DH backing out

Go and have a wonderful time Greyduster, been in similar situations tried everything, that in it's self puts a damper on it! I wouldn't even talk to him about it anymore (that will confuse him? )& make sure he is the one to explain his actions (non action) to his family . At least you will be able to relax & enjoy the visit without having to constantly check on the mood of your other half !

No, stansgran I definitely would not do a Lysistrata! He doesn't deserve that and neither do I ?. And, as I explained before, he is not averse to visiting art galleries with me. It is something he has had to get used to doing from the day we got together. Going out with someone who wanted to trail him round the Tate and the NPG on our dates was a novelty for him, but he soon got used to it. It is because this occasion will have none of the casual anonymity of an art gallery visit so it's "different" and he doesn't like "different".

My DH is not into art but has just gone round the Guggenheim in Venice with me and came out amazed and delighted with what he saw. He really went as a favour and a tad reluctantly. Just because we are in our 70s doesn't mean we should shut doors. Could you not do a Lysistrata?

It's hurtful for you and no doubt for your son and step grandson. If it is true that the only reason your husband doesn't want to go is because it's "not his thing" then I think that's selfish. If it is because of his poor hearing I think most people would have some sympathy but he should be honest with himself and his family - and his absence would then be more understandable.

I hope you have a lovely time.

I am looking forward to seeing it. It's always been somewhere we said we would like to go, and now DH has the opportunity to go, well, you know the rest. So I will go. I loved Cambridge, so I will be able to tick Oxford off my list too!

Oxford is a town like many another, lovely and unlovely in the same way as most places are, and with some traits peculiar to it, also like most other places. I really don't think there is any more to dread about it than most places so I'm sorry if your personal experiences have left you with a dread of the place, grannypiper.

I did miss mountains and the sea during the twenty years when I lived there.

nina i will have to disagree on the Oxford is lovely remark, yes i will agree the colleges are lovely but that's about it.I dreaded going near the place.

If he said he would go then he should attend for your sake. Oxford is lovely, is there an attraction there that you could suggest he sees while he's there as a compromise? If not, could you take a friend that would enjoy a day out? Maybe someone who doesn't get the chance to go out often.

The conversation came up again on Thursday (fortunately while our friend was here for lunch or it might well have got heated!) and I have given him an ultimatum that when DS comes down next week, he is to tell him and stop beating around the bush. I doubt that DS would believe the "social phobia" excuse, IngeJones. The latest excuse is that he doesn't fancy driving down there, but I told him that he is not required to drive because DS is taking us (although if I am honest, I would prefer to drive with DH!!). He has slunk back to the drawing board.

Tell DS that DH is developing a sort of social phobia and say it in a way like you expect him to be understanding. It may well be true, actually, but even if that is not the real reason it will stop DS and DGS feeling as hurt as they would if they thought DH just wasn't interested.

I think DS has the accommodation sorted out so I don't have a lever there clementine. I am fairly resigned to the fact that I will be going without him; he will have to explain himself to DS at some point so that will be his problem.

Are you needing to book hotel meal etc, if so , that would need to be done early as obviously with a graduation everywhere will book up fast, so, could you use this as a means to force his hand to either confirm or decline his invitation. If its the latter then he has to man up and tell his son and step grandson he won't be attending, up to him whether he gives reasons for his decision. Of course you still need a room if you go without him so maybe that won't matter so much!.

If its any consolation my husband is similar , in that, I know if an invitation comes through our door, the histrionics that accompany it have to be seen to be believed ! He has no social skills at all when out in company, I sometimes think he has adult autism , and I am being totally serious and not in any way being facetious . He just doesn't know how to do social niceties and he's 70 so has had plenty of time to practice !! Its become a standing joke now amongst friends how he gets on but I don't always find him amusing .

I sincerely hope things resolve Greyduster and most of all I hope you have a great day celebrating your step grandson's amazing achievements . Take care x

Must be quite trying for you grow Greyduster. Does he realise that he is now upsetting you and his son ? I wonder why is is so frightened of giving his reasons and explaining.

My husband is the same, Greyduster. With him it's partly laziness, and partly lack of confidence.
I can sometimes persuade him by pleading and looking really upset, then he gives in. But not always.
With yours, it isn't necessarily completely personal feelings about the young man.

He has had three opportunities recently to explain to DS why he doesn't want to go and has ducked out of each one. So this grinds on without resolution.

Does a grown man really need a bribe ?
He needs to decide what he is doing and if he decides not to go then it's up to him to explain to his son why. If he had a real legitimate reason then he should say so.

I can usually bribe mine with the promise of a nice meal out! He loves his food! Could u find some way of bribing your D. H.? Maybe a visit to something he would enjoy whilst there or en route?

DS could emphasise how much it would mean to this stepson too.

Please go especially for the sake of your son. And your dsgs will appreciate it so much.

If your dh really will not go under any circumstances does he realise how it will come across to ds and dsgs. I am sure that you've covered this when you gave it to him with all barrels. His non attendance is something he will not be able to put right later..

Let him tell ds son himself if he decides not to go. If ds questions you about it just tell the truth, or suggest he speaks directly to his dad - perhaps ds could reassure his father.

That's ok. I hope so too! ?

Sorry for getting it wrong.

I hope you find a compromise.

I don't really think that is the main point, FarNorth. I wouldn't say that he treats DS's boys unfairly; in fact, he is very generous to them on birthdays and Christmas and he enjoys their company, but he doesn't have the same connection with them as with our grandson. We have never tried to assume the mantle of grandparents - they have one set of grandparents; we have just done our best to foster the good relationship we have with them, as much for the fact that they are likeable lads as for DS's sake. It would not occur to us to behave otherwise. As kitty says, I know DS appreciates it, though this might put his nose out of joint. But we waited a long time for our only grandchild. It was the greatest joy we could have imagined. There won't be any more, so we quite naturally dote on him. The top and bottom of this is that It is taking DH out of his comfort zone and he is not happy. I will certainly go, but I have calmed down a bit since this situation arose and I am hoping we will find a compromise that means he will go too.

"there is a fine line to tread with DS, who knows that DH will go to the ends of the earth to watch our 10 year old grandson (DDs child) play football/run cross countrys/receive awards for this that and the other/blow his nose, without giving it a second thought. "

That is the main point.

Why is your DH happy to treat his son and step grandson unfairly?
Does he realise how upsetting it will be for your son, in particular?
I'm upset on your son's behalf, by your DH's unkind attitude, and I don't even know any of you!

Good if DH can be persuaded to support SGS but if doesn't go that's his choice l. Do go alone if necessary. Not only will DS and his family appreciate your being there to celebrate with them but I think you'll enjoy yourself. It's a beautiful and interesting city with plenty to see and do.
A word of warning - try not to enter the alluring fudge shop!! I'm feeling guilty just thinking about their delicious wide range of flavours, their generous samples and their special offers ...

Sorry, I've come to this late Greyduster - but I'm sure you'd like to know my opinion!!

I think your DH should go and that Izabella's suggestion is a good one. He will have made the effort and you son and SGS will appreciate that and excuse him if he disappears for a bit so long as he makes suitable noises to the artist immediately after.

We have 2 sort of SGS and, when they were younger, worked hard to treat them the same as the 'real' ones. We don't see so much of them now they are teenagers but I know DS2 appreciated the effort.