Help with 'Sortng Out' before move

I suspect your DD has no idea of the impact on you of her decison to visit her DH's family. Are their cousins for your DGC to play with that may have made the visit important to them ?

I can understand your feeling of upset at this vulnerable time.

I found a declutterer through APDO and she takes everything away with her. Recycling rubbish charity shop etc. Extremely good service for the cost and they are not emotionally involved so gently move you on faster than if you were doing it yourself.

Many thanks for all the offers. I may well be in touch ..... Just found a box with among other things, a copy of the beautiful eulogy given by a friend at John's funeral. I haven't seen it since that day, and stupidly I read it so now in bits and given up on any sorting for today. I think the gin bottle is calling so am off to slob on the sofa and watch some catch up telly - oh the decadence of widowhood ? ?

Hi Marmite
I am over the other side of the country Glasgow/Paisley area.

I understand the disappointment of DD promising to help then going off to spend time elsewhere. It is hard but sometimes I dont think our children see that we are different now. I hate trying to take out the garden bin it is so big and often heavy and they cant inderstand why I find it hard. I am older now. Another thing maybe that they dont want us to be older
SPF

Hello Marmight...Anything I can do to help?
I'm sure I'm not alone among the Edinburgh meet-up GransNetters to want to offer whatever help you'd find useful....e.g. driving stuff to charity shops, the tip or whatever.
It was trying to do too much myself on my last move just over 6 years ago that resulted in damage to my spine. Too much heavy lifting. So learn from my experience if you will and please ask for help!
In the meantime ....Do please get in touch.
Spine now repaired, incidentally

typo: muck in sorry!

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. What I would do is say I am moving. If you don't come and help and take anything that belongs to you away I will give it to charity or the bin men. That should make them sit up and pay attention. To say you will help then arrange to go visiting during that time is incredibly selfish imo.

I have just been having a clear out. Not because I am moving but because we are changing our bedroom around and getting new furniture. It spurred us on to do more clearing and de cluttering because you really hoard a lot over the years. We were travelling with the Armed Forces so we had 15 clear outs before OH retired. You will never forget the good times and if they don't mean much to the children why should they use your house as a storage place? That sounds so hard but it is the truth.

Good luck, You are not being selfish wishing to have her to yourself. I hope you all can agree to much in and make it a positive move for you.

Your DD may not realise the scale of the job and so allocated it just 1 day. I would ring her and ask if you can talk frankly. Then tell her you are feeling emotional about going through all the stuff as you know it will churn up memories, many will be be happy but still some sad as DH no longer here and some of his stuff will need clearing out. Ask if she can get DSiL to take kids to his parents and can she focus on being there for you. Tell her it would mean so much to you.

I also feel for you Marmite. Moving is simply ghastly. My husband and I have just sold our house and packed, got rid of, sorted out etc. after 35 years in the same place. I found selling stressful and overwhelmed by the packing up. The only good thing to come out of it was I lost 6 kilos!!! You feel as if nothing will come together but it does in the end, and the feeling of off loading all that accumulated junk and 'stuff' - and believe me that is all it is - was wonderful. Lots of people offered to help but my husband and I managed. But if people offer - accept. Perhaps your daughter can stay with you and her husband can take the kids and spend time with his family without you. We gave lots to the SPCA, Hospice and another children's charity. They were delighted and fetched everything.

This time last year I was in a very similar situation so I really do feel for you, dear Marmight. I would feel miffed, in fact I felt it several times as my beloved children never seemed to have time to help me but thought nothing of landing on me when they needed something. It's traumatic enough without feeling you are doing it all by yourself and I think it was the most stressful thing I've had to do without DH.

I can't think of any useful suggestions. When do you think you have to be out of the house? I wish I lived nearer so I could come and help out.

I think my problem isn't the sorting out or the move, but the fact that she has changed her plans which have affected me more than she would ever appreciate. When you live on your own arrangements become set in stone and any change is a disappointment.
Yes they come back to me on the Monday for 3 days having had b&b with me on the Friday en route for Inverness. She had originally 'promised' me a week, so I suppose I am just disappointed. I am quite capable of doing the whole b****y lot on my own but feel a bit of help not to mention encouragement, especially with the heavy stuff, would be good. I shall allocate her the garage and the garden shed and will also ask her to come on the actual move day in April. I am sure SiL will cope with the boys for a couple of days.
Thanks sugarpuff. It's good to have a bit of solidarity and understanding! I am in Fife btw.

I appreciate how difficult all this can be as I have moved twice in last 6 years, first with DH from large 4 bed house to 2 bed Park home, luckily we had a spare room & garage so could take anything we weren't sure about & sort out later.

My move 2 years ago (after death of DH) was harder & finally quicker, cash buyer, move within 3 weeks, no home to go to.

Luckily I was moving to be nearer DD so 2 weeks accomodation no problem. Little time to sort out as I was putting everything into storage. Removal Company packed my ornaments, china & glassware.

