Ungrateful Son

To "Paddyann", I think it is your comment that is really "Harsh", the person asking for advice must feel really great after reading it. No one minds helping out but being taking advantage of is another thing all together. If you did this for your family then you were definitely being took advantage of and being walked all over by them. All the other comments could see the inner picture of helping out and the picture of being took for granted. Your comment "quote": I'm generally pleased "unquote", means you are not generally pleased "all" the time to look after your grandchildren, so that is a bit of double-standards to me. Look after your grand children when you are available and to genuinely help your family out and if they take exception and blackmail you as to seeing your grandchildren then it proves beyond doubt they are just being very selfish and giving no thought as to their parents quality of life. Just because you brought your own children into the world and brought them up it does not mean you automatically qualify as baby-sitters for your grand children when they go to work. She even cut her own full time work down to 3 days just to accomodate them, so how on earth can you call her "Harsh". I looked after my three gandchildren from babies till they left school and started work them-selves while my daughter and son-in-law both worked because I worked evenings so I was able to do so.

sheian I'm totally in agreement with you on this one and find it impossible to understand those that disagree!

You're still working yet you've reorganised your life to spend a day a week looking after your GC. I think that's really lovely of you and I hope you enjoy it.

If my son was angry because I didn't want to commit to giving up another day so his partner could "do the housework, cook etc", he would be given a straightforward NO!
Has he even thought about when you get your own house sorted. I doubt it.

In fact your DIL fancied catching up on sleep and TV! Almost funny that she told you her plans when you turn up at 7am to collect GC. Yawn yawn I'm going back to bed.

My 4+ years childcare stint ends at the end of next week. I can't wait to get the carpets cleaned and the decorators in!!!

My DIL rang me yesterday to discuss my year old GDs tonsillitis blah blah! She then says why don't you come up at the weekend "for the day" to give my son a hand as she's having a spa day! I never go for the day, too much driving!
Bl**dy spa day ..... Yes I quite fancy one of those.

What's wrong with our incredibly selfish offspring!

You're right. Your son is wrong. Tell then to get a daily!

Your DS and DIL are very lucky to have 1 day free childcare. You work 3 days per week and have arranged your work hours or days to help out with their childcare. I would be angry if my son suggested I had the baby so his wife could do house work and have a rest. That was not the arrangement.

Yet again, a story that makes me feel better about not having kids.

I agree that your son and DIL are being unreasonable. I have looked after my 2 GSs for a number of years - like you, dropping my working week to 3 days willingly. My lovely D has always 'worked round' what I was able to offer and organises her working week so that we share school pick-ups etc. During school holidays she makes sure that she and hubby spread out their holiday entitlements and shares care with friends and family and thus giving us a break. She always asks and never assumes that I will be available or change any plans I might have. Stick to your guns. Looking after children whilst parents catch up on sleep is one thing ... catching up with Soaps is quite another. All the best.

Reading this post makes me so grateful for my DD, I lived too faraway when DGS1 was small so could offer little practical help apart from a week when he was born. Now I live closer when DGS2 was born I was around for initial transport needs (luckily no emergency c section this time) I have not been needed to help out but I am there if required.

DD has a good network of friends who love to help out with transport to/from school for DGS1 if necessary. DD is grateful for anything I do for them. DD has not worked since DGS1 was born as her OH is disabled & she is the registered carer however this means relying on benefits.

My DM had my DD when she was small occasionally otherwise it was a childminder. DM & Step-F had DD during school holidays when I returned to College (after her F walked out on us when she was 4 years old) & a neighbour took her to'from school with her own children.

When I met my late DH we moved 250 miles away, childminder during term time & some summer holiday & half term spent with my DM & Step-F. We always arranged to meet half way for exchange.

I'm sure a lot of DC don't see any further than their own needs & forget what other commitments you may have, you need to set firm boundaries on the level of childcare you can give, taking your DGC to allow your DiL a "duvet day" is not acceptable, she's obviously not ill if she's planning to watch tv all day

Don't be "blackmailed" just quietly point out to your S baby was their choice & you will do what you have said regarding childcare when DiL goes back to work

Sheian 57 Enough is enough.You have said you will look after GC one day when your DIL goes back to work.
I would want to say what my mother said to me when I had a grouse that I would dearly like to have a child free evening once in a while 'you made your bed'etc etc.
GC will not always be a baby and they are lucky to have you do what you are going to do. Stick to your guns you give an inch they will expect a mile. They'll get over it.

