Ungrateful Son

I completely agree with the succinct comment of frue (previous page) - tell them what you are willing to do and let them sort the rest out themselves, what a selfish attitude from them.

I look after 2 grandchildren each week and can totally understand your feelings. As a grandparent I love all my grandchildren and really want to help out especially in this day and age where it seems almost impossible to manage without both parents working. But I occasionally find out that I've been childminding while one or other parent has been at home on leave. I realise some might think I'm mean but as the parents chose to have children then they should be their priority. I too had no help when my children were small and really want a close relationship with my grandchildren but at times I feel I am being taken advantage of. A day off work should be an opportunity to spend time with your children that you wouldn't have had otherwise. Having committed to helping out on a regular basis you should not be browbeaten into doing more. I suspect your son is really frustrated by his partner and taking it out on you. If they stop you seeing your grandchild then who will fulfill your future childminding commitment? When will parents realise how lucky they are to have willing help and stop taking advantage?

margrete Wed 12-Jul-17 10:12:21 Well said!

I showed this thread to the mum of my DGD. She was gob-smacked and I did have to reassure her that we did not feel that we were treated this way by them, but she was out-raged on behalf of Sheian57. Sadly she does know other parents who are like this.

It's not always a case of a grandparent raising a selfish child, some adult children pick up these attitudes from others as well.

Enough is enough... Access? What is this GC... a gym membership, a wardrobe item? It's a human being FFS, a member of the family. Access is too often used in custody fights. So now he seems to have relegated your role as a grandparent to a visitation privilege. NOT! You are being asked to help with caring for your GC.

Tell your not so darling son that you have a life and your health and your own parent who needs care. And that obviously you won't be able to rely on him for any of your care in later years because of his current attitude.

I am totally PO'd on your behalf.

I haven't read everyone else's comments, so forgive me if this has been said, but your indignation shows in your post and you have every right to feel indignant! If you are able to make the points you make above, in a calm and rational way to your DS & DiL, then I would do so. If they can't accept the facts and retaliate by denying you access, they will be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. I don't imagine they'll maintain that position for long, although you know them better than me. I say: stick to your guns!

To put it simply: No, YOU are not being unreasonable. THEY are.

I disagree with paddyann and agree with many others.

From what I read on this forum, many of the child-bearing generation think they are doing their parents a great favour by conferring grandchildren on them. It is then down to the older generation to - as someone else brilliantly expressed it - run around like blue-arsed flies and do the hard work while the parents 'catch up with TV and have some time to self'. I would never have expected any such thing when children were small. I was grateful for any help, but would not have assumed such help, nor would I have thrown my toys out of the pram as your son appears to be doing. And as for hanging around in PJs - no chance. The day started early and ended late.

Tell him to take a running jump.

When people decide to have children, they need to consider longer term arrangements for their care. In many ways, it was simpler when ours were young. Childcare was pretty much non existent and so we stayed at home, perhaps worked when husbands/partners were home and tightened our belts.

Childcare is much more prevalent now, but many find it difficult to afford. But this is one of the considerations couples should think about beforehand. Yes, it's hard looking after babies, so why would it be less tiring and hard for a grandparent, who, with the best will in the world, is getting older, particularly if still working outside the home.

I live too far away to have my grandchildren regularly, but when I do, although they are older now, the responsibility is tiring, as well as the fact that I'm thirteen years older. I think your son and DiL are unreasonable OP. They have the children, they look after them. No one I'm sure, minds helping out, but a regular commitment is a different thing altogether and, in my experience, can get to the point very quickly where it's another day and another day and an expectation that you will always be available. And it is blackmail, of a sort.

Perhaps you can sit down with them and explain your feelings. It's a huge commitment to regularly look after your GC. Fortunately my DD and I have a week by week arrangement. If I'm free I'll look after GS if not she's happy with that. When I say I feel I should be doing more she points out it was her and her DH decision to have a child, not mine. She's grateful for any time I can offer.

Our parents were lousy grandparents to our children.

...thankfully we have the time and money to help out as and when asked.

Even so we make sure the need is genuine and not a permanent arrangement; but we did do a week of Thursdays for about 18 months.

Why do people expect so much helpnow with child care? I just had to get on with it, even when I lived fairly close to my parents.

I can't see the point in having a family if you are not going to raise them yourself and prioritise work and frieds over your children. As for all this emotional blackmail and bullying that seems to be something new too. I would not have dreamt of treating my parents like that. They did what they chose to do to help me out and they loved taking my children out and about, when it suited them and when it didn't that was just the way it was.

Parents seem to want to continue life as carefree singletons and palm the kids off onto other people far too often, not to mention dog care duties..........does no one consider doing anything for themselves anymore, just managing their own lives?

My sons' families live too far for me to be helpful except for the odd occasion. DiLs both sacrificed career progress by working part-time and sending the children to nursery on the other days, until they started school. Both have now made up time on their careers and are in very senior positions. DSs have played a major part in the children's upbringing. They all managed well despite living a considerable distance from all in-laws. When it has to be done, it can be done. You can't have children and expect to have it all.

I really empathise with your situation. Stay strong you have to live your life and have time for you! My eldest daughter is a nightmare and forever emotionally controlling my husband and I. There's one answer to it all and for me I'm going to have to let go until she can understand her own actions. Hope you manage to stay strong.

