Pre-retirement advice needed!

Gosh, reading this has made me appreciate how lucky I am. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable expecting their partner to share the chores. I can imagine the niggling resentment if you have to do the lion's share of work around the house because the other is oblivious to work that needs to be done or just plain lazy. My heart goes out to those who do have to do everything around the house because of the sickness or disability of their partner.

My partner is house trained. He was on his own with his children for years. The youngest was twelve when their mother died, so my man raised them and kept house. His hobby is gardening so he enjoys looking after the garden too. He cooks, shops, cleans and tidies. He is quite neat too, neater than I am!

I am being unreasonable probably in becoming irritated by some of his ways as I too kept house myself without much help from ex who preferred pub life to home life. I suspect I have a gem now, and must learn not to feel irritation silently simmering over his viewing habits, lack of sink and loo cleaning and incessant snoring at night! I too must drive him mad occasionally so I am glad we have a fairly roomy house so we can escape each other. I know my picking fault with OH because he doesn't do things 'properly' is unfair, so I say nothing and do things as I want them done later!

He is a star really, and I know I can rely on him to support me in our life together. I feel lucky to have him and after writing this I've resolved to tell him more often how much I appreciate his efforts.

I suppose in the scheme of things a few chores left undone isn't a big issue really. I say that because I am feeling a bit soppy now and suspect most of us would dearly miss our partners whether lazy, oblivious to chores or useful round the house if they were gone.

Some things matter more than others I suppose, and I probably need a different perspective now we're both pensioners.

Seeing this thread a few days ago was a revelation. I was becoming a little resentful because DH seemed to have a lot more leisure time than I do. After reading your ideas I drew up a spreadsheet of daily, weekly and monthly tasks. We divided them up, colour coded it and stuck it up in the kitchen. I think DH was surprised at what tasks existed and how many of them he didn't feel confident to do! Anyway it's going ok so far. No doubt I'll be back on here having a rant later if it goes wrong. The main problem will be stopping myself doing his jobs before he gets round to them I think. Wish me luck and thanks for the great inspiration on here!

Me1drew I think Yorkshire's idea of the Rotary is a good one. Or some other evening commitment. That way you will have to have dinner on the table shortly after your MP gets home. Plus you'd be leaving the washing up! Or you could develop a digestive problem which meant eating earlier. If you start skipping the late news and the light is out when she comes to bed she may take the hint? Or get a telly for the bedroom, it's easy to fall to sleep in front of it then and you probably will hardly stir when all eventually goes quiet. I think you need to be a bit devious!

My husband washed up once a day (in the morning, so dirty dinner saucepans left all night). That is all he does in the house. And he's so untidy. Today his shoes have sat all day by the settee from yesterday. After lunch I checked whether he wanted the bread-board, knife, butter, etc., and he said, "No". so I put them away, I went in the kitchen a scant 15 minutes later and they were all out again!

If I resolve to pick him up on everything, I seem like I'm nagging.

Me1drew I really sympathise. Here's a idea. Get yourself a little afternoon job that means you will get home later than she does. She will then have to cook. Or arrange to go out at 4 and come back in at 7, perhaps a visit to the Rotary Club or something a couple of times a week. See friends/make friends, get some male company in your life. Surely she cannot object to that. If you OH wants to play on her computer/mobile late at night let her do it downstairs. You really need to put your foot down or you will be walked all over. Marriage is a partnership, not one going out to work and the other waiting on them hand and foot.

Good for you! Enjoy your retirement!

Good grief, what would these men do if they lived on their own?

Maybe both partners should each have a month away every few years, a sabbatical from coupledom. Leave the other to run everything.

At the most brutal, one day for every couple, one of them will be left alone, having to do all the couple tasks, unless we all go out in the next big bang.
.

Not all husbands are helpless. My Mum (would have been 102 this year) made sure my Dad could shop sensibly, use the washing machine and cook a decent meal in case she went first and he was left alone. She didn't want him to become " a dirty old tramp." She did go first and he was fully able to look after himself, and with me as an only child some 200 miles away, he did so.
I made sure my daughters-in-law wouldn't hate me by making sure both my sons could at least cook a basic meal and use the washing machine. One of them (maths & computer buff) did ask me as a student whether he should wash the soil off the potatoes before he cooked them (that's when I realised he had only ever seen supermarket potatoes) but the other (engineer) makes pizzas from scratch, base and all.

