Wwyd

Some excellent advice above from others, but oh how I can empathise with this little girl, even after 60+ years! I lived with an aunt for approximately 4 years because my mother was sick after the birth of my younger sister and she was never really well again. Returning home was very traumatic for me. I just didn't fit in between an older sister and a sickly younger sister. When I discussed it with my father years later, he said he hadn't realised I'd been away for so long. It shaped all my family relationships. My bonding had been with the mother figure and I was torn away from her. When I think of those childhood years, it is of her cottage and the things we did together. I think what eased it was spending some weekends and holidays with her. Perhaps you can talk about that as FarNorth suggests?

It must be very emotional for you all, so please take good care of this fragile little girl and her granny too.

Could I ask why she is living with you and not her mum (I fully understand if you cannot say), I am just pondering whether it might explain some of her behaviour in the time running up to her return to living with mum.

It's so sad and frustrating when the team manager, after four years, says decision making for your granddaughter has 'drifted'. It certainly has. You all need proper practical and emotional support and it sounds as though there isn't a proper plan in place to make sure that happens.
The referral to camhs may help and it's usual for the child's main carer to go the the first appointment. That first appointment is where the camhs worker takes a full history after which, the appropriate help should follow. I hope I'm wrong but sometimes, involving more people makes thing more, not less stressful for the main carer.
Is there an independent reviewing officer? If there is, you'll have met them at the Reviews. There should also be a Review to help plan the return to mum. It may help if you phone the team manager and the IRO and explain how difficult things are. Your granddaughter is acting out because her emotions are too hard to handle. I do hope you get a positive response. Without grans like you, the whole system would grind to a halt.

Would it be possible to give the child more say in her living arrangements?
You say she will live with her mum full time after the school holidays. Would it be possible for her to have the choice on whether to do that? Or whether to start by staying part of the week with mum and part with you?
I feel that your DGD is reacting to having confused emotions about a situation where she has no control.

Your DGD says that she wants to live with her mum just as a homeless person says they want to have their own home but she, like them, may have no real idea of what that will be like or how to behave when it happens.

She must be aware that her mum was not able / suitable to look after her up to now and is probably anxious about whether things will be okay. She probably can't express her feelings about this, whether to you or to herself.

Does she know that you will always be available to her and that she can always talk to you about anything?

our nearly 8 year old had a bad time last year and part of this when her and her mum moved out of other granny's into their own flat.She changed froma happy smiley wee girl to cheeky ,not sleeping ,clingy.So when her dad also got his own place we decided she 'll still be half the week with us ...well as she says its her home she's been with us(and dad) since she was just over a year old .We'll take it slowly ,she has the odd night at dads and he takes her to school but she's happier to go visit him and come back to us and thats fine for as long as SHE wants

As a social worker is already involved have you asked if a taxi could do the school run? Taxis are used a lot so not an unusual request.

I was in the same position, gd came to live with us age 7 and stayed then until gone 11. She was hyper active and wanted to do everything at 100 miles an hour even when she broke her leg and had a wheel chair for a bit she would race away in it as she was going to enter the London marathon and needed to train! I believe that your gd is just worried sick about the move back home. Be hard with SS they have a duty of care to both of you and the threat of a formal complaint works wonders. In my experience i found SS as good as a chocolate fireguard. Good luck

From experience in my workplace (Children's Services) the quickest way to get anything done is to involve your local Councillor or MP.

You may not necessarily get the response you want, but you'll get it fast.

I agree trisher she needs more expert help than she is receiving at present; the social worker is failing her and you meandashy.

and the name of the person if you speak on the phone in the first instance
Log date, time and name!

meandashy your GD needs a way of getting through this that means she is safe and that she is able to express her feelings and be listened to. Children who abscond from school, exhibit risky, run away behaviour and behave in ways which we under stand are dangerous do not need to be disciplined or put on reins. They need a way of expressing their feelings and a place where they can go to if they feel unable to cope. I taught a boy who had absconded from school and boarded buses at the age of 8, his 'place of safety' was a curtained area under a table in the classroom. My youngest DS had a period of absconding when he was 7, his place of safety was the school toilets. Is there somewhere on your walk home that you could show your GD and suggest that if she must run away and feels unable to cope she runs to that place and waits for you? I do think she needs expert help to get through this, and although a taxi may provide a short term solution she may well start to do other things once she is unable to run away. Well done for caring for her. You will all get through this but it will take time.

