Help with 'Sortng Out' before move

Do you have a deadline? I.e. a sale date or is there still some flexibility? And are you moving nearer DD right away?
Sometimes even a desirable unknown can be challenging you have had such stability in the family home, but it will all be worthwhile I am convinced!

Thanks everyone especially for the offers of help. I have had messages from some lovely people offering to arrive on my doorstep and take me in hand for which I am so grateful. It's something I have to work through myself with DDs help. I am waiting for DD1 and family to appear through the snowflakes at any moment. I feel calmer now having spent the week gradually going through stuff and have also arranged for some removal/storage estimates. 2 down 2 to go. The estimators were very reassuring having seen it all before and the 2 DDs in the U.K are arranging to pick up their spoils so I so don't feel quite so panicky. I think everything will gradually slot into place and I have acquired a week's worth of sleeping pills which are at last giving me a good night's kip ?. Onwards and upwards .....

Good luck with the move marmight ?
I think the emotion is bound up with clearing the family home, rather than anything else, and you are bound to feel disappointed that the visit is including a jaunt to anywhere else.Remember that our DC still feel that we are their 'rock' rather than the other way around, which is hard sometimes, when we ourselves feel we need some support.Having had so many years of support with your DH around they don't understand the feeling that you are very alone.Be honest with your DD when they return, and let her see that you are affected by leaving your home, don't be too stiff upper lip perhaps.?

A very difficult time for you, and lots of very positive helpful suggestions. I am too far away, in London, to help but if I was closer I would come and help for a day, so much easier if one doesn't have the emotional involvement.

I needed to totally declutter and my goddaughter who was on holiday from university came with her friend for three nights over the New Year. I paid them for 8 hours work a day, fed and housed them and took them into London for New Years Eve. In return they got rid of masses of stuff, they were ruthless, it was wonderful! Stuff from my family, old furniture and books I had for 40 years or more, even from my grandmother, clothes that the charity shop would use but which my lovely goddaughter said that I want allowed to keep (she was right). I now have memories and photos, not out of date furniture and ornaments. Have not missed anything that went, but feel SO much better!

I then read the Marie Kon book on learning to love tidiness and decluttering, Japanese, minimalist, fantastic - and am doing some more!

Don't be too hard on your daughter - she will be with you for several days it sounds, and she has to think of her husband and children. Please don't be jealous of her time with her SIL - family dynamics are always a mystery! Hope it goes well, am sure it will.

* marmight* Its a good job that I'm at the other end of the country because you would take up my offer to help. The draw back of that offer would be that you would probably end up with bugger all [ smile] because I love sorting out tut ( that's what most of it is)
It's always been beyond some of the tut that I've seen when helping people.
Why do people have 6 casserole dishes? enough glasses to host a banquet? 15 pairs of trousers that haven't seen the light of day since the flood ? cutlery sets that nobody uses? enough bedding to run a small hotel? etc etc.
My OH jokes that he has to keep moving and look useful otherwise he would be down the tip

I really feel for you. I had to declutter my mom's house because she had finally decided to move to a bungalow but broke her hip so was in hospital then rehab.

I found it exhausting and very emotional - she'd kept practically everything and I was terrified of throwing away something important (although it was nice when I found the letter I'd written her saying I hadn't been feeling too well - cue pregnancy!)

The only thing that kept me going was the thought that at least I wasn't having to deal with it following a bereavement. That's why I feel for you.

In the end I had to ask my siblings to help out, even though they seemed to think it was my responsibility (for reasons I won't go into).

I really do agree with everyone who is saying that you need to tell your daughters how much this is weighing on you and how emotional it is. Failing that, I will come up there and give you a hand because I think it's heartbreaking what you're going through. (I've recently started decluttering and having a "Use it or lose it" policy because I can't bear the thought of my daughter having to go through all the useless cr*p I've kept for a rainy day).

