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To expect to be told of an intended visit to my mum?

(20 Posts)
kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 12:33:50

When I got to see mum today she had a gorgeous display of flowers in her room. I asked the staff in passing and was told that someone called g has-been to see her.

This person is my brother's ex fiance (he's been married for 30 years) she has lived abroad for 10 years and is in the UK for a holiday. Mum is very fond of her and is leaving her engagement ring to her (bypassing me, 2 daughters in law, 4 dgd and 4 dgds - I'm not bitter) I am friends with her on fb and she also has my email address!

I've not heard from her either prior to the visit or since.

Opinions please!!

Jane10 Thu 22-Sep-16 12:36:11

It was nice that she'd been to see your Mum but a bit odd that she hadn't mentioned it to you or anyone else in the family. Of course she's in a bit of an odd situation...

thatbags Thu 22-Sep-16 12:49:07

Hmm. My initial reaction was Shrug but I live with often uncommunicative people so I guess I'm fairly used to not being told stuff.

Maybe she did it on a sudden whim. I don't think you need to mind. Perhaps you could thank her on FB (publicly or privately) for going to visit your mum.

annsixty Thu 22-Sep-16 12:52:08

Just try to see it as visiting an old friend. It would have been courteous to speak to someone first but she may not have known the family's reaction. I've told you before kitty what to do about that ring.?

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 12:57:12

She didn't do it on a whim bags but made a special journey. She has told us before about intended visits and the berated us about the dreadful home we have put mum in. And, she knows about the mum's current state. As mum hasn't seen her for ages it could have been quite stressful - who is to know!!

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 12:58:57

Ann the ring is in my brothers safe. grin I think I've said before, i dont like the blooming thing but I am hurt about it and upset for my brothers wife.

Stansgran Thu 22-Sep-16 13:10:57

Does the ex fiancé know about the ring? And is it valuable? Or is it being used to make a point?

Stansgran Thu 22-Sep-16 13:13:12

Don't mean to be nosy but sometimes rings can cause too many problems. I'm beginning to think about who to leave my rings to.

Christinefrance Thu 22-Sep-16 13:16:12

Yes I think you are being unreasonable . I would not expect my children to vet any visitors I may have. I would have thought it was up to your mother to decide who had her jewellery although I do understand your family being cross about it.

harrigran Thu 22-Sep-16 14:06:38

There's nowt as Queen as folks. When my cousin was dying in the hospice nurses told us not to visit for a short while, it transpires a married woman had nipped up the back stairs to say her goodbye. We were gobsmacked, he a lifelong bachelor had been having an affair and even after she had visited he kept Schtum. She turned up while the house was being cleared but my sister turned her away.

harrigran Thu 22-Sep-16 14:08:26

Stupid tablet Queen, stop changing my words angry

harrigran Thu 22-Sep-16 14:10:23

FGS queer not Queen

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 14:36:20

Mum left the ring to this person as that was/is the sort of thing she does! Im not sure whether g knows or not.

We wouldn't dream of saying no to anyone visiting mum, so not vetting, but it might not have been convenient, mum could have been even more seriously ill with us all round her bedside, g knows the state of Mum's health and the fact that she is extremely confused but would have still been shocked to see her and we could have told the staff to look out for her. She was very rude in my opinion.

POGS Thu 22-Sep-16 15:58:38


Are you not digging a bigger hole for yourself. grin


Personally I would not have gone to visit your mum without enquiring if 'things were in a good enough place to visit' given your mums health history. I am basing that on the fact you say she has your contact details and that makes a subtle difference in my mind.

It must the Leicestershire air.

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 17:27:51

Ha ha! She was born in Leicestershire POGS and moved down under.

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 17:31:01

I've just messaged her and asked how she found mum but have had no reply! She has always been a bit of a trouble maker - think that's why mum liked her - kindred spirits! grin

BlueBelle Thu 22-Sep-16 17:37:25

Could your Mums 'friend' have arranged with her to visit ? I wouldn't get too upset about it if they are good friends it's nice that she bothered to go and visit and may not have thought it would be necessary to check with you first

As far as rings your Mum must give them to who she wants. I haven't any to leave so no problem for me to decide. No jewellery except the stuff you buy in High Stret stores so no fighting over my heirlooms

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-16 18:47:58

My mum is on end of life care with advanced dementia - she is incapable of feeding who could/ should visit her. She is like a skeleton propped up on cushions. G would have had a big shock.

BlueBelle Thu 22-Sep-16 19:20:04

Ahh I see well it was nice for G to have one last visit although I guess your Mum wouldn't have known her Such a difficult time for you as your mum s life is ending

rubylady Thu 22-Sep-16 20:47:13

After having been through losing my dad this last year, I do think that emotions are heightened and everything is important. My mother got to see my dad before he died when she had divorced him 15 years earlier and was quite nasty to him since. It rattled me for a bit, but thinking about it, he would have been so happy seeing her before he went, and that is all that mattered. So I let it go.

I don't think personally that this woman has done anything particularly wrong and when your mum passes, it wont matter. Please just look after yourself kitty and not worry about stuff too much. The ring is only a ring. You put it that your mum is doing this to annoy people. If you know that, then let that go too. It's not important really. I know what you mean though.

I've pawned all my gold now, now I wear silver from ebay, I don't think anyone will fight over that. No one would have worn my rings, they would have just pawned them themselves so I saved them the bother! smile