My DD, her OH & I sorted everything out from storage unit to my new home (1 bed Park Home), sold, Charity Shop, re-cycled or "tip".

My advice would be with photos, if you're having a storage unit, take all of them (save time). Take your DH's clothes to a Charity Shop (hard I know) & try to sort the rest as well as possible. Some excellent suggestions on here. I hope you get through this difficult time

My heartfelt sympathies. I had to do this a year ago, and like you so clearly are, was aware of my daughters commitments and hated to ask for help. I too think KittyLester has it spot on.
I wonder - given that your SIL does not get on with his sister and BIL if your daughter feels she has to go on the visit too as a buffer zone. Time for some clear discussion with your daughter I feel. Then you will both know what's really going on.
I hope you get through this difficult task with all the help you need. You will get through it. Everything seems too much at the start, but in the end may be cathartic.

Yes is she coming back on Monday for the rest of the week? Maybe when she sees the amount you have to do she will re think how she can help. I know SonIL offered to keep the children out of the way but they will still need feeding etc.

Do you live in a area where people pass by? Could you put things near your gate with a notice saying, Free - please take. You might then get offers from neighbours to help take things to the tip or Charity shops.

Hi Marmight
I have just google mapped and found that I am 3 hours 17 minutes south of Inverness. I wonder just how far I am from you. I can well understand your wish for help with clearing your house. I am trying to deal witb my own house of 23 years and my family home of 50+ years. My DDs have done nothing to help (however woe betide me if I dont do what they want especially financially). I dont know what I could do to help you but would if I could.
I also get it how you feel about your family passing through on the way to the in laws.
SPF

Am I missing something here? 'She's coming back on Monday..' Does she not have the week with you then? If yes, I think that's fine but I'm not clear on whether all you have is an overnight visit
...

Have started decluttering etc while we are still both fit and active. He who expects nothing is rarely disappointed!

You can hold your own open day, clear the room nearest the front door or a garage and give people the chance just to come and take stuff, free of charge, you won't get anything from a charity shop and this saves you all those trips and the charity shops being picky as they are.

Gumtree is free to advertise in so pit stuff on there free to collectors, then you won't have to worry about moving stuff..or sell it and make a little money.

I had to clear my dad's house and made so many mistakes, mainly due to trying to fit in with the tip opening hours and policies, charity shops who can be difficult and just exhaustion.

Your could advertise for a helper or go to an agency. It isn't worth putting pressure on family, sometimes when the process begins people start asking for bits they would like and do come along to help. It is tough !!

Thanks for all the comments. I don't think she is 'ducking'. Just using the opportunity of visiting her inlaws while in the area when I feel she should be devoting her time here totally to me, which is probably selfish, but I don't ask much of her otherwise! I know the other two would be here if they could, but Sydney is a bit of an ask and as I explained before, DD3 is up to her eyes in her own move while holding down a difficult job. I will just get on with it. Photos are a pain as I stop to go through them all (7 large plastic boxes so far .....) and going through John's stuff is something only I can do. I still have all his suits hanging in a wardrobe but have finally faced up to the fact that they have to go. DD3 suggests just keeping one , and I have a box with all his bits and pieces - watch,, ring, fav t shirt etc. to keep. Trouble with me is I become so attached to things, and really in the big scheme, things don't really matter - it's people. It was the anniversary of J's death last week and DD1 never mentions it and rarely talks about him so keeping buttoned up is her way of dealing with her emotions. The others were on the phone to me and DD3 surprised me by arriving on the doorstep having flown up from London, just for 24 hours. Aye, they're all different and I love them all. Sorry to go twittering on - back to the boxes ......

Marmight, might you be being unreasonable expecting your daughters to mind read? I have recently been looking back over my relationship with my mother and regretting things I did not do, help not offered, but she never hinted or asked and I feel sad. I had young children and was spinning like a top trying to survive, but I would have helped.

I ask mine very rarely and have been helped, but they also are not mind readers and don't understand my/our age group.

Hugs to you Marmight. I'm wondering if your daughter is ducking because she dreads it. When I cleared my Mum's house I found it extremely helpful when friends helped. At first I thought I'd have to make all the decision, so what help could anyone be - but how wrong I was! One friend one day, another another day - they managed to make it almost fun. Good luck.

I went to help my mother (not in this country) clear her house in preparation for moving and found it an emotional experience. Although didn't grow up in that house it had been my grandmother's house and I'd been very close to her. I also wasn't prepared for the feeling that I'd lost my connection to my birth country even although I still have a huge family of aunts and cousins there. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we can be blindsided by unexpected emotions and your daughter may be experiencing very mixed feelings of her own.

Leaving your home of so many years is a huge life event and I think the time has come to stop showing how capable you are and explain to your daughter that you need her help. kitty's idea is a good one I think. Could you suggest that?

Sounds like she needs more than just decluttering. Endless trips to the dump or to fussy charity shops just eat up time and energy.

I said the same ^up there^

Consider the help of a professional declutterer via www.apdo.co.uk
There should be one in your area. They charge around £40 ph