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Loss of a child

(25 Posts)
ninathenana Fri 20-Jan-17 10:09:11

I've been debating posting this as I think some will think I'm an awful person.
First let me say I send heartfelt sympathy to the parents of this child.

A local family have just suffered the tragic loss of their severly disabled child a couple of weeks before X's 5th birthday.
X has been featured in the local press many times and there have been several fund raisers for X's benifit over the years. Following X's sad death someone unrelated to X started an appeal for the families funeral costs. This fund reached 5 figures. The local paper had two full pages about X and a list of shops, buisness' that had donated and the amounts. The same person asked people to"flood FB with Disney pictures which were X's favourite and to write a message for X" ??confused there are 50+. I doubt most of these people know the family. The same person is also calling for people to line the streets for X's funeral.
Is this all a bit tacky ??

Jane10 Fri 20-Jan-17 10:19:18

It sounds a bit hysterical. A child's death is always appalling but this sounds like someone's got a bit carried away with it all.

gillybob Fri 20-Jan-17 10:35:51

I don't think you are a bad person at all ninathenana but we all have our own ways of dealing with things don't we and this particular family are dealing with the loss of their beloved child in the way they want to.

My supremely fit little grandson (just gone 7) just had the pleasure of playing football with 2 premier league teams with a little boy the same age as him, who is very ill indeed (I don't want to say any more than that in a public forum ) the family are trying to make this little boys life as happy as possible and much fund raising has been done including requests for Christmas cards (which went into hundreds of thousands) . Every time I look at the photos and videos I am moved to tears and cannot imagine how "we" as a family would cope.

So what I am trying to say is please don not judge this family harshly. None of us know what we might do if we walked in their shoes. sad

Ana Fri 20-Jan-17 10:44:39

I didn't think nina was judging the family at all, rather wondering at the actions of the unrelated person who seems to be taking in a rather OTT way.

Ana Fri 20-Jan-17 10:45:15

taking over in a rather OTT way

ninathenana Fri 20-Jan-17 10:48:28

I think I have seen the little boy you refer too gillybob I hope he can fullfil his wish list.
I am not judging the family. As I say it
wasn't them that initiated it.

ninathenana Fri 20-Jan-17 10:51:19

Thanks Ana I'm glad you see my point.

gillybob Fri 20-Jan-17 11:12:30

I wasn't judging you nina I was just trying to say that maybe this is how that particular family want to deal with their loss or maybe things have just got carried away. Either way I cannot imagine how they must feel.

The little boy I was referring to is a young Sunderland supporter just like my gorgeous boy.

paddyann Fri 20-Jan-17 11:14:19

not a child but when a local shop owner was murderd in Glasgow last year there was a fund started for his family ,by strangers, it raised over £100,000 ,money wont bring back the person they lost but it will help to ease the stress of funding a funeral they probably never expected to have to fund... and not worry about having to get back to work before they are ready Even if the poor wee soul was severely disabled ,they probably lived in hope he'd have a reasonably long life.The death of a child is the worst experience a family can ever have regardless of the age ,unless you've experienced it for yourself you'll have no idea of the reality.

Christinefrance Fri 20-Jan-17 13:02:21

I tend to agree that this family's grief has been taken on by someone else. They may really be trying to help but for me it is OTT. This sort of outpouring has become more common since the death of Princess Diana. However if it helps then we can't judge . I feel for the family, there can be nothing more heartbreaking than the death of a child.

chocolatepudding Fri 20-Jan-17 13:30:12

I just hope whoever has publicised these requests has obtained the full permission and approval of the family before going public. Perhaps the family have become accustomed to being in the local press and can cope with the publicity. I wish that the press/media would just leave bereaved families alone.

My story - my baby daughter died suddenly in her cot at my parents' home just before Christmas 40 years ago. Four days later we had a very small simple service at the crematorium. No wake but on arrival home I picked up the local paper, issued once a week, which covered a large area of a city. On the front page of the latest (Christmas) issue there was a headline - Baby found dead in cot - and a totally fabricated version of the events surrounding my DDs death. No journalist had been to the house or had contacted us in any way. I spent the whole of Christmas just wanting to find the journalist and teach him a severe lesson. And the editor of the despicable rag as well. We wrote and received a letter of apology.....waste of time and effort. AS the years have passed I have longed to get my revenge but it will never happen. As one friend said at the time - it made you stand up and fight for the truth - and that is true.

