DD all grown up and still jealous / insecure

How wonderful of you, Loujoank, to take in those 2 girls! We need more people like you in this world!

I'm sorry that dd is jealous and insecure. I think you're doing your best by her - love that you share a hobby!

I agree that finding ways for her to bond with the girls might help. Also, I think she needs to feel she's being heard. For example, when she mentions not having a room at your house, anymore, say something like, "I see that bothers you." If she says "Yes," tell her you understand, etc. At some point, of course, reassure her, as others have said, that you still love her, she's always welcome, etc. It may not wipe away her insecurities entirely - probably won't - but, at least she'll feel you care about her feelings.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time explaining though because she's likely to just keep arguing. I like that you changed the subject at dinner. Sometimes, that's the best way to go.

Maybe what hurt her wasn't so much that you got concert tickets for the girls but that you got one for your sister, too. Obviously, your sister, also is "an adult who can buy tickets for herself." As a pp said, she may have seen this as a "girls' outing" that she was excluded from.

If it weren't an impulse buy, I imagine you would have included her, as you did on the trip. I suspect you only "left her out" because you weren't thinking. But if you need time to think before you include her, that says something to me - that you don't really enjoy having her around when there is other family there, etc. And I don't blame you, as I see she can be rather unpleasant, at times. Perhaps especially when your attention is divided? Is she easier to deal with when you have one-on-one contact?

Anyhow, the expression "depressive drama" caught my attention. Does dd suffer from depression? Is she under treatment for it? I hope that doesn't seem like an intrusive question, I just want to get a fuller picture.

Have fun on your trip! Expect a few "bumps" due to dd's attitude, but don't dwell on them (you seem wise enough not to) and have a great time!

You are doing a very good thing with these girls Loujoamk but your daughter is behaving as if she has had a nose pushed out of joint - which is how a young child may behave when a new baby arrives in the family.

Perhaps you could try to include her in the next outing with the girls and they could get to know each other. She does sound as if she is being rather possessive of you and I wonder if she has always had some sibling rivalry with her brother and this has transferred to the girls?

Oh dear, Loujoamk, I am sorry your daughter feels like this, but she is in the wrong, You would think, that having such a loving mum, who gave her unconditional love, would be happy to see that same mum, giving some poor child/ children the same kind of love, hope, security, You do not have to tiptoe round her, Maybe she feels as if, that once you start to foster, she will be pushed aside, Sit her down, and tell her, that this will not be the case, let her know, that she will always be your first priority, I am sure when she realises, she has nothing to worry about, she will come round, Good luck x

Oh goodness Susan! We desperately need foster parents. Having a placement with a good reliable foster home can make all the difference between a productive member of society in the future, or someone taking up space in a prison cell.

Oh I think it's normal behaviour as we never really grow up do we, she's jealous of course, part of us never really leaves home, I'm 58 now and got upset when my brother and his partner moved into my old family home, she ripped the kitchen out, I was inconsolable until I checked my own behaviour when mum said to me, it's not your home any more, it hasn't been since 1978. It maybe needs a short sharp reality shock that makes your daughter go away and think about her behaviour, and she needs to grow up not away.

I don't agree that fostering children is 'employment' and that Lojoamk should tell her daughter she is just fulfilling work commitments when she takes the foster girls out, Radicalnan I also fail to agree that being insecure is the daughters own choosing that's the equivalent of telling someone with depression to man up and get on with it Life is a bit more complex than that, no one chooses to have negative emotions,

As for Susantrueby where on earth did that come from that was a nasty post

Loujobamk you sound as if you are trying all the right things and I m sure you ll have a good weekend and things will settle down it's obviously all new and everyone needs to adjust and your daughter may take longer than some Your son sounds as if he knows how to wind your daughter up I m presuming the two girls are teenagers of 16 if they are leaving care it would probably have been easier for your daughter if they were little they wouldn't have seemed to be 'in competition' she's just needing longer to adjust keep including her, ask her advice (even if you don't need it)
Good luck

Thank you for those encouraging words! To the more negative susantrueby - my initial instinct was to dive in and defend myself against your nastiness . However, I talk to young people in school every day about not responding to negativity and bullying behaviour - and decided to take my own advice. Thankfully, my own self esteem is secure enough to survive nasty and judgemental comments ??