My daughter has three young children and I help her two days a week by taking the youngest to his nursery whilst she takes the two older ones to school in the opposite direction. During those two days I give her whatever help or assistance she needs. We also go for coffee or shopping during the hours the children are at school. Nice to have her to myself for a change. She goes to a yoga class one of the days and I pick up the children from school. If she needs me for doctors' or dentists' appointments or anything else on other days, then if I'm free I help out. It works very well for the both of us.

You're not unreasonable at all, when my son remarried and they had our DGD it was presumed that along with my DiLs mum I would have the little one for one day a week, I told them absolutely no !!! I'll happily help when I can but would not do permanent or set days, I love them all dearly but I'm retired and this is my time, when I was working I looked after his daughter from his first marriage so he thought that I would have our newest GD. I have her when it suits me.....I give my DiLs mum a break and I often keep my DGD for a couple of days, but I have her when it suits me not them

What is this 'culture' of DDs/DSs expecting GPs to share in the upbringing of their children. It's such an issue now. I lived South & mum lived North & wouldn't dream of presuming I had help from anyone other than OH. It's like this generation of parents expect it. Surely they plan to have children & work out if they can afford it without involving anyone else. We did.

This was never a problem when I had my babies. Before I became pregnant I planned for it. Could we afford it was the main one?I planned to look after my babies & that's what I did. I don't understand why young couples have babies & do so on the expectation of GPs taking over the responsibility of certain days childcare. After all we're entitled to our own duvet days... we've earned it.

Can't believe how selfish children can be. I have looked after my grandchildren one day a week since they were six months old. I also help out during school holidays BUT if I have somehing I want to do and I give my daughter sufficient notice she will always make other arrangements and expects to do so. I know she is grateful for my help and she often says that they are her children and if I have a commitment it is up to her to sort out childminding not mine to feel "guilty".

I think you should get this sorted out now. What would they expect of you if another baby came along? You're working 29 hours a week and rearranged your hours to be able to help them with childcare. Why do they have this expectation that your time is theirs to claim?

There's a degree of expectation here that I'm not comfortable with and I feel if you give in to this expectation you'll be creating a rod for your own back.

I think your sons attitude is outrageous,selfish and unkind! You sound as if you have a lot of equally important commitments, particularly you elderly mother, never mind having the odd bit of time for your self!! I would never ever have expected my fairly young parents to have HAD to look after my lively son when he was little so that I could go back to work, stay in bed (you're kidding!!) and enable us to have free days for no good reason! In an emergency of course they would, but not as a general rule! I worked three evenings a week, doing night shift,+ every other weekend, just to make ends meet, not my chosen career, while DH worked during the day. If I'd spoken to my parents in such a fashion, I would have found myself less than welcome in their home, as neither of my parents would have been bullied by me or anyone else, and trying to blackmail them by denying access to my son wouldn't have worked either, whatever the heartache. They simply wouldn't have put up with it and years later neither would I, not that it was an issue! As you say what hope for you in old age?!!

May I suggest that it is the implied criticism of your ddl that may be the problem. There may be stress there that he hasn't mentioned to you. Money? depression?

My suggestion is to decide quietly yourself (maybe after discussion with a trusted friend) what you can offer and stick to it. No personal remarks, no explanations, no excuses. As we used to say with toddlers, settle on boundaries. Do what you can cheerfully do and let them figure out the rest of it. Under no circumstances, be a martyr here. Doesn't ever work.

May I suggest that it is the implied criticism of your ddl that may be the problem. There may be stress there that he hasn't mentioned to you. Money? depression?

My suggestion is to decide quietly yourself (maybe after discussion with a trusted friend) what you can offer and stick to it. No personal remarks, no explanations, no excuses. As we used to say with toddlers, settle on boundaries. Do what you can cheerfully do and let them figure out the rest of it. Under no circumstances, be a martyr here. Doesn't ever work.

May I suggest that it is the implied criticism of your ddl that may be the problem. There may be stress there that he hasn't mentioned to you. Money? depression?

My suggestion is to decide quietly yourself (maybe after discussion with a trusted friend) what you can offer and stick to it. No personal remarks, no explanations, no excuses. As we used to say with toddlers, settle on boundaries. Do what you can cheerfully do and let them figure out the rest of it. Under no circumstances, be a martyr here. Doesn't ever work.