With the SS or any other 'authority' always ask for their response in writing, explaining to them you wish to have a written record confirming you have raised these concerns. Good luck

Are you in Scotland meandashy? I wondered because you say you break up at the end of June and England and Wales don't break up until the third week of July.

All schools in England receive "pupil premium" for children on free school meals, or with learning difficulties or children with social services involvement. I don't know if you are in England meandashy, but if you are the school will receive probably the higher rate of £1900 a year for your granddaughter. If there is a need for taxis they should (should!) be able to fund it. It's the beginning of the financial year for schools so there should be plenty of money left in the pot. In fact I know some schools find it hard to use up all their pupil premium as they have to justify its use to be of benefit for those "disadvantaged" children. It's worth a try anyway if you are in England.

Your and your granddaughter's situation keeps buzzing around in my head. It strikes me that as she is six now and has lived with you since she was two that she probably doesn't remember living with her mother at all. Re-reading your description, I realize that she runs away when both you and her mother are with her, so perhaps the running away is a way of trying to find out how much her mother loves her?

You are NOT being difficult and if the social worker is making you feel so, then ask to speak to her superior and complain about this singularly inept woman. If your GD was sixteen instead of six even your social worker would be able to see that she is at risk of harming herself.

As a last resort, keep the child at home for the last two weeks of term, preferably with the head-teacher's consent to avoid difficulties with the social services.

I have been a kinship carer for my GD under a SGO since the age of 4..she is now 18.
In the early years she was able to contain herself whilst in school, home was different and some of the behaviours where similar to your little one...unfortunately mum( my daughter) had died and little one came from a background of DV. Anger and tempers where the order of the day as was smashing things and destructive behaviours.As she got older and she became able to articulate and put a name to the emotions she felt she coped better...she still has counselling on and off which helps enormously.I wonder if keeping a feelings book in which she can keep a record of how she feels even draw pictures to show, she may feel more in control of her thoughts and help her behaviour..

meandashy, even if your dgd wants to live with her mother, it is going to be a big change in her life. I wonder if there is some plan in place to ease her into this? Has it been discussed with her? Maybe one day/week with her mother at first then gradually increase? Has anybody talked to her about what happens if she is not happy living with her mother?
The wide eyes and strange expression when she runs away sound like panic attacks.
You said that the dgd behavior is at its worst when the three of you are together. It is quite possible she is testing the two of you as in Who loves her? Who cares?
Whatever you do, do not reward bad behaviour with treats (if you stop you get candy type of thing). Have you tried the 1-2-3 method? It needs to be discussed with her first so she knows what's happening, but basically when she behaves badly she is told "1". That means I have noticed your behaviour and it's not ok. It gives the child a chance to stop without threats or punishment. If bad behaviour continues she is told "2". That means "Stop or else". If she continues you reach "3". That should mean go to your rooom (or another predetermined isolation place) and stay there for 6 minutes (one minute per year of age). It can be difficult to implement and you might need some stronger consequences if she refuses (confiscating items which she doesn't get back until she has earned them), room turned upside down (you might help put it back together but she has to help, broken items do not get replaced).

I am not elderly mididl (45) so don't think that's an option.
Mostlyharmless I know nothing about pupil premium! Do you know if that's specific to a certain part of the country?
Dgd is here under a compulsory supervision order with condition of resistancy. That will change in 2 weeks but the move home will be gradual (or that was the plan but tbh there has been no further conversation about this!)
Accessing any help or support for any of us seems to be a minefield covered in red tape! When I'd asked gp to refer to cahms on the advice of social services last year he hummed and harred, said he would then didn't! ?

