Mother's Day

Yesterday my son sent a text message asking me what I was planning to do for Mother's Day (Moi??!) and had I made any arrangements with "the other family".

If one of my sons asked me that question (which they wouldn't), I would ask him what arrangements HE had made. Mother's day is supposed to be the day on which children show appreciation for their mothers by organising a treat such as a day out or a meal at a nice restaurant. As I live quite a long way from both sons' families, I can't always be there for that weekend, but there's always a card and a gift - often a lovely bouquet - from each of them as well as a phone call. So, next time your DS asks if you have anything arranged, ask him what he has organised. The ball should always be in your DSs' court on Mother's Day.

I'd send them both identical messages on the me day. Along the lines of..... we are no longer going to do double celebrations. We will either have one big family celebration for future events, and it will be up to you and your brother whether you can behave amicably for that day and come, or whether you take it in turns to come, or don't come. It is too upsetting for this to go on any longer. For Mother's Day I'm doing my own thing this year, andfor your dad s 70 th we are having a break away, just the two of us. It's up to you and your brother now. "
Stick to your uns, they are not kids, and it needs to be brought to a head for your own sake. I hate confrontation, and it would be difficult to do this it it has to happen

Agree with most of the previous comments. It's their problem and you don't have to put up with it. Just do your own thing and tell them why.

Love the comment about two funerals.

This is dreadfully upsetting for you both. I would tell them you cannot cope with this anymore and although you love them all you have had enough. Live you lives, hopefully they will see the error of their ways! Wishing you all the best x

olympia can I suggest that, if you feel happier keeping them separate - you alternate each year which son you invite - to avoid 2 of every celebration - the son not there will just have to accept that that is how liofe id going to be if they can't be civil to each other for your sake.

Olympia I have two boys and my problem is the DILs dislike each other which as resulted in my son's rarely seeing each other. My 60th birthday celebrations were spoilt because as I had the girls sitting next to me and glaring at each other all night, it was a stressful night and after that, I thought never again. I am divorced and have said to my boys 'you can replace a wife/husband but you can't replace a mom/dad/brother,so if the wives want to continue their falling out don't let it come between you and your brother. My advice to you is, tell them how you feel, just how you said here. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus unless you say the situation will carry on. Hope it gets sorted for you,

Hi I'm sorry to hear. It must be very upsetting. I wonder how the son who hasn't fallen out feels and deals with this.

It may be worth letting go and lessening expectations and your feelings of
responsibility as there's nothing you can do. That way you would hold your Husbands birthday event, for example and invite everyone separately. Any queries as to who is attending you either ignore or just repeat how lovely it would be if they came but you would like them to come because of your husband and the guest list isn't relevant to that. It's up to them what they choose to do. They have a range of options including choosing not to come but initiating a separate invitation like taking him out somewhere. You could end up with a relaxed occasion with those who want to come and some additional smaller celebrations all of which will be quality time spent with those you love. At some point they may decide to change but at least you have let go of the stress. It also means you are modelling what you feel is right for a happy family rather than accommodating and legitimising something that makes you unhappy. It's time they took responsibility for their own choices.

Jaycee5
“My sister and I don't get along and the only way to avoid her bullying and criticism is to have nothing to do with her.”
I feel the same way and broke off all contact with my sister after my father’s funeral. (my mother predeceased him). Until then I tolerated her nastiness for the sake of my parents who loved us both!

“I am probably the age of your sons and I don't care if my parents are upset that we don't get on.”
Obviously you don’t care about your parents at all which makes me wonder if perhaps your sister has a point. Forgive me for being blunt but this is about Olympia, not about you but clearly you don’t understand Olympia’s upset at the family rift and ask yourself whether you could perhaps drag up a bit of tolerance for your sister. I know it is difficult I have been there and done it but my parents’ feelings were put before mine.

Go out for a meal, long rectangular table, you 2 in each side in middle. One faction at one end, one the other. Middle son's family in middle. Good luck.

Reading this bought a tear to my eye, 18 years ago I fell out with my younger brother over what I felt was him letting his kids down, I avoided seeing him when he visited my parents and on the odd family occasion made sure I kept away. It took my father being admitted to hospital for us to bury the hatchet and seeing the joy in my Dads face when I told him I had called my brother to tell him what had happened made me wake up to the fact it not only affected me but everyone around me, we are now in regular contact to ensure the welfare of our aging parents. So from my own experience I would urge you to speak to or write to both of your sons and tell them how much it hurts and saddens you that they cant see beyond what happened all those years ago and the effect it has on those around them. I hope for all sakes they can see the light as I did before its too late to make amends. I truly hope you can resolve this.