If the move itself will be emotional for you
and if you have some savings or cash to do so

would you consider getting a removal firm to do it for you? Put stickers on your everyday essentials to be moved to your new home, and get them to pack the rest away for you into a storage unit.

Then you get to deal with one thing at a time - now: the move. Then once you're settled you can get the stuff from the storage unit and decide what to do with it?

Agree with notanan's suggestion about photos. I found this useful when downsizing four years ago, digital photography is a wonderful thing, I have a small album with the prints in, interestingly I have never looked at it but it helped a lot initially to know it was there. I also worked out a way to have some sentimental stuff on show without crowding. I kept one item from tea or dinner sets that had belonged to past genertions and, after checking the family had no desire to inherit them, disposed of the rest. They make a nice, but very small, display. As an aside I have also taken photos of the 'stuff' I have kept that has origins with past generations and these are stored in a small album alongside our wills, each is noted with the details of the original owner. That way if the family do decide to keep anything they know where it came from.

I think that's a really good idea, notanan, about taking photos.

Good luck Marmight, I'm in a similar position to you but have gradually been disposing of 'stuff' for the past couple of years, although there's still the loft to empty. DH was such a hoarder, bless him...

Another possibility:

I would feel the opposite of helpful visiting someone who is packing with 2 young kids. there is only so long you can distract them before they're gonna try to "help". And if half term is the only time we had earmarked to be together as a full family I would struggle with the idea of leaving them to go and help out alone

Also, I'm afraid I would not be much support to you as I don't feel that sentimental about "stuff" so I would probably annoy you as I would treat it as a practical exercise (like I do when moving my own home) and expect a split second decision re. "pack or bin or charity shop".

A practical suggestions I would offer is if it is a difficult time for you to make decisions about "stuff" pack it into storage for a decision at a later date

Also, another suggestion re whether or not to keep something sentimental: have your camera handy, take a photograph of the item, then you can always look at that rather than keeping bulky items in cupboards or attics…. but as I say, I'm not a keeper of stuff that's not in use...

Another thing. Give yourself a BREAK! It seems that you are still grieving as well as trying to sort out everything. I would not have been in such a rush to move myself.

You could of course give an ultimatum ie:

House Clearance man is coming on 'date' so if there is anything you want or want to take home with you come before that date. I cannot do it all alone.

When you think about it your daughter who is going to help will be with you for a week so you can do a lot in that time.

I know when my son comes here for a week 'to see us' he and his wife go and see friends in the locality for the odd day.
It used to upset me too but I have become used to it now. Better to see them for a few days than not at all.

Can you ask her to do it the other way around? Explain that finding the eulogy has left you in bits and can they come to you first to get you going again. Then she's much more likely to send her DH and boys off to his DS and stay to help you finish. Otherwise there's the danger, which I think you may be fearing, that her time with you shrinks further.

It took my brother and I a year to clear my mother's house before she moved. I was working full time and did a weekend visit once a month, a 5 hr drive each way. My brother lived closer and visited as and when.

It was very emotional and I was too ill on the last night to go out for a meal to 'celebrate'.

I had various responsibilities and amongst other things took charge of all the books.

I suggest that you should use a declutterer from APDO for
www.apdo.co.uk/find-an-organiser/

Hope fully there is one near you. The person you select would help you go through your house and decide how to proceed. This would cut the huge task up into sections. With some of the sections you could ask local friends or get in local charities. The organiser would probably help yo with the things you feel most emotional about.

for my mothers house we printed a set of sticky labels for each person and having agreed how we would divide things up they put their labels on their things so that when they visited they could take them.

Unfortunately my sister took my small brass tray, despite the agreement, but I got over that having rather expected this behaviour and taken the larger one before she visited.

all the best. Do not let this move upset your relationships.

