Wwyd

I am interested so many answers feel that REINS are ridiculous.
Years ago I had to take my sons by train from Devon to Sussex. I think the boys were 4 and 6.
My younger son was very lazy and hated to walk, but I had no car, so he was in a push chair, and there was luggage too.
I can remember explaining the danger to my older son on the platform, and threatening him that if he did not keep hold of me or the chair, I would put reins on him, and he knew I was not joking!!
I can add he was very well behaved, and did not force me to carry out my threat.
Bearing in mind that the police say the average child should not be relied on to be traffic aware at under 8 years old, if we don't trust a dog not to stray into the path of traffic, why would we trust a 6 year old child?

I agree with all the sensible suggestions people have already made. And please, do not humiliate the child and yourself by putting her in reins, even if you can find any big enough for a six-year-old.

In your place I would have a word with her class teacher, and preferably also the headmistress/master of her school. Ask if there is an older girl, 14-16 year old who could accompany you home with GD.

Please tell your GD that you love her very much and that you cannot bear the thought of her being killed or injured if she runs into the street. Point out that this could only too well happen. I'm sure you can make her see that only comic heroes like Spiderman (or whoever her favourite is) can survive being hit by cars.

A very difficult time for,everyone, I hope this will become a shared care with your DD giving you some respite but allowing you dgd the best of both worlds,

In answer to your question mum does take dgd out on her own and she has behaved badly for her.
She has behaved badly when it's just the two of us aswell.
It's definitely worse when we're all together, even in the house so we're limiting that at the moment. That isn't great for my relationship with dd which can be fragile at the best of times ?

Gadaboutgran there is no diagnosis.
I think it may be ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) but it could just be complete confusion about what's happening.
We have meetings with social services & the school. Up until the end of last year everyone thought dgd was staying with me under a section 11. We complained about the social worker involved, The case was handed over to a different worker and dd then decided to disagree with the section 11. Based on the high level of contact and the fact the case had been allowed to 'drift' (in their words) dd was given an opportunity to apply for custody. Dgd always said she wanted to live with her mum.
Her father is not allowed contact, she doesn't know him but is aware of what he looks like & his name.
She has asked to have some sleepovers with me which of course I will do.
It will be a huge adjustment for everyone ?

Hi. I haven't read all of the above responses in detail so someone else may have made the same suggestion. Have you spoken with the headteacher/ Safeguarding Coordinator/ SENCO/ pastoral care/ behaviour support at the school and asked if they can help? Maybe another parent or member of the PTA living near you would be able to accompany your granddaughter home from school. Not sure if it's still active in schools but also ask about making her the subject of a CAF (Common Assessment Framework) which will ensure that support is put in place. What is her behaviour like when in school? The school may be able to provide counselling or some form of pastoral care or even access to some one-to-one time with a member of staff to whom she relates well who will be able to chat through the issues with her. You could ask for a referral to an Educational Psychologist, too.

You don't say what her learning disability is (apologies if I missed it) but what you describe does sound like those of someone with add/adhd or similar. My 6yr old GS can run off like that, especially when tired after school, & even as a fit person, I cannot catch him. His Dad has adult ADHD so it may be a sign of that, along with a few other signs. I don't think people who look after a neuro-typical child realise how those who are not cannot just control their behaviour by usual means. Rory Bremner's TV programme about his adhd really brought this home. Other factors such as home situation can make it worse & easily make the underlying issue of a 'differently-wired' brain be missed or ignored, especially given common attitudes to these conditions. Always easier to blame the parents or home situation.

Does Mum take her out at other times on her own? If yes how is her behavior? If OK could mum pick her up on her own when she is available rather than go with you? Reins on a 6 year old, not only humiliating, but she would drag you over. But if her mother is there she could be responsible as she will have to be soon.

What would happen if you could not pick her up?

Is she ok when it is just you? In which case you will have to ask mum not to come.

Lots of questions sorry but food for thought.

Also it is going to be hard on you when your GD leaves after looking after her for 4 years. Hope you will see one another often big change for both of you,

I don't tend to be with my dd when collecting dgd, the running off has occurred mainly whilst out and about as a family.
Dgd has been asked over the last 6 about living with her mum and she says she wants to.
She hasn't had a diagnosis. The school haven't flagged up behaviour problems that warrant a diagnosis either
She has a good relationship with her teacher and the school have been helpful.
I've been saying for months that dgds behaviour has deteriorated, violent outbursts etc. The social worker has arranged a cahms appt (we've waited months for this) but it is for myself and dd not for dgd!
I've spoken with my kinship social worker this morning. Her attitude is that I should just pick dgd up from school and give her what ever she wants to stop the flash points! I'm so angry I could cry!
I've reiterated I am not going to collect dgd from school. A plan is in place for the next two weeks apart from today as apparently I've left it too late to ask! They've known for weeks about this!

You can call a meeting at any time you like with SS. I'm assuming you've had at least 2 meetings a year whilst she's lived with you and twice yearly meetings with school as well. They have a duty of care especially if there's a court order, they have to respond to you and help you care for her. A taxi to and from school helps and SS can find and fund after school hobbies. They can even fund respite care with a foster carer or childminder part time. Her SW should be visiting her every 6 weeks minimum. Maybe your dgd doesn't understand what's going to happen to her when she goes back to Mum, she may need it explained in more detail, or in photo fashion. With young children I prepared photo albums to explain what was happening and asked for their input as well. (Sometimes more than 1 album because an angry child can destroy an album in seconds!) This includes things like how often she still sees you, who looks after her if Mum is ill , what happens if Mum abandons her (in her mind again). Another album which explains her family tree and her role within that family, include things like where she was born, lots of baby photos with the relevant people, information on the weather that day etc, any details that make her feel special and important, info on her father's family, even if you don't like him. You may have this info in your head but she doesn't.
Sticker charts are brilliant though, never underestimate a good sticker chart.