I will continue to support my daughter and, as a parent, challenge her if required. We have a shared hobby which involves 1:1 contact every week. Incidentally, the reason that I have paid for her to join us on holiday for a weekend is that she is going on a dream holiday with her partner a few weeks later and needs to save her money! I wanted to take the opportunity for all of us to have some time together. I am confident that it will all work out fine!

If people generally adopted your attitude Susantrueby a lot of children would stay in children's homes! You are doing a lovely thing fostering Loujoamk. Life is often a compromise. I agree with the idea of having some 1 to 1 time with your DD when you can.

Someone of 30 has had as much time to resolve her own life issues as she had as a child gathering them up. She is 30 and is being daft.

Caring for kids on a commercial basis is not the same as having your own , especially if life back then was a struggle for you.

It is your employment now, your daughter doesn't lose anything by your doing that work.

She may be insecure but that is rather of her own choosing, you are there in her life, a constant mother who does a lot for her, what does she have to be insecure about? Jealous more like and immature, which is sad for her but only she can get over it.

If she says anything about your care role, I would remind her that it is work for you and you are fulfilling the expectations of your work contract when you take the young people out etc.

Time she grew up.

susantrubey Dear me!!!

Could you find some special 1-1 time for your DD. Make her feel special and loved. She is jealous when she sees you show love to your new foster children. She needs to know you will always love her unconditionally. I foster too and one of my adult sons is a bit jealous but the older one is fine. I think it is because the younger one was still a teen when foster son came to live with us whereas older son was adult by then.

...I no longer have a bedroom in my mum's house.

I paid for DD and her partner to fly to Spain and join us for he weekend as DS and granddaughter are coming for he first week and I didn't want her to feel excluded!

"...DS told her that she was being ridiculous..."

From your initial remarks it sounds like you and your daughter don't have a good relationship. It's not uncommon when mothers and daughters have similar temperament and inevitably clash. We want our children to be perfect and alas, they seem to test us at every turn. It's important to understand that the child of whom we expect the least is the one who needs our love the most.

Your daughter is upset and insecure. She fears that on some level she's being 'replaced' because she somehow let you down. Another girl (a more deserving stranger) has been given her room, hence her initial remark. Would she have the same reaction if your fosters were male? The remark about flying her to Spain (so she won't feel excluded) sounds more like an obligation on your part than a welcoming invitation. Buying concert tickets for the other two girls and including your sister makes it a family 'girls night out' which is also an opportunity for bonding. Can you see how DD could feel especially excluded? When she said something about it, her brother was allowed to disrespect her by calling her 'ridiculous'.

I'm trying to frame things from a different perspective in order to provide some insight. This is about mutual interactions because as they say, it takes two to tango. Our children crave parental approval and the reassurance (when they do good deeds) that they are a source of pride.

Children also have a very keen sense of fairness. Sibling rivalry can grow to be serious when parents arbitrate unsuccessfully. Body language, words and actions also have consequences. Praise can be a very powerful motivator just as criticism can be destructive. You mentioned that your fosters are 'lovely girls etc.' (No doubt they are), but I am curious to understand if you feel the same way about your own daughter?

Yes are you for real susantrubey? I really can't believe what I have just read. I brought up 4 children (including an adopted one in the middle) and then when they had grown up and left home adopted another 4. Not because I felt I had failed with the first 4 but because I knew I had been a good mother and could do it again. What a strange attitude you have. Having also fostered teenage girls I have great admiration for the OP because it is not easy.

I agree Bellanonna - are you real, susantrubey?
The OP asked "how on earth do I handle this?" - not "can you please beat me up and show me where I went wrong".
Some empathy for a tricky situation would be nice.