I'm sorry if I have upset anyone.

rosesarered Fri 20-Jan-17 14:20:21

So sorry to hear that chocolate an unbearble experiece followed by a terrible piece of reporting, no wonder you were so upset.
In answer to nina I agree with you, somebody or several somebodies have enjoyed taking it upon themselves to organise things in a very OTT way.The poor family, hope they take it in their stride.

harrigran Fri 20-Jan-17 14:30:07

A twelve year old, from our street, was run over and died. The family were not wealthy so there was a door to door collection which raised several hundred pounds, not a vast amount but would have helped.
Raising money on FB is like begging and I don't like it.

vampirequeen Fri 20-Jan-17 15:39:45

I had a similar experience, chocolatepudding. When we lost our son to cot death the local paper printed a big headline..Baby found dead....and went on to detail when the police were called, when he was officially declared dead, his age and the name of the street where we lived. After building a sensational story the final sentence declared that there were no suspicious circumstances. A non story. Our tragedy was their space filler. It was a very small street and only had four dwellings. Ours was the only dwelling with a baby. The report was in the paper within 12 hours of our son dying and we hadn't told many people as we were still in shock. What a way for our relatives and friends to find out and what hell it was answering the phone and confirming their worst fears.

As for the OP. No you're not being nasty. If the family or a friend was fund raising then fair enough but this is a stranger.

Luckygirl Fri 20-Jan-17 17:10:58

I am appalled by the actions of the press that two posters have described - that is truly out of order. How did they find out in the first place? Let us hope that data protection means that this information is less likely to leak out or be used to sell papers. How dreadful for friends and relatives to find out in that way. You have my sympathy - for your losses and for the insult of the press behaviour. flowers

Elrel Fri 20-Jan-17 20:36:03

Sorry to read of such tragic experiences and shabby treatment by the press.
A local funeral director once told me that a child's funeral was never charged for, I don't know how common this thoughtful gesture might be.

Maudie Sat 21-Jan-17 01:48:07

A local little toddler died in an accident at his daycare 2 days ago. I heard about it on the radio and saw a fund raiser for the funeral on FB. The generosity of people has been absolutely amazing and the amount raised staggering. Of course it won't bring the little boy back but it'll pay for the funeral and keep the parents afloat until they feel they can return to work. The father's income is 100% commission so hopefully this money will allow the couple time to grieve together at home. So far the press have respected the family's privacy.

vampirequeen Sat 21-Jan-17 09:06:39

I beg to differ. The media have not respected the parent's privacy as it was obviously reported on the radio for you to hear it.

downtoearth Sat 21-Jan-17 09:35:20

Elrel when we buried our first daughter to die we had to take out a loan to pay for it she was 7weeks old ....our second daughter was subject of media attention as it was a suspicious death and friends found out from headlines splashed all over local paper next morning as it was overnight....we did experience people getting involved for their need to be able to say I know xxxx and being associated with the unfolding story

vampirequeen Sat 21-Jan-17 10:03:18

It's horrible to be investigated when you lose a child. We were lucky. Although an investigation took place, the police were very caring and considerate. They were very forward thinking and had set up a section that dealt with all cot deaths. The officer in charge had lost a child that way himself and understand the shock and loss we felt so was very gentle in the way he questioned us and kept it as low key as possible. Of course things like bedding were taken away to be tested and our son had to have a post mortem but no one ever said or did anything to suggest we were at fault (even though we blamed ourselves).

chocolatepudding Sat 21-Jan-17 15:22:37

I do not know how the papers got hold of the details of my DDs death but some months later I spoke to a friend whose DH worked at New Scotland Yard. He was surprised to see the newspaper article and suggested that perhaps the coroner's office had released details.

As for the cost of the funeral both our fathers immediately said they would pay the bill.

One of the few memories I have of that day was the coroner arriving at my parents' house and he was very kind to everyone.

vampirequeen Sat 21-Jan-17 20:37:36

The funeral director didn't charge for a lot of the things that they usually charge for. I think it was more or less cost price. My mam and dad paid what was asked for.

Maudie Sat 21-Jan-17 22:24:53

Oh sorry, I should have mentioned that the radio report did not reveal the names of the little boy and his bereaved family. Nor have any details of the accident been revealed. Yet.
However, the first names of toddler and parents plus a family photo were posted online on FB and the fund- raising page presumably with the parents permission.....
Raising money for funeral expenses etc. feels unseemly to many of us and particularly in this manner but at least it's a way that the community can express their condolences and support .
570 people donated on day 1 alone.

vampirequeen Sun 22-Jan-17 11:46:56

I'm sure the family will be glad of the money to pay the funeral costs but it's still intrusive. My son wasn't named in the newspaper report but family and friends still ended up finding out from the paper rather than being told by us when we were ready.

MissAdventure Sun 22-Jan-17 21:37:59

I think its tacky, Nina, but then I think a lot of things today are. Plastering ones life on Facebook seems to be the norm now though.