Hi all! Never quite understand how this situation of dire inequality in retirement evolves - all disabilities and impairments excluded, of course. I mean it's not as though it's unexpected and will presumably have been discussed over the years just as a matter of course in casual conversations. This would presumably include the aspirational stuff like hobbies and travel but undoubtedly the boring nitty gritty of the rescheduling of domestic roles depending on individual availability combined with any particular ones which were absolutely hated by one partner or which one partner had a particular aptitude for. Come on........ we love each other, we have common sense etc., etc., Can't understand.............

If he didn't do much in the way of housekeeping long ago it seems unlikely he is going to take it up now particularly the cooking, the signs were there when he didn't seem very keen when it was first mentioned and his 'projects' are bound to come first as they are probably nearest to what he was doing at work. If you are out and want some food put on I think you are going to have to phone on the way home and tell him what to do, its such a hassle I know. Next time mention the omelettes as you come though the door. Have to say my OH does a bit round the house and garden but not necessarily the boring basics like cleaning the loos!

Don't want to boast but when my husband retired early and I was working he use to have my dinner on the table when I got home and do all the shopping and was very caring of me in that way. Not so sure about housework although he cleaned the kitchen and other odd things. My observation is that they do what they like doing and leave the rest to us.

Magicwand looks like your husband hasn't any interest in doing anything so I am not sure where you go from there. I remember Mums telling me when Fathers gave up work to stay at home to look after the children as soon as Mum arrives home it was down tools and hand over to MUM

I am 12 years older than my DH so I retired first by a long way. He still has about 15 years to go I think- not sure what retirement ae for men is now.

I will need to get ground rules set up before it happens as he will drive me potty. He doesn't do anything around the house unless nagged & then reluctantly. He teds to work at hoem sometimes & t is a constant request for more coffee- now I know he can make coffee!
I try to make these my days out when I can. He is very amiable but goes potty if I hoover. What is it with men & the noise of a hoover?- we have 3 long haired cats so it has to be done every day- sometimes twice.
When he starts to get close to retirement I intend to plan things. He never cooks but years ago when he was made redundant for a while I bought him a course on 'men in the kitchen' & he made some lovely things- so he can if he wants to. He lived by himself before I met him & he survived then- I seem to remember he knew how to use an iron then too!
I intend to plan for him to retire & break him in gradually or he will be on the golf course all day & expect everything done for him at home.
My dad could do anything in the house & did!

I agree with the view that people shouldn't be waited on foot and mouth. Can I put put a retired man's view? It's a bit long winded, sorry. I'm 65 and my partner is ten years younger. I've been retired for six years (lucky me!) and we've been together for two years.

I've always been happy to do the shopping, washing, ironing, cooking an washing up. The problem is that I'm now working harder than I did before I retired and sleeping less. How I wish MP expected her dinner on the table when she came in from work!

My day starts at 6.00am when MP's alarm goes off. Trouble is it goes on snooze three times! I get woken up four times. After a day at work (MP is a shop manager) she gets home about 6.30pm. She sits with a cuppa for half an hour or so and we're often eating at 7.30pm which means I'm often doing the washing up at 8.30.

Then we have the soaps and the late news so we get to bed at about 11.00pm. MP spends half and hour or so on her Smartphone and the light goes out often at almost midnight. I get six hours sleep and I'm dog tired!

I've tried talking to her about it, but apparently I can have a nap in the day! I would prefer a good 7-8 hours sleep. I've suggested sleeping in the spare room but that didn't go down very well.

I'm with you all, your beloved should share the workload. I remember when my father retired he expected to take it easy. After several months without prompting from my mother (traditional housewife, not worked since I was born) he decided he was bored and took over a lot of her workload. Be encouraged, your beloved might change.

Yes thanks Margrete, that's what the family keep telling him, but he's a negative sort of person, and it depresses him to think of all his plans for retirement that he can no longer do.ie.art classes and golf lessons. So he's given up. It makes me sad and angry but nothing I can do to change him. I've tried tough love comments but that's counter productive. You have a very positive hubbie, that's the difference.

My husband retired last year early and yes he does to the hoovering some dusting I do the rest all the cooking washing up laundry shopping but that's not a prom let my problem with him is stuck in front of the telly starting from 7.30 am sport if it's not cricket then it's sking or golf or motor racing or rugby or cycling I'm getting brainwashed I'm allowed to watch some soaps for a hour so peeded off am I yes I've talked about it with him and he said he will change and he did for a couple of months but soon went back to his old ways

Jayanna 9040 is right. Your OH is a man, did you read Jenny Murry on the subject! they are brought up not to think of helping. All I asked of my partnew was to be responsible for loading and unloading the dishwasher, and he thinks he's hard done by, but he does it.

