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DD's exBF

(23 Posts)
Beth61 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:50:29

Maybe this is more WWYD? Last year and earlier this year I wrote extensively about my DD's controlling, isolating BF. Among other terrible things we were banned from seeing our beloved DGS. Thankfully, after much heartbreak and many sleepless nights, DD ended her relationship with him following the Disclosure under Clare's Law. Since then she and my DGS have had counselling and so much has come out but life is , slowly, getting back to some sort of normality although they are still living with us. I am still struggling with the whole thing; feel I should have done more to protect DGS ( who was assaulted) plus angry with DD although I fully accept that she too is a victim.
Anyway, we have discovered that exBF has a new GF. It is all over FB. She looks very happy in all the photos however it has been suggested by friends that she should be warned. DD is totally against the idea and I am really unsure.
You wonderful GNs gave such good advice last time that I would be interested to hear your views.

vampirequeen Sun 19-Mar-17 19:41:29

It's a bit of a Catch 22 situation. If she warns the new g/f it could be dismissed as sour grapes from an ex. He will have lied and charmed his way into the new g/f's life. If she doesn't and the new g/f ends up being treated as she was then she'll feel terrible.

I think I would send her a pm saying that I left him because of his behaviour and suggest she speaks to the police re Claire's law. Then it's up to the g/f. If anything happened to her at least I would have tried.

Christinefrance Sun 19-Mar-17 19:50:29

Good advice from vampirequeen. Do hope you and your family come to terms with what happened. The future will be brighter if you continue to support each other.

ninathenana Mon 20-Mar-17 00:00:40

Beth I empathise, there are similarities with you families story and mine.
As much as D or I would want to warn the new GF we would be very reluctant to give him a reason to have a go at D, which we know he would .

Jayanna9040 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:53:43

Nobody listens in the early days when they're in love and everything is wonderful. The time might come later when things start to sour and the new girlfriend needs to know it isn't just her.

BlueBelle Mon 20-Mar-17 11:59:50

I m not too sure about this normally I d say keep away It's a dilemma. Could a third party not connected with you say anything just to set a seed of doubt in her mind or else I think it might be best to leave it alone after all I once had an abusive partner who went on to be married for 20 years to a new woman and I don't think I was strong enough to 'handle him' at the time and maybe the next wife was more able to put him in his place so it could be that he doesn't treat this one the same as he did your daughter at the end of the day if you hadn't been on FB you may never have known or if you had known you wouldn't have had the opportunity of warning her so I d say let it go

Nannymarg53 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:16:28

I'd speak to the family protection unit (police) so they know he's in a new relationship - assuming the police were involved as DGS was assaulted. They will keep the source of information anonymous. Then you're not directly involved and can't be blamed. Very tricky situation sadly

cc Mon 20-Mar-17 12:43:16

I absolutely agree with Nannymarg, if your DD had a support officer she should let them know that he has a new girlfriend and then it is up to them to deal with it. I don't know the legal position about advising the new GF yourself, but neither your DD nor yourself want to put yourselves in the position when exBF could be aggressive with you.

I don't know the back story to this post, and obviously things were seriously wrong. However I used to know a woman who had been abused by her DH when they were both teenagers with two small children. Eventually they divorced and he has a very happy, non-abusive marriage now. My friend later had a reasonable relationship with him and the children saw him regularly for their holidays. In that case he was too young to deal with their situation and, once mature, accepted that he had made serious mistakes but made a new life which included all his children.

keffie Mon 20-Mar-17 13:27:17

It would cause your DD and you all aggravation you don't need. Essentially now it's none of your business now they are split up. I understand where you are coming from as the ex in our story was abusive and violent. His 2nd wife knew but chose to make excuses for him however didn't tell her family. She died. He has now remarried and again I was asked if I was going to tell the 3rd wife. No chance! She would make excuses and it would cause me a rake of aggro I don't need. Stay well out of it is my advice. She will say "he isn't like that with me" etc. which they aren't usually in the beginning. He will give aggro for doing it

icanhandthemback Mon 20-Mar-17 13:38:39

Are there children involved? If so, I would alert the relevant authorities with the information so they are protected and leave it at that. If not, as sad as it is going to be for the new gf in the long run, I'd do what your daughter wants. Although your DD has got out of the relationship which was so poisonous to your relationship with her, you will be reinforcing his stance about you. Don't give her any reason to wobble now with her relationship with you.

radicalnan Mon 20-Mar-17 13:51:16

Uness he is on a register for some offences, it really is more trouble than its worth getting involved.