Spend the money on holidays instead of feeding the family twice every time.It sounds to me like you are flogging a dead horse.They will make up if they want to not because you want them to.Sorry if this sounds harsh but a rift in my family broke my heart too and try as I may I couldn't resolve things between them.Spoil yourselves for a change and heal your own heart.

X posts Bebe

I agree with the majority of the above, say you've booked a table for all of you, both factions, and your best present would be for them both to be there. If they won't do that then do your own thing. I wouldn't get drawn into the reasons why the rift happened, or you just get locked in 'he said she said' arguments, just say its a long time ago & we have to move on. The funeral bit is very moving and well worth them knowing too.
I feel for you, we have rifts in our family and I hate it

Hello Olympia.....Good morning. It is unfortunate but somewhat understandable that you have accommodated this rift for so long. I would try the emotional blackmail bit by stating what I REALLY want for Mothers' day is ......... the time and place to be chosen by you, of course. I would then state categorically that I do not wish to know in advance who's coming. 'Just turn up if you want to be with me, please'. Now this may end up with only yourself and the 'uninvolved' son. So be it. Furthermore, it may end up with you ON YOUR OWN. MENTALLY PREPARE FOR THAT, Olympia and the outcome, when known, could well have positive consequences. Either way, you've tried. What more can a Mum do? We just go on loving with the edges getting more frayed by the minute. I feel for you. My ties are not brilliant but I don't have specific problems. Good luck.

Actually, I don't agree with 'blackmailing' them in order to get them into the same room for Mothers Day or any other celebration.What kind of atmosphere would that produce? All done so that we could revel in Mothers Day with them all present at the same time? See them at different times of day or the day before or after: they still love us, and we love them, they just don't like their brother or sister!

Why try to play Happy Families? it's never going to work is it? Give up thinking about it now. What does a joint family celebration matter anyway as long as they want to see You is the important thing. I don't know if my 4 sons always see eye to eye with each other but they always try to come to family and extended family does - but sometimes it's not possible because they all live so far apart and one family lives abroad. Just be thankful that they still want to see you, even if it is separately. Get on with the rest of your lives and enjoy your own company, I would. No hosting family parties anymore either. I am nearly 70 and my husband is 76 - we cant do that anymore. It's their time to treat us now - separately or together it doesn't matter.

For a start, it's not Mother's Day. It's Mothering Sunday and it occurs on the 4th Sunday in Lent, which is a little way off yet - last Sunday was the first in Lent.

So your grown-up sons don't get on with each other. At the risk of giving offence, I don't see why it has to 'go with out saying' that it has broken your heart.

They are grown up, you did your best in bringing them up but once they're grown up, it's entirely up to them what they do. There are numerous instances of adult children not only not getting on, but being at daggers drawn. I've had this within my own family. I've had my heart broken in the past, but no more. I'll never again allow anyone else, descendants or not, to break my heart.

Actually, about this particular festival, it's my understanding that the children do something for the mother - bring her flowers etc - or plan a surprise, not ask her what she is doing on that day.

apologies for typos custard cream in the keyboard

Yep MOMB and Angela1961 have solved it. A mention of a funeral shld shock them into realising they haven't got you forever (sorry) and to sort it now. I'd love to know if this warring between sons (who don't hv sisters usually as they'd sort it) is a British thing?

Isn't life so sad the more I read the less I feel encouraged to make an effort with family I too have three sons who are speaking but lead very different lives one of the partners always causes trouble and I agonise over what will happen next . But this year I have decided the most important people in my life is my husband and me and we will celebrate our ruby wedding away and enjoy it without the friction or tenseness if a party . Good luck to you and whatever you decide but don't make yourself I'll over this there not worth it!!!

I agree that your response could be- I want to see you all together or not at all & let them see how their behaviour is effecting you. It won't kill them to be civil to each other for a few hours.

It's just plain courtesy & they owe you that!

What Jaycee says is the truth of it.
We have to accept that some of our adult DC do not get on and possibly never will.
It's not about us, it's them, and just the way things are and is quite common.
Olympia arrange a lovely weekend away for your husbands birthday, you will both enjoy it much more.?

Kids!!!

They expect their parents to put up with their chldish behaviours which they would never inflict upon their friends.

Suit yourself for MD and for yur husband's birthday don't invite them, have fun with your friends.

If they can't pay you the respect and common courtesy of behaving themselves now and then just to pease you sod them, both of them.

Wot mumofmadboys said! Tell them that's the only present or celebration you want, that they take a step towards mending their differences to bring joy to you. Even to just be able to be civil to each other around a table during family occasions. Good luck

I would copy your post and email it to them, enough is enough, x x