I reaaly like Jayanna's idea, one chooses one's jobs, brilliant.

Diggingdoris my late first husband also had strokes which weakened his arm. He never stopped doing things up to the last moment of his life. When we moved to this bungalow in 1990 it was a bit old-fashioned. One day I came home from work and he'd knocked down a party wall to make a bigger kitchen. And he recycled old bricks to build a garden wall.

My present husband has had very extensive leg reconstruction, not revision of knee, more than that. He loves pottering in the kitchen and, even with a huge splint on his leg to prevent bending, he manages quite a lot. Including driving, as he doesn't need to use his left leg.

You mention all the NHS services, technology etc. It's all useless without the motivation that comes from within the person's brain and personality.

Even with a weak arm, it would be of enormous benefit to your husband to be more active, to do what he can do and strengthen his muscles rather than letting them go to sleep.

I am more or less working full time in my most demanding job ever but my other half after 40 years of marriage has never once cooked a meal or done any housework.
But he is ten years older than me.

My view is that if I lived alone I would have to cook and clean etc so what's the difference. He can continue to live like a lodger.

My two sons however are model partners and fathers and are both good cooks so at least I got something right!

I do think younger men nowadays are more inclined to help around the house. All my sons are excellent cooks as well as being handy with a vacuum cleaner. One of my grandsons has a lovely partner who is quite a few years older than him and has 2 children. Much to our surprise he has turned out a fantastic cook and does most of the cooking, usually from scratch, without the use of jars or packets. His mother and I met him in the supermarket the other day during his lunch break getting ingredients for the evening meal, He makes a fantastic green Thai curry with prawns which he marinates over night

My OH does all the cooking; he helps with the shopping, however I pay for that, he pays all the bills. The mortgage is paid, we made sure of that before we retired. If we need odd jobs he cannot do ie plumbing or building work he pays. If the children need a helping hand we put half in each. I look after the grandchildren except he is happy to pay board games with them. We seem to have it worked out and there are no arguments. I buy my own clothes and pay for holidays away.

When I retired I told him I was retired too so not to expect to be waited on hand and foot and he doesn't. I do the housework though.

I think that a couple of things are coming through the majority of posts
Are we enjoying the retirement we looked forward to?
Did we actually think through what retirement would be like?
Did we envisage either one of us being chronically sick, suffering from dementia, losing physical or mental faculties, being poor because our pension pot went down the pan? Or being denied even theyears leading to retirement?
One thing is for certain, it is nothing like those Warners TV ads, not everyone cruises down the Rhine and the bottom line is that an active life together is a privilege denied to many.

Reading all these posts makes me think DH and I are rubbing along quite nicely. We're both loners to some extent and are happy doing our own thing which gives us quite a bit to talk about and what doesn't get done doesn't get done - which I have to admit does irritate me sometimes so life ain't all perfick

The who does what question has never really come up for us. We seem to have settled into a reasonably fair division of labour. He does heavy gardening, lawn cutting, car washing, window cleaning, internal floors, cleaning the bathrooms, and post meal clearing up. I do everything else! . He doesn't cook. Although he likes to dabble it takes him so long to slavishly follow the recipe he must have, we would starve to death waiting! I had thought that we might have travelled a bit more than we do, but it hasn't worked out that way so far. We have kind of settled into a routine, which is not really what I wanted.

Couldn't agree more

I was feeling rather fed up yesterday thinking that my retirement is not how I'd imagined it, but it seems I'm not alone. My DH has a weak arm after stroke 5 yrs ago and has spent every day since in an armchair with tv on and laptop in place. He does nothing at all to help , even tiny jobs like emptying dishwasher, putting dustbin sacks out etc. There are lots of little things he could help with but all I hear is 'I can't'. Meanwhile I keep four bedroomed house, do all gardening with two big lawns, walk dog every day, do all cooking etc. Is this retirement I ask? Sadly although DH was restored to full mobility with physio help post stroke, his lazy lifestyle is turning him into a couch potato, with muscles getting weaker week by week. What a waste of all that NHS superb care. All my plans for retirement sadly will never happen!