It sounds to me as if your DGD is very confused about the situation. She has been living with you and now she is going back to her mother, which after 4 of her 6 years must seem very scary and confusing. It might feel that you are rejecting her and so she is running away from the situation. She definitely needs some professional support - the school should have a SENCO who might be able to help and she needs to be allowed to express her feelings.... although she might find that difficult at her young age. Good luck. It sounds as if you've done a brilliant job. xx

Perhaps don't go with your daughter to collect DG until transport can be sorted, if she only plays up when her mum's around.

Bit of a message here, I think. She doesn't want to live with her Mum. Agree= social services should pay for a taxi. Good Luck with it all- you've obviously been a strength for everyone.

You need to put concerns clearly and specifically in writing to the head of social services and keep a copy, pointing out there is a definite danger to granddaughter, and ask in it for a reply.
Say her life is in danger, this is serious but short term, that you are willing to go in a taxi provided by them. I was an escort, paid, for children with needs, and they could either provide an escort in a taxi or walking. If you don't get a fast response, phone every few days. Then if nec contact your local mp.
Let us know how it goes

Reins could be used as a threat.

She needs to talk to an objective adult, perhaps school can access someone. Or GP

If SS won't cough up for taxi, is there anyone who would help financially?

I agree with cold and angelab that this little girl needs help. You have done a fantastic job of supporting her and DD but this transition is more than you should be coping with on your own. After school can be a really difficult time, behaviour wise - as my own DD can testify. Try to get help in place for DGD and definitely a taxi for the school run. Good luck.

Daddima,
I don't endorse asking her why she does it as its likely she doesn't know and anyway it doesn't matter in the scheme of things, it has just got to STOP. Asking that Q gives her the wrong kind of attention and so may reinforce the unwanted behaviour. She is not an adult in counselling! Ditto she doesnt need to know why grandmother is frightened. It's the child that counts and the behaviour must be worked with.

The adults must take responsibility and TELL the child in no uncertain terms what is expected. And yes, rewarding good behaviour however humbly. Kids shine when given due praise and they can feel we are proud of them. Give her positive attention when she is doing right.

Maybe some gentle, casual, reassuring conversation at another time re the transition, giving space to express HER anxiety if its there (not yours!), and no direct questioning!
Good luck Meandashy. I do feel for you. You are her rock and doing a grand job.

Perhaps the running is like a panic attack and she has no control over it. The angst in her life coming out.

I think a taxi is the obvious answer but SS will fight this and try to make you feel guilty as it costs money.

How far do you have to walk? Would a small packet of smarties or such which take time to eat pre-empt her demands and get her over the transition between school and home?

I agree with cold, it's v important she gets emotional support, not just managing the results of her emotional upheaval. Might be worth asking your GP about possible referral to child mental health?

It sounds as though she is very stressed and anxious at the moment and that the running is a "fight or flight" reaction - to "run away" from her feelings.

My eldest DD had a similar issue of running away when things got stressful at this age (although she has ASD/ADHD). She found the crowds and noise of breaktimes etc over stimulating. Could the school offer any adjustments - for example would it help if she left 5 minutes early to avoid the chaos? (My DD did this at lunchtimes with a TA). Can SS organise transport for her?

Is she getting any counselling to help her anxiety or develop strategies to deal with stress?

Also reins is a totally absurd idea - it would totally humiliate her in front of her peers and most 6 year olds could just unclip them anyway

What a lot you've accommodated up to now, you're to be admired for your tenacity and strength of character meandashy. I'm glad there is resolution to your on-going involvement in the near future.

Your granddaughter sounds as though she's processing such a lot of information, some of which must terrify and alarm her. That said, she needs to be safe and you've highlighted significant risk factors. I know exactly what I'd do in your situation although recognise I'm fit enough to impose a strong hold and could match a youngster running away. The social worker sounds as though they've not grasped the full elements of the case, I'm not as aghast as other posters about the reins idea, it would solve the imminent danger although would likely hasten a decline in your granddaughter's fragile anxious state.

My thought would be to contact the social worker's team manager to explain your dilemma, how you've been made to feel when you're only concerned about safety and on-going well-being of your family. Good luck with helping out, it sounds like you're an amazing Mum and Grandma x

Hi. You say that your granddaughter runs off when your daughter is with you? What is she like when you meet her on your own? If she behaves when she is alone with you then it suggests there might well be a problem between her and her mother which you may not know about? Is she on good terms with her teacher? If she is, then maybe the teacher can have a quiet word with her to see if she can find out what is upsetting her. I realise it is difficult for her to adapt to the coming new arrangements but it seems to me as though there is something not quite right between her and her mother. Of course I may be completely wrong, but it might well be worth getting someone, such as her teacher who is not involved with the family, to have a quiet chat with her to see what it is that's upsetting her so much. I hope you can sort this out before anything terrible happens.

She will not be able to articulate the reasons behind her actions. She is struggling to deal with her emotions. Very hard for such a little one. This may not be the moment for reward systems - she is in a bad place just now and simply needs protecting.

Can you capitalise on your own walking prblems and ask her to help you by holding on to you, it is a ruse that I use sometimes when trying to get my GD to stick closer to me when out. They do love to be in charge a little.

Reins is ridiculous and would encourage her peers to view her as a baby and she may get bullied.