Reins are a good idea for an 18 month old toddler but definitely not for a 6 year old - how embarrassing for her in front of her school friends and would upset her even more when she is already anxious and confused.

I hope they will sort a taxi for you for the rest of this term; the social worker doesn't sound to be much use so is it possible to speak to her superior or get the head teacher onside as well?

The poor man that caught her got kicked and punched for his trouble!
that's not altogether a bad thing - another person may not have such good intentions.

The school will already be receiving the "pupil premium" for her. You don't have to put in a claim for it.

It sounds as if you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances meandashy . I would think your granddaughter would be eligible for the pupil premium (as a disadvantaged pupil) which means her school would receive £1300 to £1900 a year extra to be spent on her needs. So her school should consider a request to pay for short term taxi arrangements. I would speak to the headteacher about it. (Social services should be funding it really.)
Good luck.

Have you considered asking elder social services to assess you? I'm disabled and know that if ss had put forward the ridiculous idea of putting a 6 year old in reins, this would have been the first thing I would have asked for - after all not only is it silly (and adding further stress into a little girl who really doesn't want to be in babies reins in front of her friends), but she could easily pull you over!
Have they not done a risk assessment?
It's their duty of care to keep not only her safe, but also you. Please try to stay strong and as one of the others suggested, while all this is being sorted I would go with positive reinforcement - so tell her IF she behaves all week then she does get a treat on a Friday. It gives her something to aim for.
Good luck and push for transport for her to and from school.

What a difficult dilemma for you ....you are doing so well to have coped with it so far. From what you say, SS are being obstructive ...bearing in mind the consequences that could arise should you GD run into the road or be snatched God forbid ! but then probably SS would try to deny any wrong doing on their part as usual ! Have you asked your GD's GP for a referral to a paediatric psychiatrist ? It might be worth considering ..I would probably imagine you, dd and gd have been put forward for Child & Family therapy (If that still exists !) or some other form of counselling.

You could also explain to the school who seem to have been quite helpful so far that if you are unable to accompany your gd to school and SS cannot fund transport you may have to keep her at home ,,,not through choice, but necessity and that you are concerned this may affect her behaviour further, or that they may involve the Courts for non attendance at school (in the long term this may be a good thing as your problems would come out into the open and the Court would probably demand that SS provide a taxi .....a worst case scenario of course is that neither you nor your dd could cope and the gd may be taken into care ,,but I think this is a very unlikely situation so do not let this thought prevent you from pursuing the resolution to your problem, I worked in a Special School for children with Category 3 learning difficulties and we had a couple of 'runners' ....one would climb onto the desk and leap out of the window and run into town. Fortunately someone would usually catch them and return them back as they knew where they must have come from ! Hopefully this is a psychological short term problem for your gd and can be resolved by careful handling ,,,,,good luck

I am a retired social worker/manager mostly involved with foster/adoption/kinship/SGO. These social workers are just pushing the problem on to you - one says reins (!) and as for the one who says to give dgd anything she wants to avoid a flash point - words fail me.

Look I might have this wrong but if you have brought up dgd for 4 years and she is soon going back to mom then as others have said she is going to be anxious and confused and no amount of explaining is going to do any good, because children are concrete thinkers not abstract thinkers. It seems to me that you have had enough and whilst you love your dgd it is starting to distress you. When is dgd going back to mother - why the delay? To bee honest I would tell those dopey social workers that you cannot cope any longer and dgd must go back to mom or a foster home. The CAMHS won't be much good I can tell you though it does depend who you get but while ever dgd is anxious about the future it will not be any good.

It isn't the job of an older girl in school to accompany dgd home - it's the job of the social workers to find a safe way to transport her AND sort out the problem of the child's anxiety, which is at the root of her behaviour. You'll have to put your foot down as they will try and wriggle out of their responsibility. Is dgd on a Care Order?