That seems a harsh view Susantrueby, a 30 year old woman is an adult daughter with her own life, it is great that OP feels able to support care leavers at a time when society often overlooks them.

I have a relative OP who always uses social occassions when friends are present to make hurtful comments about either myself or my immediate family, I decided to just ignore and not let it change my way of doing things, and recently it has been better.

Are you real, susantrubey?

I gave up my bedroom in my parents house the day I married and left home. 35 plus years later, although my dad says its still my home I don't expect a bedroom to be kept for me. My brother lives with my dad too but I don't feel aggrieved at that. Your daughter should be proud of what you are doing, and support you, and accept that she has a life now. Do you have a bedroom at her house? If she expects one at your house then you should expect one at hers (Lol).

My children are and always will be my first priority. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you feel such a strong desire to be needed by young children. Maybe you feel that you failed the first time round. Why do you enjoy going to a concert with somebody else's children and not your own? Why are you lavishing love on other people's children and not your own? Your daughter could probably accept you being in adult company, but not children's. Are you sure you were a good parent? Did you give your daughter what she needed? It seems that you have looked at her misgivings, but not at your own. Give these children up until you repair your relationship with your daughter.

From what you say, it seems to me that she is and has probably always felt insecure...she needs your full attention and doesn't want to share you with anyone...the both of you need to talk this through....there is definitely something underlying.

One other thing I thought of can you include her in the girls lives more could she take them to the park or the shops for a couple of hours it might really help if she can bond with them Can you ask her opinion about something they re doing or wearing make her feel 'grown up' and important like you need her advice

Loujoamk....a tricky one, good luck. Very wise comments from rizlett and BlueBelle.

Ask her how she would have felt if she hadn't a Mum to support her through her young life. This sounds a little like childish jealousy, but none of us can help the way we feel about situations, even if our head tells us one thing our hearts may feel another. Maybe you have assumed that your daughter knows your love for her is just the same as it always was and her actions, unreasonable as they may be, suggest she needs it to be said out loud. That said, she really shouldn't expect you to arrange your life to suit her, especially as you have put your ambitions 'on hold' for so many years. I hope you find a solution

Dear Loujomak. After reading your post and the replies I recognised so many of them apply to my own DC, who are both in their 30s!!! The both raid the fridge of mum and treat the house as their own (which it was until they left). They both have left clothes and items in their old rooms - both rooms have been redecorated, etc. I know its up to me to put everything into bags and hand them back but we have the room.

Your daughter is trying hard to be the grown up she is, but is feeling usurped - you are her mum. I admire you for fostering young people and giving them a good start. You are dealing well with the situation and your son recognises this. Give your daughter a bit more time - she will come round. A confrontation at this point will cause grief to you and your daughter and could upset your foster children. Good luck

As someone who has spent most of her life with a mother who preferred my brother to me I wonder if your DD is just feeling she has been demoted even further down your caring chain and the 2 girls have taken her place. It may not be so, it may even be tiny things she sees as meaning it, but if that is how she feels you need to address it. I wish my mum had asked me how I felt when she was younger (but her generation didn't do that). Now she is in her 90s and I am her main carer she has come to realise my DB isn't the angel she once thought him and we have a different relationship, but things might have been better earlier if we had been able to talk about it. If I could have told her that the continual praise she heaped upon my DB made me feel less valued. I'm sure she didn't intend it to, but the way others hear things isn't always exactly as we mean them. Talk to your daughter, ask her about her feelings and recognise them. Then work on it. You don't have to stop caring for the girls (well done for taking them on by the way) just accept your DD is upset and try to help her.

Your daughter sounds like me! I have always been desperately insecure. I was jealous of everyone and everything which took my Mum's attention from me: my sister, my stepdad, her return to education after retirement, her friends, even the cat.

I never found a solution. I always felt jealous. I fought with my stepdad constantly. After my mother died we got on much better.

I really hope you can find an answer!