It's not so much what they are asking you to help with, and what they are doing with the ensuing free time, as to how it's being asked that I would find irritating. We often babysit or have the children over the weekend so that DS and Ddil can have a late evening out and then a lie in - as we all know, tiny children are absolutely exhausting. We love the children, they appreciate a break, but my response would be very different if my DS and Ddil were behaving as if I should do this, and reacting badly if I couldn't help out. This is a minefield as the last thing any Grandparent wants is to lose contact with the grandchildren, but might it be useful to say that you are happy to help if you can but also point out your hours of work, your elderly mother, your wish to see your other children too, and the fact that you also need some 'down'time like shopping and seeing friends? They might be so wrapped up in themselves that they really don't see how much you have to do. Very hard for you Sheian so good luck with the negotiations and try to keep smiling through this.

For ds1Dh and I look after 2dgc for one day each week 7am - 7pm. They also have an occasional overnight. Easy to care for at ages 6 and 9. We've been doing this since they were born. Arrangements are sometimes switched as needed.

Ds2 - A new dgs is 3 months old and he will also get one day each week when mum goes back to work. This couple would be more 'expecting' and we have been careful to set boundaries from the start. Pick up time is agreed in advance. Short notice 'can you have baby' has not always been a yes if we have something planned even if our plan is something simple..eg...when it is just mum wanting to get nails done etc. and making her appointment before checking with us that it's ok.

Also, for ds1 dgc are dropped off to us at 7am, we don't go pick up.

Of course, if there is an emergency then we are always available for any of them without question regardless of any plans we may have.

How childcare arrangements are handled depends a lot on the attitude of those requiring the childcare.

Suggest you tell them what you can do and leave them to sort out the rest of their lives

Just say no, they are adults and need to understand that they aren't the only people in this.

They are behaving outrageously (& I don't have grandchildren yet, just older children and feel more in common with gransnet than mumsnet at times). What is it with these millennials that they think everything revolves around them?

I think you should just calmly restate that you have altered your work and given a commitment to them and you are utterly committed to that. But you will not run around like a blue arsed fly so your DIL can watch box sets and if that's important to her then they need to either pay for childcare or sort it out between themselves. And just say you have plans every week between now and when you start the arrangement because there is a lot you need to do/organise before them.

I think you're totally justified in feeling used. They had the baby. My DDs work and do their own housework whilst caring for their children at the same time. I did the same although I have to admit that, with my aunt's agreement, I visited her on a Friday and went to bed for a couple of hours but DD1 was a total none sleeper for the first 2+ years of her life. She didn't sleep through the day and catnapped for never more than half an hour at a time during the night. It obviously worked for her because she was a fit and healthy baby. I damn near killed me . I totally understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. My aunt and uncle were very home orientated so I wasn't stopping them from going out and if they did need to cancel then that was OK because they were doing me a huge favour. I never dreamed of making a fuss about it. Also I went to them even though it was a half hour walk to the bus stop, an hour on the bus and a quarter hour from the nearest bus stop to their house in the days when you had to get the baby out of the buggy and fold it up whilst juggling baby and bags.

If they want childcare they need to fit around you as you're already fitting your work life around them.

Some children seem to assume that grandparents will be on tap for childcare whenever they decide they want/need time away from their children.

I'm not very good at being 'made' to do things, so I would stick to my guns, and I'm afraid they would have to do their worst.

I think you should only take on the amount of child care you can comfortably manage given your other commitments.
When that is agreed between you it should not then make any difference what your family do with the child free time.

I do sometimes look after GC while my DD gets a sleep and a lazy day as I am acutely aware that she needs this; but if I was unable to do this I would not expect anyone to be annoyed or unpleasant about it.

I'm sorry, but he's angry because you won't drop all your current commitments with no notice whatsoever and, having already worked three 10 hour days to accommodate them from next month, pop round for 7am the following day each week so that your DIL can have a day off? Angry? He needs to have a word with himself.

I think you are being totally reasonable.

Quite frankly they sound spoilt ! Its fine to have their child as part of a day-care package to allow them to wok but to have the child so they can pamper themselves? Totally ridiculous.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be blackmailed so if they don't like it them let them make alternative arrangements and you'll just be a grandparent not a carer. I'm betting when the costs hit them they'll soon change their minds - and after all August is only 3 weeks away .

I (sort of) agree with Paddyann and can see your point too Sheian57 .

I have looked after my three DGC since they were just weeks old and DDiL went back to work . I do 2 days and an ON ( sometimes 2 ON's depending on shifts etc) and a lot more during school holidays when I take my holidays from work to accommodate them and often have them for the entire week . DDiL and I sit down with a calendar and mark our holidays off so we are sure they will be taken care of . Personally I find it easier just to have them all on the same days regardless as to whether DS or DDiL are at work or not . It saves all the messing around . The children know that on Mondays I pick them up from school and they sleep at mine and on Tuesdays I take them school and pick them up then they go home at around 6pm . ( I work when they are at school ).

It doesn't make any difference to me whether my DIL is off work or not . This is our routine .

I think problems like this go way back. Adult children with families do not make demands and threats like this unless they are accustomed to their parents giving into their every demand.

It is very difficult when children are used to having their parents at their beck and call to make them understand that there are limits to what they can expect and their parents can give.

When parents do say 'no' to these cuckoos in the nest, their first recourse is to see if they can emotionally blackmail them into submission by threatening to refuse access to the grandchildren who are loved so much.

I think children like this should be face down and told how much help is on offer, which should be limited and based on the parents being in command of their own lives. Why should children's lives be made easy and pleasant with duvet days and shopping days at the expense of their parents running themselves ragged. They have a right to duvet days and shopping days as well.

This is hard to do when adult children are used to always getting what they want from their parents, but I see no alternative.