First of all, a HUGE {{hug}} for the mountain you have to climb, not just packing and downsizing, but taking your leave of the family home which contains all those memories.
Is DD unaware of how you feel? She may well be head in the sand and it is hard to be honest about how you do feel let down without sounding as is you are resorting to emotional blackmail. Some excellent opinions and advice so far, but if I could add one? Instead of feeling you have to wade into the work as soon as she arrives, can you have an evening of happy memories, something positive to look back on? She may be dreading this goodbye too.
However, I DO NOT think you are being at all unreasonable and if there was a way of saying so without getting upset, I would say go ahead.
Not sure there is though. Not envying you, and I would be EXACTLY the same ❤️

Difficult time for you and I totally sympathise. So contact all daughters and ask them if there is anything they want from the house before you get rid of stuff. Give them a date by which they collect else it goes to charity or let them arrange storage for any items themselves. Next work out what you want to keep and why? Will it fit into your new home?. Why are you putting stuff in storage? You have to pay for that.
Arrange stuff into piles, take, charity shop, recycling centre.
You must have some friends who can help you clear out and keep you on track.
Your children have their own lives and maybe you work out what exactly

I feel for you Marmight. Take it slowly. Decluttering and moving can be incredibly stressful. You are being very helpful to your daughters for doing this - otherwise the task would be theirs once you're gone - so expecting some help isn't unreasonable. We downsized fifteen years ago then ended up upsizing again when DH's parents five years later.. We had to clear their home of 50 years - a horrendous task as we were both working FT at the time. Got zero help from his daughter who doesn't work and lives 2 miles down the road! Anyway DH was an only child and wanted to keep loads of their stuff so we had to upsize to house it. Now I will be in a real.mess if I end up on my own. You sound very strong and well-organised. Try not to be hurt by your daughter's actions. The result of busy lives, trying to pack too much in, means they don't have the time for reflection that we have, and often don't realise when they are hurting our feelings. Also, half term is the grandchildren's holiday and I think she is trying to balance her family's needs with yours - being a good mum and daughter.

But she is coming to you for half term. She just won't be there for the weekend before half term. Arriving Friday, going to Inverness on Saturday and returning to you on Monday - which is the first day of half term.

I think that the problem here is a difference in what "half term" means. To a mother with small children, I would think that it does mean "the week that the children are not in school", rather than "the minute the school breaks up until the minute they return to school"

If she lives hundreds of miles away from you, and her family in law live still further north from you, then it probably seemed like a good opportunity to do the two birds with one stone thing, and see family in law as well as being there "for half term week" with you.

I don't think you are unreasonable in expecting her to help, but I think you are being a little unrealistic in expecting them to not spend any time with anyone else as well

MARMITE....if you dont ASK for help you know, you won't get it. None of us have a crystal ball that helps us to see others needs. So ask her for help in very strong terms.... or you're gong to just burn the lot.
Very best wishes to you.

I am so glad that, as someone upthread said, we are 'downsizing' without actually moving (from a 4 bed )house.We do not lack storage ... We are 66 and still quite fit and active . DDs have both bought property in the last year and any furniture they want is going to them and we are disposing of some .I have gone through the house in the last year and been quite ruthless in disposing of anything we no longer need/use and anything that doesn't 'work'..I have also put everything sentimental into one sizable very pretty box (big enough and strong enough to act as a seat in a bedroom).The DDs know they can just chuck it when I am gone.I have scanned old photgraphs and ditched about ten albums worth of them .I was never a kick knacks person (DH hates ornaments)but have kept only things of real significance .Sorted my books,pruned/replaced grotty kitchenware etc ...you get the picture.
This was prompted by the task of sorting through my mother in laws flat preparatory to sale ,when she went into a residential home. It took me a month working two hours most days and was quite emotionally upsetting .She had thrown nothing away when moving from a 4 bed house to a two bed flat (with lots of storage).My own mother was quite cold blooded (I thought at the time)getting rid of stuff and I found helping her quite upsetting. I 'rescued'my baby hairbrush and a few other things from the 'to go'pile.I understand now she was,rather bravely, drawing a line under 50 years in the same house,six years after my father's death.I do not want to subject my DDs to this
I suspect your DD finds the thought of ,in effect ,dismantling her family home and memories quite daunting ,especially as her siblings arent very involved .And possibly underestimating the time and effort involved.I think you just need to ask her straight out to give more time to helping you.

