and has been suicidal early on. He isn't good at being alone. It feels completely wrong.

I am going to the 'core meeting' with social workers and others tomorrow, re baby, and I feel like getting very angry with the whole thing. However this would not be productive.
Any ideas?

Christinefrance Mon 12-Sep-16 11:23:33

So sorry to hear about your daughter AlieOxon and then the concerns about her partner and baby, must be so difficult for you. Is there anyone you trust enough to attend the meeting with you so they can step in if you get emotional. Some Social Workers do seem to have no idea how things are in the real world I know.
In their defence I think they are often faced with situations where they are dammed if they do and damned if they don't. Please try and get some support with this ,.

kittylester Mon 12-Sep-16 11:32:34

Crumbs, Alie! It never rains but it pours for you! I'm sure someone will be along with more advice but have a (((hug))) in the meantime.

Auntieflo Mon 12-Sep-16 11:37:52

Oh Alie, I do hope someone comes up with good suggestions for you. {{{hugs}}}

MiniMouse Mon 12-Sep-16 11:46:18

Oh Alie It must seem as though life is constantly conspiring against you sad How long will L be out of the country? That may have a bearing on the SW's decision.

Jane10 Mon 12-Sep-16 11:46:32

I can see that any SW would be concerned at a man with his sad life and mental health issues having care of a 21 month old baby. They have to put the child's welfare first. Its awful. Its all awful but its their duty. Offering your help in a positive way could be welcomed and the meeting could go much better than you fear. SWs are not the enemy. (I wasn't a SW btw but worked with a lot of them and always appreciated what an awful job it was)

Luckygirl Mon 12-Sep-16 12:09:34

Where is the baby now? I am presuming that he is the biological father. Are they both living with aunt?

Are they proposing to take the baby from him, then make him go to accommodation on his own before they give the baby back? - or have I misunderstood?

Whilst I realise that the best interests of the baby have to be pursued, I am very puzzled. If it is his child then they cannot remove her from his care unless he has shown himself already unable to care for her.

AlieOxon Mon 12-Sep-16 12:33:38

That seems to be the proposal, yes. (Small k is a boy, by the way.) K is his biological father and has parental control, but L has official care of him as of now.
They are both living with L in a rather small house and she gets a bit stressed at times, not surprisingly.

Just to help matters for both K and L, the SW has decided to pay some unannounced visits.... K is well able to look after k but bad at getting up in the mornings - because L is usually up then anyway! She doesn't mind, but the SW wants him to get up....he always did before they moved.
I see them most weeks and everything seems fine to me!

thatbags Mon 12-Sep-16 13:31:17

I'm sorry to hear about this situation, alie. It sounds as though the SW wants K to prove that he's a good parent by being up with k even when L is up with him already.
Very hard for you. Sending hugs flowers

Luckygirl Mon 12-Sep-16 13:49:37

It is very hard to feel you are under a microscope.

Is L wanting them out? - if not, why can they not just continue as they are? I am puzzled as to why SSD became involved in the first place.

Sorry to sound as though I am quizzing you, but it is hard to make suggestions about how the meeting should be handled otherwise.

It is worth pointing out to the SW meeting that K cannot maintain a relationship with such a young child without being in constant contact. If he moves out at their request then it will be very hard to achieve.
And they need to understand the reaction of a bereaved man and recognise the help and support that he needs.

AlieOxon Mon 12-Sep-16 17:36:53

bags it's even more than that...L told me the SW has a list of things to be done by K, to be ticked off....I said 'does he get stars if he does it right?' Primary school stuff!

Seems the children, k and my daughter's 15-year-old also with K, got classed as 'children in need' when she died.
K tried to do what she had wanted, which was for K to continue looking after both. (discussed previously when she had a dodgy cervical smear...) but my third older grandson somehow got into things and was very hostile to K and now has the 15yearold. We don't know what he told the SW dept.

Everything the SW does (and the one before, and the first one!)seems to make things more complicated. None of them seem to have any insight into our situation.

Luckygirl Mon 12-Sep-16 18:38:52

Children are not automatically classed as in need when a parent dies. There must have been some problem highlighted about K himself or his living circumstances.

I am so sorry that you are having to face all this worry about your GC as well as the sad bereavement.

The only thing you might be able to contribute to the4 meeting is your willingness to support K in every way that you can. If they know there is wider family involvement this could be an important factor.

SueDonim Tue 13-Sep-16 02:09:23

I'm so sorry about your daughter, Alieoxon, what a dreadful thing for everyone.

Why were SS involved in the first place? I know two youngish widows and when they were left alone with small children no one in officialdom much gave a damn, it was left to their families to sort out.

How old is your older grandson, how come he has the 15yo living with him? Are they siblings or cousins?

Is there anyway you can have your son-in-law and baby to live with you for a while? Are you allowed to see the baby while he is with L?

BlueBelle Tue 13-Sep-16 04:46:38

What a dreadful thing to lose a child My deepest sympathies AlieOxon

Why does the third elder grandson have care of a 15 year old? where does he come into it all, It all sounds very complex, does he have a good family set up and is she happy with him Are there just two children a 15 year old girl and a baby boy both K s children and now split up ? from what you say K is the Social workers prime concern as he has been suicidal and has mental health issues and worse you say to ' prevent him going back to bad company' are you sure they aren't right to be concerned and watchful although I m sure it feels like infringement but it sounds like they are trying to make sure he is totally stable with a young baby and are doing their job properly by keeping a close eye

I think Social workers are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't they must have an awful job

AlieOxon Tue 13-Sep-16 08:32:38

K was devastated at J's death, it was very sudden and he was there. He has barely been able to start grieving. I am supporting him as much as I can, he would have been my son-in-law.
I don't know if his mental problems are simply missing J, who was a big support(and who he made very happy),PTSD, something called 'complicated grief' - or all three.

I'm not going into details here but he was arrested and that was the point at which he lost the 15 year old boy who went to his half brother. He's 24, has a partner and baby. Sounds ok?....but I have not seen the 15yearold since last November.
Neither has K, who was going to adopt him.
I have 5 grandsons altogether.

Yes, I see the baby at L's. I'm going there today to take them to the meeting. and there's a possibility of K coming back here for a few days.

Jane10 Tue 13-Sep-16 08:43:13

It all sounds rather confusing. Given this background I can't say I'm surprised at the SWD's cautious approach to his having complete care of the baby. Good luck. You could be a great help to him -and the poor little child.