I agree with most of the above posters.

You're already working long hours, and have other commitments. Your son is being totally unreasonable expecting your help so that his wife can laze around all day!

You need to put your foot down now, otherwise they will demand your help all the time. And what about when other grandchildren come along ...

Good luck

I really feel for you. I remember when I had my first daughter my mum made it very clear that she would be happy to help out now and again, but she wouldn't commit to anything permanent - at the time I thought she was being a bit harsh, but now being 60 and not in the best of health I can fully appreciate now what she meant, she didn't love my daughter any less, in fact probably more as the time she had with her was quality time and not time she felt under pressures to do. You work 3 days a week, and time off is precious to you - as you say you are willing to have your GC but to have them whilst she goes back to bed or sits and watches TV is a bit selfish on her part. She choose to have a family, and therefore they are her responsibility.

I am always very surprised on how adult children seem to expect parents to do whatever they ask without consulting their parent. I am not sure why they expect their parents to do the child care for them. They chose to have a child, they should have thought of the consequences this involved.

I have two grand children with my first son. I have never been asked, or expected to look after these children on a regular basis [ DIL mother doesn't either]. Their parents looked into child care before they were born and had that sorted. I will baby sit or look after the grandchildren for a weekend if needed, as long as planned in advance.

My second son and DIL had their first child last week. They do live in Canada, so regular minding is out of the question, but again they did their homework and have everything in place for when DIL goes back to work. They would never expect me to drop everything for them to look after my grandchild.

This doesn't mean I don't love my children, and grandchildren, I do. It also doesn't make me selfish. They are THEIR children, not mine, so it is for them to sort out childcare.

I look after my DGD once a week after school, so DDiL can work and then in the summer hols I sleepover so she can do her 2 days a week.. feel very appreciated by DS and DDil. I drive over 50 miles to do it, but wanted to have a good relationship with DGD, who is 7 now, mind you playing for 5hrs+ with My little pony/Barbies can be a tad boring/trying but I love it and we have great fun being silly and cooking together... My OH gets a day to himself and I get to walk their dog- so win win! They are always happy to sort other people if I have to let them down i.e Late Fathers illness/death.. Sorry this is not working out for you, Sheian57 but I think you may need to set some boundaries... maybe they are just being a bit thoughtless? Good Luck sorting it out x

paddyann I think any Mother would help where there are real health ( or other) problems , as you have described in your post.One day a week is a big committment though, where all the DC/partners want is time to stay in bed watching tv or going shopping.We are older now and it's not so easy looking after an energetic toddler.

I seem to be alone on this ,I dont think ONE day a week is a lot of help .I too didn't have help with mine,infact I took my daughter to work with me when she was 8 DAYS old and there she stayed until she had aplaygroup and then nursery .It was my choice to have a child and my choice to be self employed and she loved being with other people every day,BUT when my daughter had post natal depression and her doctor advised going back to work I didn't hesitate to change my hours and care for my grandson for 5 hours 6 days a week.When GD1 was born I had her from three weeks old for the same arrangement and again with the other two GD's .One who is almost 8 has been with me since her parent split up for half of every week day AND night and only now spends more time in her other homes,she's still here at least 2 days and nights a week .I dont have a problem helping ,and I dont understand why any mother wouldn't help her children ....even for a day in bed .Mind you my husbands BF 's daughter has MY husband helping her build a new kitchen ,her father said he would help and then decided to go off on holiday instead....not MY idea of how a family should operate .

Your son's partner needs to learn the mantra "get off your arse and do what you HAVE to do, WHEN you have to do it whether you feel like it or not!"

You haven't got the words 'MUG 1st Class' stamped on your forehead, have you? Because that's the way they're treating you - and it's simply not acceptable, by anyone's standards!

I agree margrete ( although I wouldn't actually tell him to take a running jump...although I would think it!)

help where you can, but not to the detriment of your life.
Spending the day in bed....and not ill?!

my mother used to put conditions on looking after my little niece, if my sister was working she was happy to do it for her but if she was just going out for an evening or having a shopping day,then she wouldn't do it.(it really wasn't very often or regular just now and again) I think what she's going to be doing with the time shouldn't be a condition,just ask how long for & then say yes I will/can or no I won't/can't manage it.

You've got a right to your own life and free time too, do they ever help you out when you them ?