I did this, with my old boys help a few years ago when we moved out of our home of over 35 years, it was hard enough and very emotional too. I have to say none of my lovely girls or my lovely son were any use at all in the process.
It must be so hard for anyone doing this alone and I think kitty has got it spot on, much as we love them our children don't always "get it" and just need to keep on thinking that we are invincible and as young as we always were. Good luck with it all x

Hope it all goes well for you ! Moving out/moving on is difficult especially when you have been in your home so long ...maybe your D is having trouble coming to terms with what I assume is the moving/clearing of family stuff that is familiar to her from her childhood.

Im my case I have moved so many times I think all I have left of sentimental value now is a load of photographs ! When I left the UK I gave my daughter all the furniture for her student house ! ...she then managed to burn the house and all the contents to the ground ...but it was only stuff and she was ok which is the main thing ! Now I live in a house with my second husband and nothing here is of sentimental value to me (apart from a few wedding photos !) ...he will not part with anything however ! which is a problem ...... We were thinking of moving to a small retirement flat (he is 84 I am 70 ) but he said he wants to keep his workbench, his woodworking tools ,,,,all the old furniture ! So at the moment it is impasse ..I would simply get rid of the lot and start over ........I cleared my dad#s flat when he died ...contacted the Salvation Army to take anything they would like (but bear in mind now everything has to have fire certificates etc for any charity to take it ! Good idea on here ......maybe Age CConcern or a local charity could collect stuff ...safer than letting a load of strangers into your house perhaps ....house clearance people also collect (they don't pay, but if you just want rid of it like I did, might be an option !) Tell you D and SiL et al that you propose giving away anything and everything and that if there is something the would like then they will have to come and get it within 2 weeks or it is gone ! This may have the desired effect !

Good luck with whatever you decide !

We are all different! Why do you need help? Personally I wouldn't particularly want anyone else helping me sort through my house stuff.

When my parents died I dealt with their stuff. Some I kept, some I didn't. If you keep what is important to YOU then that is the main thing. You can say to family members that if they want anything they have to come and choose what they want, after of course you have decided what you want to keep for yourself and your needs.

Some of the charities are only too pleased to collect whatever you decide you don't want. Phone them to see what they say. Put what you don't want into one (or two) room so there is no confusion about what goes and what doesn't.

I assume you are continuing to live in the house. If you are not then there are house clearance people (see Yellow pages)who will be happy to remove everything and give you some money ( but not as much as you might have expected.) So your first priority is to set aside what YOU want to keep.

Freecycle is a good idea. Spread some good will!

Take your time. There is (presumably) no pressure to have it done by a certain date. But don't let the lack of a deadline enable you to put it off.

You seem to be doing very well, dealing with all the legal stuff. Excellent! So you can do it. And be stronger at the end for having done it yourself.

Marmight, this must be really hard. Just do the best you can, and when DD is there, remember it will be emotional for her, too. Hoping you can give each other comfort and support. And perhaps do some happy reminiscing as well.

More (((hugs))) Marmight.

I know my girls would find it hard to deal with anything like this which will stir up so many emotional memories and I bet the two DDs who can't, are glad of the excuse. I imagine that is looming large for DD1 and she is trying to delay the inevitable.

I'd ring her now and let her know how upset you are to have found that particular box and to ask for her to be there for you. As you've coped so well, apparently, up to now she will probably be astounded that you feel like this and was worried that she would get too upset. I also think the young underestimate how much we oldies love our spouses/partners and I think you need to be honest - but not after a few gins or you might get to be too honest.

Not much help, but we are there with you in spirit at least!!