You are all so tolerant

Imperfect27 I couldn't agree more with your post of 08.07. You put is so much better than I ever could.

My grandparents always said how much joy they got from us (my sister, cousins and I) when we were children. Sadly something my parents missed out on with my own children (by choice).

Exactly what Flossie says.Does the OP really admire us ?
That's not the feeling that comes through.

Just doing our bit again today! - little one is unwell, so we have her here while parents work. She is snuggled up on a sunlounger on the decking with a fluffy dog and the birds and the sunshine to make her better. She normally goes to nursery today, but the loving touch of family is what is needed.

I dont know anyone who thinks that its all done and dusted when the children move out. That's when things are just getting started, in my opinion. Its all so much more complicated.

They are our flesh and blood so its only naturel that we want to help and I would feel isolated to the point of superfluous if my kids could not or did not want to come to me for help. Tolerant is not a word I would use as how many of us would not bend over backwards to help our 'flesh and blood' as shown many times on gransnet.
There must be those who feel the job is done when their fledglings fly the nest. I am so glad not to be one of them.

Not all.
I'm less tolerant, probably.

I absolutely loved being with my own children and my grandchildren and always helped out when I could. They still at times confide in me ( in their 20s) and I meet up with them for outings or meals etc. I can now stay with DGD but as yet DGS does not have space! So lovely to hear what they are doing but also their views of the world etc.
Much more difficult with the two boys living abroad but we do chat etc and get on well when we are together.

When my own children were small they saw their grandparents so seldom as we were rarely in the country, and by the time we finally came home, we had lost both sets of parents, so they never got to know them - in fact, don't really remember them. We wanted to be a constant in our only grandchild's life and to do what we could, but my daughter has never taken advantage of the relationship - has always been careful not to. We are galloping towards a time when there will be less and less need for us to be 'hands on' anyway. I have no problem with grandparents who do not want that sort of input in their grandchildrens' lives - GS's other grandmother seldom sees him and that is her choice.

Yes Flossie, totally agree.

Flossie that's an excellent post - your last paragraph sums it up perfectly.

Yes I think rigby is right. I suspect the vast majority of us on GN have no more problems than your average family.

My grandchildren are too old now to babysit, but we had a very workable relationship with our daughter that suited us all very well, day to day. But at the same time in emergencies like illness etc, we would never let her down if it meant extra duties on our part.

Give and take and lots of love??

My take on this is that, I like to be wanted and I like to feel useful.

I loved being a mum and running a home. I also enjoyed the time after they left,
when I was able to have a career of my own. Now in retirement, being a part of my children's' life is great. We have a very good balance. We all like and respect each other. We meet socially, we occassionally holiday together and we also meet when I am doing childcare,

Interestingly, now I find the tables turning and they and the grandchildren are doing things for me rather than the other way around.

Problems arise in families when one side feels entitled to receive help, or one side resents helping. Some families cannot discuss openly how they feel and this will always cause problems, I think.

Quite glamma - we do what we can becauze they are our family. They would for us too.

RosieLeah Tolerance does not even come into it I have such a good relationship with DCs that I know when I am needed to care for my DGCs and always have done,they are grown up now but I still have two younger ones who I pick up from school and make sure they get to their after school activities safely when their mum is working,my parents never had this involvement and missed out greaatly on my DCs growing up they where rather the type where they offered in emergency only they missed out on such a lot I think.

Oh I should add..... If only there was an edit button (sigh) As s single mum myself with three kids I moved to be nearer my mum and dad after my divorce and they were wonderful at helping me both financially but more importantly (although they worked) with their time and my Dad was the main role model for my son and what a good one he was

I don't feel I m a martyr I have found it a complete privilege to help with my grandkids and my kids when they need me Now the youngest one is moving into a teen I feel a bit redundant to be honest please don't read anything into that statement as I have an interesting life outside grandkids with hobbies, voluntary work, running a couple of Internet groups and friends, but my time of nurturing is decreasing I don't see any great grand kids on the horizon so think there will be a few years where I m a bit childless or maybe this is the end of my Nanna days Of course I m still their Nanna but you know teens, Hi/bye and that's on a good day and as it should be
Now I m no saint and there's been lots of times where I ve thought 'oh no not again' or ' let me get home' but I still have found it to be fulfilling and a period I would have hated to miss

You get a skewed view on here because those of us with non problematic relationships with our dc don't usually post about that. My dd always knew that we would never offer regular child care ( we both still work part time and have lots s of other commitments). She knows we are there for emergencies and do sleepovers if they want a night out or just because we want to. Child care has been expensive for them but she knew that they would have to cut their cloth in the early years although it was worth it to keep her career going which is now paying off. They never take us for granted and wouldn't be so daft as to get a dog

Rosie I have been reflecting on the deep division of attitudes towards grown up children and their expectations of us that were highlighted in the 'Ungrateful Son' post yesterday.

I belong to the 'Would do anything I reasonably could to help my children,' brigade where 'reasonable' has included changing my working hours to make myself available in support of GC. I thoroughly enjoy him - 'tolerance' doesn't come into it - and quality contact with him and knowing I can be of some help to my DD and SIL makes me happy. But that is my choice, freely made.

When my own children were little, my MIL evidently did not enjoy her grandchildren and did not want to be involved in their care beyond a weekly visit. I respected that as her choice, but I feel she missed out on what could have been a close and loving set of relationships.

Where our grandchildren are concerned, I think we get what we give - we can still form close bonds at some distance and children quickly work out who loves them and give so much back.

I think it must be really difficult when parents feel expected to do an unreasonable amount / don't want to be involved as much as their children had hoped they would be, but these thorny issues have never arisen for me. My mother was generous in spirit and deeply kind in her actions and I hope I can pass a little of that on to the next generation. To me that is not over-indulging, or allowing myself to be taken for granted - it is simply being supportive where there is need.

No such problems here Rosie - child care is arranged at a level we can cope with and that fits round our lives. It is always appreciated and in return gutters get cleared, curtain poles and mirrors put up etc. And it is a joy!