She may be just the woman to knock him into shape, and your DD is not responsible for his every relationship for ever more. That smacks of stalking............let it go.

Someone they know may tell her but your DD needs to keep her own life peaceful now.

allsortsofbags Mon 20-Mar-17 14:02:49

As much as you want to do your bit to protect new GF I'm with your DD about not contacting new GF. We got DD back from similar relationship and we were pointed to "Recovering from relationship with Sociopath/Pyscholpath" ( I'm not saying DD's Ex is or was this) but we found some really useful information on recovery and protecting techniques. Good Luck and hope your family get to a place of feeling safe in mind as well as body soon.

Jaycee5 Mon 20-Mar-17 15:07:55

Although ideally she should be warned, I don't see how she can be without risking the safety of your daughter and granddaughter and possibly yourself.
Not being able to help someone who you know may be at risk is an uncomfortable feeling but the danger to your family is very real and they have enough to cope with psychologically without worrying that he may be brought back into his life to seek revenge.

nanaK54 Mon 20-Mar-17 15:13:16

Great advice from NannyMarg

Izabella Mon 20-Mar-17 15:20:46

If the new GF has a child/children then there maybe a responsibility to report this. I say that without knowing the full facts of the previous situation of course, but it needs considering.

Lona Mon 20-Mar-17 15:21:00

Nannymarg has given good advice. I would steer well clear and be glad you and your dd and dgd are out of it!

Tessa101 Mon 20-Mar-17 16:33:05

Definitely agree with nanniemarg advice. I've been involved in a similar situation and was going to suggest exactly that info. The police will deal with it in a sensitive manner and there is no need for your daughters name to get brought up at all. She should definitely not be the one to tell her.

FlorenceFlower Tue 21-Mar-17 07:35:56

Agree with Nannymarg, inform the police. Please don't put yourself or your daughter in potential danger by telling the girlfriend yourself. The NSPCC can also be helpful very helpful with advice etc.

So pleased that you and your daughter are now having happier times. 🌺

Anya Tue 21-Mar-17 08:01:06

Radical if Beth61's daughter found out about him through disclosure under Clare's Law then his is on the violent offenders list and he has a track record of domestic violence.

Anya Tue 21-Mar-17 08:02:08

The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme - known as Clare's Law - is intended to provide information that could protect someone from being a victim of attack. The initiative is named after 36-year-old Clare Wood who was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in 2009.

Caramac Thu 23-Mar-17 09:58:38

You can invoke Clare's Law on behalf on the new gf and I probably would. Your name would not be disclosed to ex bf or his new gf. A word of caution though, please consider if it's possible to be unaware of ex bf's future relationships as it is hard to ignore but at the same time, knowledge affects you and your life, causing you (and possibly DD) unnecessary stress. Xxxflowers

Beth61 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:25:09

Hello again . Thank you for all your helpful responses. DD saw her counsellor yesterday and told her about the new GF (who has a child which was one of the reasons we are concerned). Counsellor told her to leave it with her so we are quite happy to do that. The last thing I want ís for any more bother or upset for DD and/or DGS but it was weighing on my mind. Feeling relieved now. Thanks again.

SparklyGrandma Fri 24-Mar-17 14:32:13

Beth61 a sad dilemna..but if his behaviour was bad enough to warrant disclosure under Claire's Law, it might be worth as others have said, telling the support officer. You never know the woman might have a child or children, as well as for her own safety.

If he assualted your DGS, it would be a worthwhile thing to do, to let the police know so the woman has at least a chance to protect any children connected to her, and herself.